I find it hard to put it all into words so bare with me on this.
Im not bitter about my life & what has happened in it but i maintain what i have gone through is down to my father. I have slowly been building bridges with him over the last two year, previous to that i had'nt spoken to him in two years.
From 11 years old i have suffered with panic attacks on & off some bad some not so.
As far back as i can remember like a few people have said on here with parents or a parent who belittles their child that happened to me. I was regularly told i was stupid etc & again as others have said if i got something right in school then it was just a fluke, i never got any praise for any reports either. Luckly though i do have a wonderful mum & that helped & has helped so much.
He also had a big problem with drink when i was growing up & myself & others would say he is an alcoholic, i would sit there in fear of what kind of a state he would come home from the pub in, he would regularly start arguments so he could have an excuse to go to the pub again, he would also when talking to mum & i come right up close to our faces it put the fear of hell in me. (i now cannot stand someone to get close to me when they have had a few drinks the stench on the breath makes me feel so sick)
In my life time i have been pushed up against a door by him, he has held me by my ankles over a balcony & ive had a knife put to my ribs (two of those incidents was when he was under the influence of drink)
At 27 i finally went to my doctor as after 3 years of starting work in a call centre & life at home being unbearable (my mum by then was helping to look after my then baby neice in London) i got signed off with depression, i had felt down for a while but tried to carry on the best i could but had to admit to myself i was just very tired of everything that had gone on work wise & home wise.
It was in this period that i decided to take an overdose then i realised what i had done & became frightened, i told my mum what i had done & she of course immediatly rang for an ambulance, i had an over nights stay in the emergency ward that monitored me every hour, next day i was told id taken about 200mg (i was told i had given it a damn good go) I swear now i will never ever put my family & close friends through that ever again, in the cold light of day i realised how selfish i was to do that & all the upset & distress it would have caused if anything had happened. (Please note in a million years i never thought i would do anything like suicide, i really scared myself that day).
After having the time out things started to look & feel better but in early 2003 my wonderful aunty had a massive asthma attack & died all very sudden, a few months later my lovely Uncle died from terminal cancer. However there was light there as in late April of that year i met my future husband Chris who has been so supportive, very kind & means the world to me.
I tried getting back into the swing of the call centre but had lost my confidence with it so asked for a transfer to the admin dept which is in another area of Bristol. It was there again i was to meet a bully of a supervisor that no matter what i did nothing seemed good enough again i tried & tried but i just was'nt strong enough to take stuff like that anymore i had already been physically drained enough. I went to my boss & told him what was happening but he didint seem to want to understand & seemed to try & brush things under the carpet, i then went to his boss who i had worked with previously in the call centre, by then though it was to late though i was so low i just used to cry buckets at lunch time on the phone to Chris who was very upset & worried about me & angry that nothing was being done to help. Again i went back to my doc who once again signed me off & that is where i had been in limbo since as the depression & anxiety went into agoraphobia in late 2004. Work had been willing to keep my job open for me & get me into a different office from this supervisor but i just couldnt get my head round any of i
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