Hey...didnt really know where to post this.

[the dude]

So anyway, hey!

I know how awful it is to come on a forum and see more negativity (even though we feel like we cant control it a lot of the time), but i just feel the need to vent.

Let me start off by saying I've had panic attacks before (a few when i used to smoke some...*ahem* stuff back in early highschool). Well anyway, i was constantly a negative thinker, worst case scenario, sarcastic(and i used to see this as a good quality? hah!) but it never seemed to make me act or feel different. then i started to have symptoms come on gradually (odd feeling in the chest, discomfort in stomach...and some smore) but i never connected it with anything that might manifest itself into a panic attack.
I wasnt exercising at all, eating terribly...and then in January eveything seemed to change.

Earlier on, I had one or two minor panic attacks at a friends house while playing a video game. I figured since i was around people who were smoking pot it was probabaly the reason that i felt strange.
Then one day at another friends house while finishing up my second beer watching AIRPLANE! and enjoying the middle of my winter break a panic attack hit me like a ton of bricks. wow. I knew what it was, but i wasnt on anything, so what was going on?

OK, fast forward!
i read up about it, saw a doctor, but didnt take meds(why would i want to just mask the symptoms? i want to actually GET better!), and tried some self help strategies (breathing techniques, etc.)...

This seemed to help for a while. After the big panic attack i was a mess for about a week and a half - it seemed like an on-going attack. Then it just...dissapeared, and i felt back to normal (well, not quite...anxiety was still there).

I'll spare most of the in between stuff, cause this post post itself would probabaly go on for pages....But I relaised some things...

the good:
the high anxiety actually made me a bit more sympathetic to others and in general.
It also helped me notice when i get angry/stressed a bit more to laugh it off, or control it.

the neutral:
well, this isnt really good, but kinda funny...I was complaining about how i dont do much and didnt have a "catalyst" to get mya ss in gear and moving to improvements in my life. Well..i got one! haha

The bad: (oh boy)
i was eating well, taking care of myself, exercising...then i started to get backed up with school work. I noticed that my PROCRASTINATION is probabaly a main element in my anxiety. It leads to me being in troule with schoolwork/responsibilities and then I'm so swamped i feel helpless. Then i start to build more stress and it goes on and ths cycle seems to continue. I havent been going on my walks regularly, I havent been making myself better meals (also because i owe about 800 on my credit card and only have about 100 in the bank, so grocery shopping is done when there are sales, or i dont have anything worthy of making a meal of really).

So i start worrrying about money on top of all that stuff. (probabaly shouldnt spend it then, but...hey, sometimes you just need to get yourself a comedy, a cd, or an occasion snare drum), but anyway...On top of that i developed that fear of going mad. Of just snapping and hearing voices or something. That was the worst by far. Sortof questioning reality makes you feel like youre gonna make yourself flip out... like "where did that noise come from" "what if that wasnt real?" I was afriad of negative thoughts, i didnt feel like doing my art (i draw odd looking cartoon characters haha)
Jeez, i feel terrible even writing that.

But it seems that once i stop worrying about having a panic attack, that phobia comes up, then that might go away and i get anxious about school or finding a new job (obviously not something people dont worry about) and it cycles. I try to find help (and have found a councelor at school who is a therapist and has gone through anxiety/panic attacks as well), but i cant afford to go to another therapist (he said he usually recommends the stuudents to go to this therapist he saw to help overc

[the dude]

and oh yeah...anyone get the movie reference (my login name)?
heh

[tnt808]

Hi,

Welcome to the site!

As you probably already found out, you are not alone in this. We all have our "issues". I swear that i'm the only freak that has this stuff, but in reality I know there are others just like me out there.

Panic attacks are terrible...and the anxiety which lingers can sometimes be worse. People like us (I hate even saying that) are so hard on ourselves..and I can see how hard you are on yourself. We look at every obstacle as a potential to fail. Whereras, someone else might look at is as a chance to shine, a great challenge.

Once this ugly thing rears it's head all confidence is lost. It sucks!! I feel forever changed by this, whether I am eventually "cured" or not..it has definitely been life changing.

Try not to beat yourself up too badly about you putting things off. Try to tackle the most important things first. You are overwhelmed right now so, get the job done, but be kind to yourself in the process.

I like that you use your humor as a mechanism to get through this. Hey even if it doesn't work it's entertaining, right?!?

Just hang in there...get your school work done!! (I am such a mother) and be kind to you. If you need anything let me know.

The Big Lebowski is it?

Take Care of You,

Tina

[the dude]

haha yes the big lebowski!

thanks for the reply
As you could see, my thought were pretty disorganized in that first post. heh

And yeah, i try to use humor when i can.
when i saw my counselor at school last friday i felt like i was slowly getting back in control, even joking around. He even said he was surprised that i knew so much and had a pretty logical approach to the matter. Then monday came and it seemed to all fall apart. I felt like such a phony...i mean here i was quoting all these facts and approaches to this therapist and then i go back to being miserable, actually coming "" this close to breaking down, crying again... so was i just masking my true feelings with humor?
It seems to simple to just say "i'm gonna turn it all around today, no more lazyness, no more blah blah blah" but then you say "ill work on it later, right now i want to watch futurama (or whatever show/movie there happens to be lying around - except for big dramas or horror flicks, and i used to like this stuff.) And boy, you shouldve seen me change the channel when "a beautiful mind" came on tv two weeks ago. I flipped to another channel and ended up watching some childrens movie.

but i digress... Its just hard to know where to start sometimes.

I also hate saying "like us" or "disorder". Labels like these seem to empower something that we should be trying to minimalize, even though it can be quite a life changing force. I dont want to feel like a "disorder" or "condition", i want to approach it as something i need to work on to improve and something thatll keep me in check so i control my temper (it seems that my temper is the only thing its helped me to control - not so much the anxiety, obviously).

i also do this thing where instead of going to school where i could actuall work on a project distraction-free i'll stay home because its more "convenient".
Then tomake up work from one class, i'll skip another (today), but i realized finishing this project the way the teacher wanted it (100% mistake free or an automatic FAIL) is impossible. so i gave up. kinda. i mean i pretty much finished it, but theres a slim chance any labs will be open before 9 to print.

I just hate repeating the same mistakes over and over and over and over again.

Its like...why dont i learn?
how could i have come this far in life if i cant even learn (after years of learning the hard way) that pulling through and getting serious about this stuff is whatll empower me when i want to get a JOB in this field. And its not like i can email my professor saying, "hey i was feeling really anxious lately...so i put off schoolwork, can i have an extension", the smesters almost over...so its a bit late for excuses. oiii, what a fool.
bleh, sorry for the negativity.

wow, i just realized i'm feeling so "desensitized"/"depersonalized"/whatever right now.
i guess i should get to sleep, kittens woke me up really early this morning (so im going on about 4 hours sleep) heh.

[Meg]

Posting here is just fine

Having up and down days is totally fine

You will learn when the outcomes bother you enough . Seems that you manage to get by so far, so will continue to do so until you come across something that has no flexibility.

Take no notice of anything that can promise you a cure - thats only comes from within


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

proactiveness, positivity, persistence, perseverance and practice = progress

[tnt808]

Hey!

I understand exactly what you mean when you felt so in control going to see your counselor. I do the exact same thing with my doctor...I go in having done my homework on my situation, he in turn is impressed with my knowledge and my togetherness when in reality I am just masking everything..not allowing him "in", for fear of being totally vulnerable or fear that everyone is right..I truly am mad!

As for your priorities you have to question them big time right now. Are you doing school for you?
Are you doing it for someone else?
Do you want to continue?

I have put tons of things off because it brought me out of my "comfort zone" and I just couldn't allow that to happen. Finding a comfortable place right now is safe. Safe is a good thing for us. It's so damn complicated isn't it?

Take Care of You,

Tina

[the dude]

Yeah! exactly!
I put it off and do little things to take my mind off stress...then i end up more stressed. heh
it was odd. I had this picture of me "breaking down" at the counselors office, spilling my guts. But instead i just sort of BS'ed with him and became "Mr. logic", even throwing in suggestions to improve myself.


I WANT to finish school. I mean, i see what my mother is going through now...she put it off til she was about 40 so now she goes to school and works 3 jobs.
I'd really like to get a degree, maybe go to art school (only maybe because the price is wayyyyyyyyyyyy up there) and get my bachelors, become a graphic designer/illustrator/photographer and live a life.
Of course that all seems MILES away right now. I couldnt even go an hour and a half from my house to see some bands play a show without having a panic attack within the first 10 minutes of being in the place. and shows used to be my escape from everything, a chance to let loose with friends or myself, see bands, meet new people...Now i seem to stay in my surrounding towns around the clock. Nevermind going away to school to NYC or finding a place of my own. and how is my band going to play shows this summer if i have a panic attack mid-song?

the thing is, (this is pretty unreasonable though) i'd also like to get some entry level job NOW. I'd like to work during the week, make better money and get the hell away from my job now (i work on a highway collecting tolls). the hours are rough sometimes (especially when i'm trying to follow a sleep schedule now so i can wake up earlier and do something with my day), so that and the fumes leave me feeling awful. Hell, i'd take any job...but then i think "i dont want to work anymore retail jobs" or "this job pays less than i make now, i'd have to work twice as much to break even" or "why would i work in an office setting, fetching coffee and bagels for someone? I might as well be a waiter". So job stress is also a factor.

I also constanlty feel like i need alllll this time to myself. this is a big thing.
Like the day is so short...And yet i waste it instead of making it productive.

And I KNOW i can overcome this. Which makes it even more frustrating.
I just need help going down a certain path.
I just keep putting off change...maybe i dont know how? maybe i fear change and responsibility?

[the dude]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Yeah! exactly!
I put it off and do little things to take my mind off stress...then i end up more stressed. heh
it was odd. I had this picture of me "breaking down" at the counselors office, spilling my guts. But instead i just sort of BS'ed with him and became "Mr. logic", even throwing in suggestions to improve myself.


I WANT to finish school. I mean, i see what my mother is going through now...she put it off til she was about 40 so now she goes to school and works 3 jobs just to make ends meet.
I'd really like to get a degree, maybe go to art school (only maybe because the price is wayyyyyyyyyyyy up there) and get my bachelors, become a graphic designer/illustrator/photographer and live a life.
Of course that all seems MILES away right now. I couldnt even go an hour and a half from my house to see some bands play a show without having a panic attack within the first 10 minutes of being in the place. and shows used to be my escape from everything, a chance to let loose with friends or myself, see bands, meet new people...Now i seem to stay in my surrounding towns around the clock. Nevermind going away to school to NYC or finding a place of my own. and how is my band going to play shows this summer if i have a panic attack mid-song?

the thing is, (this is pretty unreasonable though) i'd also like to get some entry level job NOW. I'd like to work during the week, make better money and get the hell away from my job now (i work on a highway collecting tolls). the hours are rough sometimes (especially when i'm trying to follow a sleep schedule now so i can wake up earlier and do something with my day), so that and the fumes leave me feeling awful. Hell, i'd take any job...but then i think "i dont want to work anymore retail jobs" or "this job pays less than i make now, i'd have to work twice as much to break even" or "why would i work in an office setting, fetching coffee and bagels for someone? I might as well be a waiter". So job stress is also a factor.

I also constanlty feel like i need alllll this time to myself. this is a big thing.
Like the day is so short...And yet i waste it instead of making it productive.

And I KNOW i can overcome this. Which makes it even more frustrating.
I just need help going down a certain path.
I just keep putting off change...maybe i dont know how? maybe i fear change and responsibility?


<div align="right">Originally posted by the dude - 29 March 2006 : 20:24:22</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

[the dude]

ah! that was supposed to be an edit! hahaha

[tnt808]

Hi,

Don't let this illness stop you from reaching your goals. I am now at a point in my life where it is debilitating for me.

The crazy thing is I still have goals and dreams, these goals and dreams involve scary things for me..so, needless to say I put them off just like you.

You're still young so I have faith that you will achieve your goals. Instead of beating this damned thing..maybe just setting the goal of learning to live with it would be just as effective. I don't know how to do it. I don't have the option as you do of taking "baby steps" such as starting w/an easy school project instead of tackling such a big one. My "thing" is either do it..or no dice. Blah!

Anyways, I used to tell myself that I was afraid to do things because I was so afraid of the outcome, and to some extent that is true. However, I also chalk it up to just plain lazy.

As far as your 1 step forward 2 steps back. We all do that! I think I do it multiple times a day. Mine's not take it day by day...mine is hour by hour.

Go get your schooling done so that you won't struggle but remember happiness is what it's all about! We are being faced with that now. To be able to do what you love is the ultimate goal. My husband always says "Do what you love, and the money will come". You have youth on your side, we're not ancient (33) although, I feel like it!

Wow, I have really rambled, haven't I? Sorry!!! If you've understood nothing what I wrote so sorry.

Take Care of You,

Tina