Hello everyone
Just thought I would post a few lines to offer someone a glimmer of sunshine who may be having a hard time of it.
I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia with GAD (general anxiety disorder) with the possibility of a tad of PTSD thrown in for good measure. I grew up with OCD but this was not diagnosed during my CBT sessions (anyone up for an initialism rap?!).
From not being able to leave my door without shaking, fearing eye contact - let alone making it - shaking when talking, writing, eating in front of people; panicking in supermarket queues - the whold shebang - to now being a relatively confident young (is 38 still young?!) woman was something that would have been completely unimaginable to me five years ago.
My therapist was wonderful. He managed to get it into my thick head that not every other human I saw was this uber confident person who would judge me as a complete failure for panicking in front of their amazingly together selves. He told me I was an attractive, intelligent woman so naturally, I fell hoplessly in love with him and slowed down in my progress for fear of not seeing him again. But that's to be expected in therapy - erotic transference and all that
My main "cures" were the following
I cut out ALL caffeine - which i discovered I was highly sensitive to.
I cut out ALL alcohol which I used to self-medicate with and was in absolute denial that it made me feel even more shaky and anxious the next day. In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find many a secret drinker on this site who is right now looking at their bag with the vodka in it and thinking "hmm I think someone is trying to tell me something here"
I went to the gym - I managed to get pass so i never had to stand at counter and put it in machine... head down .. on the treadmill. After about a week of this i could feel my confidence improving. I cannot stress how important exercising every day to me is - it is my medication and I feel very confident after a good workout with the probablilty of a panic attack to be almost zero.
I tried an ssri before the therapy - paroxetine and they screwed me up something terrible. I was unrecognisable to myself and others and had electric shock like symptoms up my head when I got off them (fortunately for me after a few weeks) Not to mention the fact that they made me sexually dysfunctional (unable to acheive orgasm - a fact they don't put in the side effects as woman are probably too bashful to report this). I think this is terrible as for people who are depressed, to have their sexuality cut off like this as well must be awful.
So for me, the only medication I tried and worked was - as required- 20-40 mg propanolol. It kept my mind clear and helped me able to go into situations I used to fear with a certainty that I could not panic. After going there a few times with them, I found myself going without the tablets and before I knew it - I maybe was taking a tablet once every few weeks if I was having a dinner party or something like that.
I stopped trying to justify myself to other people. I used to find myself smiling inanely hoping people would like me and see I was not a threat to them. I am quite tall and am told attractive so would go out of my way to be all humble and the like only to get the dirty looks back. Well, I stopped that and stopped smiling so much and an amazing thing happened. People would want to strike up conversations with me and smile at me to try and gain MY approval. It's all a "fake it till you make it" scenario that people play.
I started being gentle with myself. And more forgiving. And developed a dark sense of humour over anxiety - and I stopped calling it "my anxiety; "my panic attacks" It was panic attacks that i was deciding to let go off in my mind as I was deciding I couldn't be bothered to have them anymore. Nothing to do with fighting them.. just a "oh goodness its you again" type greeting when they appeared. Like the feeling you would get when an old boyfreind who couldn't take the hint showed up at the same dance as you. Just a "go away already" type of feeling that I think made the panic embarassed to show up sometimes - it knew it was not welcome and I was no longer giving it good negative attention!
If ever I found a person who intimidated me, I would imagine them going to their home at night to do a weird ritual like dancing around naked -save for a pair of pink pants on their head and singing: "Suspicious Minds" whilst doing an Elvis impersonation. I would like to add at this moment that you can substitute this scenario for any of your own
I am now on course to study psychology and have dreams of one day taking over my very own asylum.
Anyway, thats me by way of an introduction. I hope you all found the above helpful in some way. Peace and out for now.
Amanda
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