Posting success as part of recovery

[cathy s]

Typical Monday feeling today the same as everyone else, but normally I would interpret these feelings in the wrong way and start ruminating. I was succesfull at not doing this too much today by carrying on with the normal routine.

Big success came from allowing hubby to drop me off and leave me at college as he needed the car. I started to worry last night about how I'd be when left without the safety of my car and I had to keep reminding myself that I can't worry about tomorrow, just stay in the now where I feel fine. This worked well, even though I had to do it a few times, and when morning came I was busy getting everyone ready and once at college forgot all about it.

So another confidence boost from taking a risk. And more practice at getting rid of worry.

[cathy s]

Last night I fell asleep too early and woke up soon after with the thought 'what is life for anyway', I have had thoughts like this in an obsesional way in the past and usually get anxious and worry about them thinking that I should just be living life and enjoying it, or I must be depressed, which makes them have importance and come back more. On this occasion I spoke to hubby about it (which I try not to do as my confidence lessens if I rely on him to make me feel better.) But what he did was remind me that everyone thinks like this sometimes and are not skipping about having a lovely time all day oblivious to the fact that we'll die sometime and nobody knows what it's all about! Funny because I dealt with a similar thought earlier in the evening by thinking 'all these thoughts are fantasy, just thoughts, what is real is what is here in front of me right now'. That sorted me out and I felt happy simply reading my book enjoying the evening light of the bedroom waiting to put the kids to bed.

So, success in putting things in perspective, accepting things as they are, and knowing we're all dealing with the same issues. Being right here and now enjoying what ever is on offer, or doing something to make myself more comfortable (usually taking care of basic needs - hunger, comfort etc - as this is something I have neglected in the past, but makes a huge difference to how I feel.)

In the night the cat brought the third mouse into the house of the day, I think it was the same one cos hubby didn't take it far enough away! It was 5am and I was in danger of thinking and not sleeping. Thanks to the relaxation exercises I do I can now relax my whole body really quickly and I was soon asleep again.

Two successes before morning -result!

[JaneC]

Well done Cathy, you're doing brilliantly

[cathy s]

Thank you!

[allergyphobia]

well done cathy x

[PoppyC]

You sound like you are doing really well, Cathy!Well done! I am really enjoying reading your thread.
You will love the Tate in St Ives. I have been a few times. It is so interesting.
Hope you have a good, relaxing holiday in Cornwall!

[cathy s]

Thanks allergyphobia!

[cathy s]

Thanks PoppyC, I am really looking forward to Tate St Ives, even more so now you've said that!

Cathy

[cathy s]

I've had a viral thing for the last few days, so my success has been to calm myself down to prevent anxiety/panic when driving on the school run and things seemed a bit unreal. I told myself that it was just the virus, I was still in complete control and if I ignored it I would feel better, and I did!

Other successes have been;
Being assertive with my son so that he now gets ready on time for school.
Asking hubby to help out when I felt I have reached my limit.
And in the last few days doing chores around the house so that it's quite tidy and clean around here apart from the bathroom which I hate doing! (It's been left for hubby to do lately as he's not working at the moment and I'm at college most of the day, but funnily enough he find's it more interesting to play pc games than notice the stairs need a hoover! Sometimes I wish I was like him!)

I've just had a book (Kiss and Tell - Fiona Walker) delivered (5 mins ago) that I've been waiting ages for! The last time she wrote about these charactors was years ago and I'm really excited to find out what happens to them and will be engrosed until it's finished! Great way to spend the weekend!

[cathy s]

Just need to add another success today as I feel it is important because it's probably my main problem. I want to add that this is something I'm dealing with quite often and is made worse today because of the virus I've got and pmt!

I had a depressing thought I didn't like. Felt down and worried and a little scared. Had choices and poss outcomes;
1.Write down a thought record to get to the bottom of the thought, what I was afraid of, why, and to try and change it, or finding of core belief from it etc.
- Although extreemly tempting and very helpful for others, I know from past experence that for me this is the wrong thing for me to do. I don't really have any defining negative core beliefs about myself, and so all it does is keep the thought going, makes it more important, prevents me from doing something that might make me feel okay and happy again and make me withdraw from the family.
2.Talk to hubby about it as he makes me feel better.
- This takes the power away from myself to feel confident that I can deal with these thoughts.
3.Ignore it and read my book.
- Best so far but need to remind myself that I may feel a little sad for a while but the feeling and thought will recede into the past if I let it.
4.Look at a self help book.
- Again, done many times before, all it does for me is reassure me taking away my ability to reassure myself, filling my head with loads of things I 'could' do to help which is overwhelming, and again takes me off into my own world of 'there's something wrong with me that needs fixing'.
5.Post a question on here like 'is this a depressive or anxious thought and how should I deal with it'.
-Again this prolongs the experience, and I should reassure myself.
6.Let myself feel sad about the thought and do nothing, and see what happens.
- This is a good option that I can combine with getting on with something else.
7.Do something practical like housework to distract myself.
- I have found this to be a negative response as I have spent years trying to be busy to avoid negative emotions, and quite often the thoughts or feelings just stay with me as the activity is not engaging enough. I've ended up unhappy as I'm doing jobs all the time and very tired, causing stress and more worry and anxiety.

What I actually did was start to analyse the thought in my head and run through all the options as above. Whilst not ideal, at least I stopped focussing on the actual thought and realised that it was not the troubling thought that was the problem as it was probably a left over thought brought out by memory as I was obsessing over these thoughts before Christmas. No, the main issue of course is my reaction to the thought. Which makes it easier to deal with as I can see that the thought is connected to an irrational fear of - I'm not sure what, I can only guess - which then makes it easier to disregard it. It also helps to remember that everyone has these thoughts and don't find them an issue and so they go and are not a problem at all.
At the time my son was on Wii fit plus, and asked if I wanted to join in. Half of me had a strong urge to go to my bedroom to figure all this out, to get rid of the thought and make it alright so I can feel better, but I knew this would be futile and prolong the experience. So I said yes to my son and enjoyed my turn. The thought is no longer and issue and I feel okay. But more importantly I can remember the thought for what it was - irrelevant.

If I keep vigilant I will soon be dealing with these thoughts automatically, and they will come and go with only a moments effect on my mood. Then they will lessen and almost dissapear.