I'M CROSS - AND NEED TO RANT

[pulisa]

I couldn't contemplate this and I'm older than you. I don't think you would want this either.

[Pamplemousse]

I couldn't contemplate this and I'm older than you. I don't think you would want this either.

All I want, P, is for the nightmare to end.

At the moment I can't contemplate the end of the week.

[Pamplemousse]

That's amazing PM! Sounds like an excellent business idea (although you're retiring). Do you know a fair bit about electronics? I completely suck at soldering. I got some liquid flux hoping that would help but it just created a sticky mess (is flux even meant to be sticky?).

I'm okay with old analogue electronics - both valve and transistor. At least I can still see the damned components.

And yes, flux can be sticky...

[WiredIncorrectly]

I'm okay with old analogue electronics - both valve and transistor. At least I can still see the damned components.

And yes, flux can be sticky...

You've got a skill I would love to own!

Do you know much about tube compressors? It's a dream of mine to own a Locomotive Audio Model 14B, so expensive though. I've looked into making one, but it's way above my knowledge at the moment. People like myself can't read schematics (even though I've tried so many times to learn). And I'm scared to build anything that plugs into the mains.

Are you comfortable working with electronics?

[Pamplemousse]

You've got a skill I would love to own!

Do you know much about tube compressors? It's a dream of mine to own a Locomotive Audio Model 14B, so expensive though. I've looked into making one, but it's way above my knowledge at the moment. People like myself can't read schematics (even though I've tried so many times to learn). And I'm scared to build anything that plugs into the mains.

Are you comfortable working with electronics?

Absolutely comfortable. 5KV from a transformer off the mains (for early televisions) scares the s**t out of me though.

For audio compressors, I gather that for the modern era there's a plug-in that emulates the Neve 33609 limiter/compressors very well indeed; they're still in production today and the price tag is more than my car's worth!

Whilst you're looking that up, have a look at the old Pye compressor/limiter too

[NoraB]

I have been happy in the past, and it was wonderful. But I would always be thinking "this cannot last".

Happiness, for me, comes in moments - literally seconds of sunshine and then the clouds roll in again. I know what happiness feels like, and that's what matters.

Right now I feel like a small child alone in a dark country lane, abandoned by its parents and whose last memory of them will be the tail lights of their going away at speed, with snarling dogs all around.

Or you could change the imagery and see yourself as a small child holding somebody's hands walking along a beautiful lane with hedgerows that are bursting with life? The temperature is perfect for you. There are no cars. The dogs, if any, are big and daft hounds who keep nudging you to remind you how much they love you. Nothing can hurt you; you're safe.

Your body will respond differently to these scenarios PM. The first with stress hormones. The second with calming hormones. I do this a lot now, and it helps.

I know that one day my fight, and it has always been a fight, will end, and all I will feel is love. All ego-based and negative emotions will be gone. Unhappiness? Gone. Guilt? Gone. Pain? Gone.

I experience hopelessness and despair regularly - especially since my health has gone down the shitter. Not being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it has been hard for me to get my head around. Some days I just cry and think that I can't take another day. But those are generally my high-pain days when it's 9/10 and the medication isn't working. But the next day comes and things are different. The pain has lessoned, and there's a glimmer of hope, and with that comes strength - not physical strength but internal strength, and I'm back up in life's face!

I have a past that I wish I didn't have. It's ugly, painful - shit. But some of my happiest moments are also there. Three of them call me 'Mum'. The present is about grafting my way through the crap of mental and physical issues, but also watching for those 'lights' along the way. The future? I know I will die at some point, and that doesn't scare me half as much as living has, or my own thoughts which took me to the brink of sanity. For now though, things to do, and people to piss off.

Happiness, as a state, might not last but the memories are there forever PM. When the storm comes, take those memories out and hold onto them because they'll see you through.

You're one of my favourite people on here PM. I hate that you're hurting. A lot of people care you, you know?

[Pamplemousse]

Thank you for your kind words, Nora.

This morning I am hoping to get a call from the GP practice to discuss my ongoing problems, having been fobbed off by the *******s twice. Having told the receptionist I was having suicidal thoughts I was told to go online at 7am next morning to see if I could get an appointment.

I was told to self-refer but the private company that handles MH issues round here say they're only suitable for mild to moderate illness, and I'm a long way past that.

I genuinely felt like going to the practice this morning with a Stanley knife and when the junkyard dogs come out that guard the precious GPs, putting it to my wrist and saying "either I see a doctor NOW or you get to witness a suicide. Your call."

What my NHS-employed family think of GPs is unprintable here - it'd just be a sea of asterisks but if/when this pandemic is over - or at least, manageable - I'll be campaigning for a public inquiry as to why they were allowed to sit on their pampered arses in splendid isolation when their colleagues in hospitals had no choice.

[Pamplemousse]

So, Sertraline for a fortnight to begin with.

[NoraB]

I genuinely felt like going to the practice this morning with a Stanley knife and when the junkyard dogs come out that guard the precious GPs, putting it to my wrist and saying "either I see a doctor NOW or you get to witness a suicide. Your call."

Our Rottweiler of a receptionist would still tell you to ring back at 8am tomorrow...

I think our GP's have given up on face to face consultations now. I certainly can't get in to see one of the buggers!

[Pamplemousse]

Our Rottweiler of a receptionist would still tell you to ring back at 8am tomorrow...

I think our GP's have given up on face to face consultations now. I certainly can't get in to see one of the buggers!

Halve the salaries of the buggers then.