Hello
Not sure if this goes in general anxiety as it's kind of more general advice! I was just wondering how people react when someone is making unhelpful comments, but probably has the best intentions at heart!
I'm going to quit smoking at the weekend and was going to keep it secret from my best friend because she always makes unhelpful comments about it, then I start smoking again. But due to circumstances, it's not really going to be possible to hide it from her.
She quit smoking using Alan Carr's method and believes this is the only one that works. That may well be true but I don't know that for certain and I am more comfortable using replacement therapy. But each time I've tried to quit smoking she's immediately said I can't do it and it'll never work because I'm doing it wrong! She could be right, of course, but all this really does is break my resolve. But if I say anything against Alan Carr, she says that I could make her a smoker again by disagreeing with him!
So, it's difficult. This is a friend that often makes unhelpful comments about other areas of my life (although these are relatively rare and we generally have a great relationship) and has treated me badly when we were young (but then I regret many things I did/said as a teenager). I've never said anything to her about it but that just means that I tend to lie awake at night feeling really angry that she doesn't treat me like I treat her!
I think she has my interests at heart but I find her unhelpful in a few ways. Is there a good way I can explain this to her if she says something again when I have another go at quitting smoking? I think if I told her her comments were making it more difficult for me she'd get in a mood! But I'm really useless with these situations and rarely tell people when they've done something to upset me because I worry that in doing so they will get upset. Then if I do say something and they seem upset or annoyed, I feel really guilty about it and always apologise (whether it's my fault or not!) to make the situation comfortable again, which doesn't really get the message across!
She's a good person and she wouldn't like to think she's upsetting me, so I think she just doesn't realise. But then she has suffered from almost all the same neuroses as me and I'm worried that it would affect her self esteem if she knew. I don't want to be responsible for making her feel unwell, because she's been doing CBT and is doing brilliantly! I'm not sure this would even be the right time to say anything. At least not until she's been better for quite a while.
So is there a way I could speak to her about this that wouldn't make her feel bad about it but would get the message across that her words affect my confidence and self esteem?
Thanks