I'm starting to realise that the reason that I have been depressed for so long (if not forever) is because I am scared of so much, things that other people take for granted.
Travel (especially foreign): being away from home freaks me out, the actual travelling itself is not something that I enjoy- I have urges to open the doors on planes, cars and trains! Going away makes me think of the size and nature of the world and that makes me panicky. But, I would love to travel and, because it feels like it's denied to me, I feel depressed.
Owning a home: this scares me because it's a responsibility and I worry that the stress of buying somewhere would make me panic. I also feel concerned that I won't have as many family around and I'll be home on my own more and that it might not feel like home and I won't settle. It bothers me as well that I might get behind with the bills and it'll be reposessed. But, I need my own space because, at the moment, I'm living with my fiancee in a small room at my gran's house.
Getting married: It concerns me that I'll feel trapped or that my wife will feel trapped and I'll drag her down with my misery. I also worry that if we split up it will be more painful after getting married. What if we fall out of love or get bored with each other? She doesn't get on that brilliantly with my family, what problems will that cause? But, I would love to have a settled home life.
Having kids: There is all the worry about whether they will be healthy and what if something goes wrong? The responsibility of being a father might freak me out. What if I don't bond with the kid? There will be so much pressure to have kids once we're married, how will I cope with that? I do need a minor procedure to become fertile, but I'm terrified of anything medical! Do I really want to create life and bring kids into this world, when I've got such a downer on it myself? But, I would like to have a big family.
Having a good job: I've got a degree, but most of my working life has been spent in factories because I don't really know what I want to do or what I'm qualified to do, because I don't have that much confidence and because I was always worried that the stress/pressure of a high-powered job would make me crumble. But I'm sick of working evenings and weekends in a factory for low pay and doing the same thing week in, week out.
Death: I worry that I won't be able to cope as well as everyone else if one of my loved ones dies and that I'll crack up.
Friends: I would love to have a big group of friends around me, but maybe I tend to reject people or push them away. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of rejection myself.
Living away from home: I live in a small town where there is very little to do and it drives me mad with boredom. I used to live in London and I loved it, but I'm afraid of moving away from home in case I don't make new friends or I feel homesick or I don't settle.
It makes me feel trapped and frustrated that those things seem so much harder (if at all possible) for me than for anybody else. It knocks my confidence that I can't do what 'normal' people do and makes me feel weak and less valid than everybody else. And the really frustrating thing is that I know that they are really easy, that it's just a psychological block that I have!!!
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
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