Posting success as part of recovery

[Hazel B]

Well done, keep fighting and thanks for the positive post!

[cathy s]

Thanks Hazel B!

[cathy s]

This morning I went for a very slow 25 min jog for the first time in months. It's something I enjoy periodically and always feel I should do more regularly as it makes such a difference to my mood for the rest of the day, as it did today. It was a success that I acted on the thought that I'd like to go instead of ruminating in bed.

Another success was remembering another thing I used to do that helped enormously and did today; when I notice (the difficult bit!) I'm worrying about something specific, I will label it worry and tell myself it doesn't matter what the content is, it's worry and I don't need it. Don't know why but this does seem to help me to stop the worry cycle.

One more success was that I started to feel anxious about feeling a little spacey lately and generally copeing, or not, with anxiety this evening as I became more tired. Instead of telling hubby to get some reassurance or symptom checking on the internet I got up and started clearing the kitchen instead. This allowed me to realise that I can still live a normal life even with unpleasant symptoms. This gave me a huge confidence boost and the symptoms receded.

I have always found it difficult to find a balance between the rest I need to calm the overstimulated nervous system, and engaging in more stimulating activities to keep my mood up. So I am optomistically treating this period of anxiety as a learning process that will give me skills to live an even better life than before anxiety, with more confidence in myself, and of course deal with relapses efficiently.

I want to add for my own future reference that a lot of what I am doing now is achieveable because I am further on in the recovery process.

I just remembered a couple of other things that helped me today to stay outside my head and keep me happy. One was thinking about what I like to do to fill leisure/relaxing time that prevents worry/rumination but more importantly give me pleasure and a sence of achievement, so for me this is hand sewing, and I got on with making a lavender cushion for mothers day. The second was getting into a board game with my sons after lunch.

As the weekend is a tricky time with lots of spare time I'm giving myself a pat on the back - literally, for trying to spend my time enjoyably and in ways that are not condusive to rumination and worry. This did happen but was kept to a minimum.

[cathy s]

Hazel B I've just realised your picture looks a bit like me!

[allergyphobia]

great to read cathy xx

[cathy s]

Thanks Allergyphobia!

[cathy s]

Todays main success happened at about 11am at college. Basically I had a thought I didn't like and I felt anxious, weird and my legs were a bit weak. And I had the usual thoughts like 'can I stay here', 'why did I think that', 'I'm still not well', 'that's depressing' etc. I calmly went back to class as I was on the way back from the loo and thought 'I won't believe that negative thought', I carried on with what I was doing, ignoring it. I felt better soon and spent the rest of the day engrossed with my printing! I can believe a little more that I felt like that just because I was hungry or still had a little morning tiredness, anything rational other than the usual rubbish the chatterbox tells me. Although I am being kind to the chatterbox as it's interest is to protect me at the end of the day.

Getting to college was a success too as I am living with a tiny bit of spaceyness and in the morning it's worse, so getting out there driving to college is a challenge. I just carry on knowing that to sit at home would make me feel so very much worse as it would be stoping me from living my life and more importantly enjoying it! I dealt with it by reminding myself that I have felt like that a lot in the morning and it's just leftover brain fag while I'm still recovering. And most importantly I can tell myself that it is not impending madness or breakdown!

At the end of the day I was rushing to pick my son up from school after doing lots of great prints feeling like my old self; busy, productive and content.

I love that I just wrote that last sentence!

[cathy s]

Todays success has been; in a lecture today I started feeing anxious about how I was feeling and if I'd be sick or freak out and I told myself - 'it's okay adrenaline I don't need you actually'. I didn't have a panic at all and I was able to concentrate on the lecture and forgot all about how I was feeling.

[cathy s]

When I woke up from an afternoon nap I started worrying about how I was feeling and what I was thinking, I told myself that I needed to give myself time to wake up properly and had a drink of water while talking to hubby about the kids instead. Then I got up and went food shopping with him and I felt good which I didn't expect, a couple of treats helped like some new moisturiser, and a tiny portable radio that I can keep next to bed and take to college. It was only £5 and will be great in the morning when the worry cycle can start. I discovered lately that this worry can be eliminated by a radio show or some lively music and I got into listening to Chris Moyle's breaking the record for comic relief, it felt great to be part of something.This makes me wonder again about doing some voluntary work, but I don't feel 100% yet and it would be foolish to push myself and get worse again. I did this only the other week; It was half term and I was feeling so much better I decided as I always wanted to belong to the smart health club near by I would join. We got carried away and signed up the whole family for £180 a month! We cannot afford this really but as my husband agreed with me that it would be good for us as a family we did it anyway. A week later I was suffering a set back and getting back to college and school routine with the kids, plus the worry of coming up with this huge monthly payment caused us to reconsider. Luckily the family activities we were hoping to do were unavailable to us so we had a good case to cancel our contracts. All this made me worry about being bi-polar, but I spoke to others who though it was a good idea at the time so I've put it put of my mind! My expectations were too high which is another issue I am dealing with!

So a good range of successes I think!; small treats - always important for keeping spirits up, distraction from worry, enjoyable activities, dealing with errors of judgement quickly and seeing mistakes as a learning curve.

I just remembered another thing I'm trying to remember to do; after years of trying to get to the bottom of why I get anxious and some recent counselling, I am finding that I view the past in quite a negative way, blaming my parents for the way I am sometimes. I feel this has led me to focus far too much on negative memories and there are just as many if not more good memories that I need to remember. So I'm trying to do this. I am also trying not to wonder what my children will come up with in years to come about my parenting skills!!!!!

[cathy s]

Short trip to Tescos this morning on my own for the first time in ages. I felt like going and instead of thinking about it at all I just went. This method has served me very well with going to college, as sometimes I have been all set to go - coat on and all - and ended up not after thinking about how I felt and what would happen. Staying home after this really dented my confidence and set off a whole chain of negative reactions. The first being proof to my 'I must keep me safe voice' that I shouldn't take risks, secondly the frustration that I'd let myself down and given in to anxiety, and thirdly that there must be something wrong with me which usually ended up with calling a helpline for reassurance. Then came the fear that tomorrow would be even more difficult as a result and that I'd missed a day of doing something I wanted to do that would have enhanced my life. So in hindsight sitting in a lecture theatre feeling nervous for a while followed by a sence of achievement and going home after having spoken to friends and feeling normal seems a far better option!

There is another crucial factor to all this which is tiredness. Tiredness robs me of the energy and will to take it all on, I know what to do and why, but some days I just haven't got the energy to face it. Here compassion comes into it and instead of beating myself up I am starting to take a breath and say; this was a day in which I needed to recharge - what can I do to care for myself, then the thought of eating a comfort food lunch (mash with boiled egg, cheese and sweetcorn or covent garden soup!) in my comfy clothes watching a film makes me feel much better. In the past I have had to force myself to do these things as my brain is usually still ruminating and being drawn like a magnet to websites, self help books and more reassurance asking 'how can I get out of this';
BY STOPPING! NOW SHUT THE LAPTOP AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!!! After the initial adrenaline goes away I find some peace.Then I can have faith that tomorrow will be different.

Rest and sleep - two of the most important components of recovery for me. (That and distraction from worry.) Much of my problem comes from flogging myself on and on and on not realising that I need to rest and calm down. I'm still working on recognising early signs.

So after all this rambling (I never mean to write so much!) I suppose the next success today is recognising I was tired this afternoon and having a nap. Afterwards I finally booked two nights away for the family during Easter in Cornwall. We'll stay at a travelodge and visit Tate St Ives! Something to look forward to at last! It's a small step to taking a trip to France (parents live there) by plane in June which I haven't booked yet as last year anxiety made it miserable. But I know I will.