Does it get any easier?
Ive been suffering with anxiety and depression now for just over 8 years, im only 24. It all started when i was just 16, since then i have had a full time job of 5 1/2 years but in 2009 i suffered a double blow i was made redundant in the february and was told on the first monday of march that i had to undergo a major operation. in this operation i had to be cut open right across my stomach and had to have 29 staples in total (i am only a small woman, size 8/10 in clothes and only 8st) anyway, in this operation i had to have my entire spleen removed and also the tail end of my pancreas which now means i have no immune system and have to take medication for life, as well as catching each and every bug, cough going etc. Since the operation i have suffered from severe anxiety as the op all came as a shock not to mention that my surgeon thought i had a cancerous tumor (thankfully it was non cancerous)but none the less i feel like my anxiety is getting worse :( i dont like riding in cars im constantly on edge and think something bad is going to happen, i have a fear of crowds, strange men, men who have consumed alcohol! im currently at CBT and other therapys with my local mental health team.... but im beginining to think is there ever going to be an end to the suffering and a new chapter of my life with no anxiety, depression and no worries?? Its really hard i come from a large family of 4 brothers and 4 sisters, im the youngest and the next in line to me is 28, then after they are all a year or 2 apart up to the oldest being 38, 16 nieces and nephews in total yet having such a large family with both my parents still alive and i have couple of close friends yet i still feel so alone in this so called 'journey' of life im in. no one seems to understand any of the feelings i have or the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. Often feel stupid for having these thoughts and think (not that im suppose to think or ASSUME what other people think) but i do, i think they are saying inside 'oh here she goes again' or sometimes that they think im not normal or my thoughts arent normal, even though they have no idea what its like. Aghhhh sometimes i just want to scream at whoever or whatever is inside my mind making me think/react the way i do. i just want to get back to the old me, the one whos only worries were what to wear and what to have for breakfast/lunch/dinner, because at the minute i couldnt care less about my appearence or whether i eat or not. I would love to get to a stage of what i would call 'normal' were i can go out and do things that people my age are doing, have a normal relationship (because at the min mines is not at that stage because of me
), take care of my appearence, not be so scared of everything... before that even to be able to go out and walk down the street by myself without thinking that something bad with happen or someone i meet will harm/hurt/mug me or just sit in a car for the duration of a car journey, like for me to see my surgeon i have to travel 60 miles up a motorway and the entire journey i feel hot start to panic and just feel like im going to be sick. these things in life shouldnt be making me feel like this, these are things i see people doing daily but for me its more like a nightmare. More recently my anxiety has started to effect me in more ways, if my boyfriend leaves in the car i panic and my head seems to go into overdrive with worry. the feeling of fear is taking over my life. I want to hear from past suffers/survivors and their methods to recovery and how they cope on a day to day basis. i want to fight back but i am begining to cross over from tryin to giving up. Any help would be very much appreciated as im at the end of my tether. Im reaching out to someone or anyone who has taken the time to read this to let me know if they feel the same or have experienced something similar. thanks for reading my wee introduction to myself and so called 'life' at the minute... if i could even call it a life.
..x..X..x..
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