Posting success as part of recovery

[cathy s]

Hi Snowgoose

Thanks for your kind message, it's great that my experience made a little difference. I hope you feel better today.

Cathy X

[cathy s]

There are a couple more things I've been remembering that are helping me. One has helped me a lot and it's a tip my friend told me from Paul McKenna I can make you thin book, it was to only tackle things if you feel 100%. I know that in the past I have spent most of the time running on nervous energy. I notice that a lot of other people will do things slower or do one chore in a day where I would do many. Of course nervous energy is feeding anxiety! I though it was because I liked to be busy but really I was so used to that pace that I thought it was normal. Anyway, that tip causes me to stop and think about how I feel before I rush to the shop or start a difficult essay or whatever. I can ask myself - can this wait and do I feel 100% - not with anxiety as I'm doing well with that, just basic needs again. Yesterday I'd had a busy day and instead of tidying my really messy house, had a lay on the bed and read. I felt a little guilty, but after a while I felt refreshed and did the jobs happily. I'm trying to regulate myself, keeping myself happy and well as much as possible, I've been asking myself why I feel the need to push myself. When I think about it that way I am starting to realise that my reasons are outdated. I can stop now and be happy and relax.

What's the other one? I can't remember! I'll write it when I remember!

[cathy s]

I wanted to write today to simply say that as far as anxiety is going I'm getting along well. I feel like the strategies I have been using are working so well that I am not even needing to use them much anymore, either that or I don't notice when I do use them. I haven't been anxious for ages. No panic's and no worry that I can recall. I am doing well in giving myself what I need to be relaxed, and comfortable, and as happy as the next person.

Each day there might be a small but 'normal' issue I need to deal with like being tired through lack of sleep, having pmt, or spring hay fever, and I feel like I'm dealing with these for what they are instead of contributing feeling a little down to depression or anxiety, thereby making it worse and prolonging it. I can tell myself I'll feel better in a while and get on with the day and do feel back to a normal level of contentment again soon. Yesterday for instance, I was feeling grotty in the morning and so took it easy, I said to myself 'what do I feel and what do I need'. Well basically I felt tired and needed to rest, and a little grumpy so listened to some music and painted my toe nails green and sparkly to lift my mood! We visited my sister in law and partner for bbq at their house, and we had such a good time we stayed for the rest of the day. I was able to ignore habitual worries about old food phobia's and was not affected at all. We all took a walk without me being worried about how far I was from their house. I tried to relax and be myself socially and was easily able to do that. It was a really great day.

I'm at the stage where I'm not really thinking about what I'm doing much I'm just living life and enjoying it. I've been making some homemade birthday cards which has been fun, it's something I can pick up & put down to prevent boredom.

Another aspect is dealing with issues not from an anxious point of view, which was my default setting in every troubling situation, but realising that it might just be that I don't want to do something. I know that from all my experience of facing up to fears, and the fact that I am feeling strong right now, I am able to do anything that I want even if it makes me feel scared. Anxiety doesn't stop me. And so picking my battles is a skill I'm learning. I'm specifically thinking about a yearly family holiday to France. Basically I don't want to go this year, for many reasons, and the only reason I feel I should go is down to a sense of duty - one my parents haven't shared as they've only been back here once since they moved there 5 years ago. I'm 40 two weeks before the holiday that my brothers and families have already booked, and I'd rather spend what little money we have on doing something we want to do. To be free and in peace. It's okay to be selfish sometimes, isn't it?

I guess I'm at the stage where I'm out of the tension and misery of worry and anxiety and am trying hard to put helpfull habits in place that will keep me within normal levels of these without becoming overwhelmed, exhausted or depressed with them.

In order to do this I have to know myself and act in my best interests first. I know I will always be kind and thoughful, and make sure I'm fair and that others are okay, feel heard, understood and loved. I'll still have these qualities if I make my life happy first. I've been studying others that do this and deal with life well, and now I'm learning how. Finally!

[cathy s]

I'm exctied to write this next lot of successes because I feel like I have recognised the beginings of what causes problems for me.

This week has been the lead up to a few major things happening next week; two college deadlines (one is a presentation - horrid!), pmt, and my young son going on a school trip to France. Also this house is a mess as always and I've had hay fever and therefore haven't been sleeping well.

The first success is that I have noticed changes in me that signify the beginings of, whatever can I call it? - stress? It comprises of negative thinking, unwanted thoughts, overthinking, tiredness, dissorganisation, frustration, ignoring basic needs, overworking, overplanning, making unrealistic lists of things to do, getting too excitable, and a tiny little anxiety once in the night - I think that's all! It's all been building up and this morning, after a lively conversation with my husband about trying to reach a conclusion about my art and the art world in gereral - big things of which there is no conclusion - I realised just what I was doing. It sounds simple but it was a revalation to me as the words I said to my husband came out of my mouth; 'there's so many things to do, I need help, I feel overwhelmed, it's all in my head at once.'

Only then did I see what was happening and how I was habitually and uncessucsessfully dealing with stress. I could see that I was trying to 'solve' something unconnected to the thoughts and emotions that were overwhelmng me. Ones that I couldn't get rid of or solve right now and to feel like I was doing something that made me feel in control. I have used this unhelpful strategy for years without realising it was making things worse until the last few years, and then gradually weaing myself off!

Only then could I put in place the strategies that may help;

1. I named the problem - ' I'm overwhelmed - everything is in my head at once.'

2. Acknowledging that I am nervous about my son going away, it isn't nice but I have to accept it, just like most of the other mums. And also accepting that the deadlines will make me feel tense, just the same as everyone else in my class. Feel it all and carry on.

3. I told myself 'I need to concentrate on one thing at a time.' Saying it all out loud seems to make a difference to me, my voice focusses my concentration. I literally said out loud the names of the clothes I was finding to get dressed! Sounds crazy!!

4. I noticed myself getting back into the world and out of my head by seeing properly what was in front of me as I walked up the stairs.

Then I got all excited and had to come and write it all here!! So this is the stage I am at now.


We've a really busy day as it's the last day to get certain things done before the deadlines and trips. So I've made a list. I've got ready, eaten well and am hydrated. I will try to concentrate only on what I am doing, repeating phrases of what I'm supposed to be doing to myself when I notice I'm worrying about something else. I'll try to have a relaxed floppy body throught the day, and carry water. I'll rest when ever I can and do absolutely nothing ( I have a habit of - 'I'll just pick this book up while I'm resting and read a bit more for the essay!) -NO YOU WON'T! , and, reluctantly get some early nights!

I'll see how that works out! The aim is to get some of what I need to get done, done. The not feel completely exhausted at the end of the week. To have attended to all my basic needs. Take frequent breaks. Keep concentrating on one thing at a time, keeping in mind a prioity of things to be done. And remember that my son will be home again soon, I've aleady done enough to pass my project and the rest is just to increase my grade, and the presentation is just a necessary evil everone has to go through!

Appologies for any errors in this, I'm in a rush to get going!

[Elen]

Thanks for your posts Cathy they are a huge help

[cathy s]

That's groovy, thanks Elen!

[cathy s]

Yesterday went well. I felt relaxed as we went through the to do list. There were things that weren't done but I didn't worry about it, as I know I did my best. I even went to bed early! I woke in the night and nearly started worrying about an unwanted thought, but I started to observe myself. This allowed me to detach myself from the thoughts and noticed that all I was doing was following a habit of thought that I had from ages ago that were triggered by a feeling I had. The feeling itself was harmless, and unworthy of the importance I placed on it. I soon fell asleep again.
Today is another challenge, but I have my realistic list of things to do in priority. Also I have worked out with my husband who will do what, so I don't feel it's all down to me and we're organised. My husband is really helpful but I forget to ask for help sometimes and get all flustered. I've learned how important it is to be clear and calm when asking for help.

[cathy s]

It is the end of a long and eventful week. My Son went and returned from a school trip to France, I missed him very much and am so glad to have him safely home again. My success in this instance was feeling the feelings, not trying to dismiss them and letting worrying thoughts pass. I noticed when I was starting to think negatively, and realised I was feeling a little down so it passed quickly.

I survived a 15 min presentation successfully - it wasn't brilliant but I did what I needed to pass. It is a requirement of the course that carries few marks and I kept this in perspective so I wasn't to nervous or wasted too much time on it. I also successfully made my art project deadline and produced some successfull work. I achieved this by being organised with my time and getting in early which is the way I've found best for me. I did carry on when tired and hungry sometimes and felt I should have gone home earlier some days, but I guess that's what most people do when there's a deadline so I won't beat myself up for doing something wrong. To be expected I've been feeling more tired and have had some stress that has manifested itself in some unwanted obsessional type thoughts. I have dealt with these better sometimes than others. I haven't reverted back to old unhelpful ways which is a success for me. I haven't asked my husband or mother for reasurance either. I have been trying to remember why I'm tired and a little stressed. Someone once said 'stress gets you at your weak spot', so instead of worrying about why I feel or think the way I do, I try to isolate it as stress and do my best to neutralise the stress and accept it all knowing it'll all pass.

I was really intersted when a friend told me about feeling really anxious when she was prepairing for a difficult interview. Because she doesn't have a problem with anxiety normally, she carried on as normal without worrying about how she was feeling and a few days after the interview she was fine again. It made me realise that my 'normal' in the past was running too fast (as I've said before) so I would usually be anxious, worried and stressed. Plus I always wonder what Citalopram does for me and what I need to do to feel okay without it. I've learned over the years that the answer is more complicated than I thought and requires change in quite a few areas. I think I'm a good way there, I just need to repeat the new things for long enough for them to be my new habit. The hard thing was that the strategies can be learned, but at the end of the day everone has slightly different things to apply them to. I made the mistake for ages thinking that all it would take is for someone to realise what's wrong with me exactly and tell me my own special step by step plan to be happy again. It sounds silly as I write it but this is what I thought. Now I know otherwise I am having more success and am relying on me which has greatly improved my confidence. It was a scary realisation at first, I felt vulnerable and alone. But now I feel I can stand on my own two feet, and that has made me feel much happier.

During this week I've been examining, when it happens, why I feel the need to push myself to get the best marks regardless of my basic needs. I got top marks for my last course, but at great cost. I did nothing but work. I worked past my energy threashold over and over again. I didn't do things I enjoyed, or take time out to relax, or enjoy time with my family. All that mattered was the grade. As a result I wasn't enjoying myself while I made the art, or life in general. Even after getting the grade I wanted I wondered if it was all worth it, I suppose I was valuing myself in relation to my achievements which is obviously wrong! Perfectionistic tendancies stop me doing things as I know I will put so much effort into it, but if I start doing something I really want to do I expect a heck of a lot from myself. The only things I truly care about are my family and now art. And I usually feel I'm not doing well enough in both! It's taken me till I'm 40 to finally be doing the art degree as I didn't feel good enough before. I'm rambling. Basically I'm trying to remember what I really want which is the usual - enjoy spending time with my family, art, and myself whenever I have the oportunity. I'm trying to notice when I am doing these things, even if it's just a moment I've shared with someone that was special, even if it was that I was more patient with someone. Even if it was noticing that I was lost in a moment whilst painting or sculpting.

Ramble over!

One more thing! Trying to please other people is a fruitless task isn't it! I'm trying not to do that anymore! The times I've worried about what total strangers think is ridiculous. As my 12 year old now says - 'you won't see them ever again!'.

[cathy s]

Sucesses for this week include;
+ Not getting too stressed about an essay draft, but doing my best and asking for the help I need with it (academia is not my strong point!)
+ Getting an A for my last project, which I achieved by being in college at the times I'd set myself, a bit more organisation and doing rather than thinking about doing!
+ I got a B for my presentation.
+ Family & me went to Pallant House Gallery in Chichester after quite a stressful day yesterday evening, and I coped well by conciously relaxing my body on the way there. I had zero anxiety during the whole thing, and enjoyed it - when the kids weren't complaining of boredom and hunger! And I didn't feel guilty feeding them junk food on the way home!
+ I got the children out the door and off to school on time today after we all got up late!
+ Another main success is that I walked to the school to collect the children the other day with hubby and enjoyed it! The school run has always been extreemly anxiety provoking with agoraphobia. Some days I would find it almost impossible to drive the 2 mins round the corner to get them. It had become a deeply ingrained thing in my mind, so even if I was feeling okay memory would kick in and start off a chain reaction. Some days I would worry about the school run from lunchtime. The afternoon was worse because I was more tired and had time to think about it, as opposed to the morning rush. That was when it was at it's worse, but at a good point after I'd worked on the list of feared situations they tell you to do, I achieved walking to school alone with only my keys in my hand. So I know it can be done. The reason I feel I ended up fearful of it again was stress related to dealing with my parents moving abroad. I wasn't assertive enough about my limits or basic needs, not even realising what they were in fact, and not asking for help with it all. So good, I know where I went wrong, and now I'm at the stage I'm at, I'm better equiped to keep anxiety and agoraphobia in it's place.
+ Success as far as thinking goes - As this is a stressful time at college with lots of dealines, when I notice I'm starting to think about how I feel and wondering if I'll panic, I think to myself 'there's no need for that, I'm not in any danger', and as I'm not running too hot at the moment it works and I relax. When I was running too hot the chain rection in my head would be too quick and I'd be extreemly anxious strait away.
+ Last one! Keping in perspective (on and off!!!!) that getting this degree is only part of my life. It is good enough to do my best whilst looking after myself and not overdoing it. Grades aren't important, enjoying it and passing is.

[cathy s]

I think it is important to note at this stage of a stressful time at college that I am balancing things out with relaxing activities, and keeping things in perspective.

Things are going well. I did start to get the old anxious thoughts that came just from habit at a stressful time. But from all I've learned, I was able to remind myself why it's a stressful time, know it'll be over soon, and look forward to life after! Having a laugh with hubby helped, and a good escapist action film perked me up no end!