dont know where this fits

[yvonne_uk_98]

A visitor to a Mental Institution, asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

The Director said:
"We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub"

The visitor said:
"Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's biggiest"

The Director said:
No, a normal person would pull the ****ing plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?"

[akira]

That's great!

[yvonne_uk_98]

I was going through my boxes and came across this:

Quotations from women about women:

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows - Jennifer Unlimited-.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird-

If high heels where so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. - Marie Corelli-

Inside me lives a skinny women crying to get out, but I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. - Unknown-



Actual Answers:

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests by children of 5th and 6th grades in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time to war or argue.


Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhibitants have to live elsewhere.

The Greeks are highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him, He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out “Same to you, Brutus.”

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, “ A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s Mother died in infancy, and he was born ina log cabin which he built with his own hands.. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compostions and had a large number of children. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and Half English. He was very large

[yvonne_uk_98]

Signs: Here is a list of signs seen around the world:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD. GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.



Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air-conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES. IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE. OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.



In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel, elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTIS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.



Council Problems

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:


I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

… and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. ~We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

….50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road: every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

.. And he’s got his huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

…that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

[Magic]

Wonderful Stuff Yvonne!!!

[yvonne_uk_98]

heres a funny joke:

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

---------- Post added at 22:53 ---------- Previous post was at 22:41 ----------

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

[yvonne_uk_98]

For Adults Only!


Be sure to read to the bottom!

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .


The second prince brought diamonds.


He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course--
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand!



What were you thinking??

(I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIME!)

[yvonne_uk_98]

Paddy the irish electrician has been sacked from H.M. prison service for refusin to
fix the electric chair. He said, in his professional opinion, "Its a ****in death trap!!"......

[yvonne_uk_98]

"POTATERS"
Some people never seem motivated to participate,
but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They arecalled "Spec Taters".

Some people never do anythingto help, but are gifted
at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what
to do, but don't like to soil their own hands.
They arecalled "Dick Taters".

Some people are alwayslooking to causeproblems by
asking others to agreewith them. It is toohot or too cold,
too sour or to sweet. They ?are called "Agie Taters".

There are thosewho say they will help, but somehow
just never get aroundto actually doing the promisedhelp.
They are called"Hezzie Taters".

Some people canput up a frontand pretend to be
someone theyare not.
They are called"Immy Taters".

Then there are thosewho love others and do what they
say they will. Theyare always prepared tostop whatever
they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Po Taters".

If you know any "Sweet Po Taters",
send this to them!!

[yvonne_uk_98]

If my body was a car....

If my body was a car i would definitely be trading it in for a new model.
I've got bumps,dents,scratches & my paint job is splattered with varicose veins.
My headlights are out of focus.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
My headcloth is now grey.
My gearbox is just about seized.
It takes me hours to reach maximum speed.
I overheat for no reason.
BUT worst of all is every time i sneeze, cough or laugh either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

---------- Post added at 22:59 ---------- Previous post was at 22:50 ----------

got this from another forum, really funny.

UNIVERSITY STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by Sydney University's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his ***** while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject