Hey, now before we start i would like to take this time to warn anyone that is already feeling down not to read this as it may worsen your feelings. What is written in the "story" below are 100% true feelings, and accounts from my life so far, i have chosen to "air" these with yourselves so hopefully someone may have some idea what is causing all these thoughts and feelings. I am currently on anti d's and my gp says she will refer me to a pshyco-therapist but i pshycologist if i want, i am not sure which one, please could your comment on what you see...i know this is a strange way of viewing someone elses problem, but it feels right....here goes (there is lots)
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My depression started whilst at secondary school, not entirely sure at what point, but I remember significant parts such as, being laid in bed whilst living at home, with my parents, dreaming of being in an accident of some sort, and being rushed into hospital, and being on a life support machine. This sounds sick I know but I presume it’s some sort of extreme attention seeking.
Then shortly after came the turning point, I was suddenly accused of doing some awful things to a lad whom I used to be best friends with at school, the main parts of the investigation are that I was asked by Lincolnshire Police to attend an interview, based on the fact that there were allegations made against me in conjunction with threats to kill, criminal damage, bullying etc: This lads house, was damaged several times, he had been stabbed with a pen at school, had his clothes ripped, home phone line cut, threatening emails etc:. This of course I had absolutely nothing to do with, but the police could not seem to find anything to connect me with this, but still they kept me informed of what was happening.
By this time, the bullying towards me at school had increased because “he” is the victim and I was portrayed as the villain. I left school hoping that this was a turning point for me, as I left all the school pupils behind, and so it was a fresh start for me. I signed up to the local college, and thought everything was going sweet until I was asked to attend an interview with Humberside Police this time, as the college was within their territory. I arrived at the police station where I was immediately arrested for fresh crimes allergated against me. These allegations included threats of gay rape, theft, attempted theft, and general bullying. Eventually the truth rose up, and after much pressure from the police against this lad, because they suspected him of lying he finally admitted the truth that he had made it all up, and he was diagnosed with some mental illness.
As for the self-harm issues, I am not sure what fired that off, I remember being sat in a life skills class at school, this being way before the whole incident above, and getting a pair of scissors out of my pencil case and just “nipping” at the skin on my hand. It didn’t seem to hurt much, and seemed to release some sort of pressure, so that was it then, every time I could get a sharp object I would do it, only small at first, like at the park, finding some broken glass, it was a way out, and I didn’t care to stop and think what I was doing or who saw me.
I think the distinctive lack of friends throughout my childhood has not helped my matters one bit, I have had friends or I shall now call them “accomplices” as they only ever came round to see me, or came out if there was something in it for them. I completely refused to accept what my parents said about them using me, because as far as I was concerned, if I got rid of them, then there was nobody.
My downward spiral of hate and depression, seemed to be never ending, I changed my image and lifestyle completely. I found a way to express myself even more. I found rock & heavy metal; I loved it, and still do to this day. I loved the looks I got, dressed all in black, with black nail varnish on.
When I left home, to live in my own flat, I had a well paid job, a car, and a home, it should have been great, another new beginning, but it just wasn’t
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