Ah Horrible night!

[harasgenster]

Right. I quit smoking today. I immediately felt really depressed and I didn't want to eat (which kind of makes sense because I first started smoking because I thought it might act as a displacement activity because I was a compulsive eater at the time - thought I could replace one addiction for another). Fell asleep and woke up because we had to go to this meal at my bf's friends' house.

Several reasons I didn't want to go:
1) Hate meeting new people (v.shy)
2) These guys know someone I work with (but I work at home) - extra incentive to make a good impression
3) This couple met through my bf's ex (they could compare me to her)
4) This couple are good friends with another girl that bf was obsessed with (another comparison)
5) They have a kid. Always worried I will hurt child or even sexually abuse them! Or say something offensive and make parents upset.

What happened:
1) Loads of conversations about girl bf used to be besotted with - what she's doing now etc (must have felt sorry for bf going out with me because they knew other girls. Felt really embarrassed).
2) I was wearing a red dress I wore last summer. Had last summer asked my bf which dress I should wear to a night out - this red one or black one. He said black one, which I presumed meant I looked fat in the red one. Realised that was stuped and forgot about it for a while. Wore red one tonight. Bf says: Is that the same dress you wore last summer? I say yes. He smiles proudly and says "you've lost a lot of weight". The dress is size 6. When we met I was size 8 (I'm 5"4). Made me feel like I was too fat when we first met and he didn't want me to wear the red dress because he was embarrassed to go out with a fat girl. Eventually explained this later and he said he only thought it was a good thing I'd lost weight because I always talk about it, not because he wanted me to be thinner. He had meant it as a compliment. Still felt awful.
3) Bladder playing up. On my period. Always much worse on my period. Had to go to the toilet four times in a few hours. Really embarrassing!

What I did:
1) excused myself to the bathroom to cry a few times
2) Very worried all the time that I don't talk enough and people may take offence so I always smile LOADS to show I am grateful and appreciative and enjoying myself. Did this tonight but heard my voice cracking where I was on the verge of tears and worried they noticed. Bf said he didn't notice. Still worried they might have, though.

On way back, felt really down. Fantasised about all the ways I'd like to cut/harm myself. I do this a lot but I haven't self harmed since I was 14 and don't think I'd do it again because I now understand that it hurts the people I love more than it hurts me.

This is just a rant. Sorry. I don't know what to do. I feel absolutely terrible. I'm smoking again now, which has taken the edge off, but feel awful. I'm not suicidal but I keep thinking I want to die (if that makes sense!) I do this a lot. I want to be just gone - extinguished - I don't want to deal with this anymore, but at the same time I don't actually want to die.

Sorry. Just a rant. Not sure anyone can help, I just needed to write it down!

[KK77]

Remember that even if people judge you, they're still constantly altering their perceptions - it's not a set-in-stone, static phenomenon. If they were to see you again they might come to very different conclusions. What I'm pointing out is that you might think they have formed a fixed impression of you that won't ever change but this isn't the case at all. Also, people forget such things - it's the non-verbal communication that tends to stick.

They may have judged you in a way that means absolutely nothing to you. If someone were to comment or judge me on the fact that I have a London accent, it means very little to me cos it doesn't bother me in the slightest. So how do you know on what criteria these people might have judged you?

The person that's judging you the most is you Haras. It's very easy to project our insecurities onto others and then come to the presupposed conclusions. Be gentle on yourself. It really matters not what others think of me cos I know that people are constantly changing, updating, altering their views. I could never keep up if I tried hehe. It would be a battle I'd lose, so my advice would be to remember that the perceptions, judgments, conclusions that really matter here are your own - and whether you turn them against yourself or use them as your greatest asset.

I hope that helps somewhat.

[harasgenster]

Thanks MM
I know you're right. It's something I'm being constantly told and I am really trying to take it on board,, but I'm finding it really difficult! I think all the ways I think are ways I've been thinking since I was tiny and I'm really struggling to be rational. I've got some books on self esteem and have been trying to do the exercises, but as soon as I start I just feel like I need to sleep!

What doesn't help is that I am actually very cynical. I'm one of those people that really does judge people instantly (not on what they say but on social dynamics and body language). I realise others don't do this, as my friends think it's cruel of me to make a decision on someone in the first 5 seconds, but I can't help it! I suppose because I know I do that, I imagine some others might too.

Even if they changed their minds when they met me again, I can't imagine how it would change. I feel that I am so obviously useless that there's no way they'd think their friend should go out with me. I know no one thinks I'm a bad person or unfriendly, because I am never unfriendly and I don't think I do immoral things, it's more that I think everyone will think I'm plain/dull/frumpy/loser.

I know it's just because this is what I think of myself, though. I'll just have to keep gong back to those books!

[KK77]

That's a really honest post Haras - I think you know exactly what you're doing and why - and obviously putting all this into practice to bring about a real change is far easier said than done! But trust me: awareness has got to be the first challenge; followed by acceptance and then action.

Anxiety and cynicism go together: it's good to be sceptical at times, so we don't get sucked into acquiescing to all and sundry, but cynicism (the negative, distrusting and disparaging sense of the word) has its roots in fear, which is why I say we anxiety sufferers usually indulge in it! It does make us very judgmental: we're constantly judging ourselves so naturally extend this to others.

I think the moral of the story is that if we don't learn to make ourselves 'happy' then no one else stands a chance.

And please don't reduce any further from size zero - there will be nothing left of you

TC.

[shoegal]

Oh dear. I'm sorry you had a difficult night.

I think the first thing I need to point out to you is... NOT EVERYBODY PERCEIVES THINGS IN THE SAME WAY AS YOU AND NOT EVERYONE THINKS IN THE SAME WAY AS YOU!!! You assumed that your bf's friends were comparing you to the other girl, but you have no evidence of that. They only mentioned her because they know her! It's just a thought in YOUR head. It's the same with the red dress. Your bf did not say he thought you looked fat before, it was the voice in YOUR head that said that. Your bf was trying to pay you a compliment to make you feel good!

I don't think you need to be ashamed or embarassed about your bladder issue. I think you should just tell people you have a weak bladder because nobody would mind. If they DID mind you could cross them off the friend list as they wouldn't be worth knowing anyway would they?

Please don't fantasise about hurting yourself or think about dieting again. You have already lost tons of weight and being a size six really isn't healthy (I know how tiny you must be because my sister is the same height as you).

You said "I know no one thinks I'm a bad person or unfriendly, because I am never unfriendly and I don't think I do immoral things, it's more that I think everyone will think I'm plain/dull/frumpy/loser". Do you not see that it's YOU that thinks those things about you and not other people? If you really feel that way about yourself then why not do something to try to change it? If you think you are plain, get a new hair style and wear some makeup (it doesn't have to be much, it can be a sweep of blusher on your cheeks and a slick of lip gloss). Buy yourself some new clothes and walk with your head held high. If you think you are dull, get a new hobby or read up on new subjects so you have interesting things to talk about. Plan a romantic night with your bf, watch a movie, plan a romantic dinner together and try something new in the bedroom (I think we discussed that before ).

Anyway, you went out with your bf and had a night out with friends, you got dressed up and you tried your best to be social when you weren't really feeling up to it. That is an achievement and you should try to think of it that way. Well done.

[harasgenster]

Anyway, you went out with your bf and had a night out with friends, you got dressed up and you tried your best to be social when you weren't really feeling up to it. That is an achievement and you should try to think of it that way. Well done.

Thanks for all the wonderful support again and THANKS FOR THIS!!!! I hadn't even thought of looking at it that way!! My boyfriend at one point said he didn't mind making an excuse and we could go home, but I HATE being rude and said we were going to stay until they were ready for us to leave. So I actually did quite well there!

Also finally spoke to my boyfriend about it last night because I'd been very depressed all day and he was getting very worried. When the girl he used to fancy was mentioned (they were talking about her living with her new boyfriend) he went very quiet and looked really shell-shocked and depressed. I was trying to tell myself it was because he was worried about me, but to be honest it looked more like he was really upset this other girl had a boyfriend now. I explained that and he said it was partly worry for me and partly because it did hurt when they told him that. I was ready for this, believing that he wanted to be with her, and tried to explain I wasn't upset (though I actually was!) and that it was natural to feel that way. Half way through my little speech he suddenly realised what I was getting at and went: "no, no, no! You've got completely the wrong idea! I couldn't give a toss what she's doing now, it's just because I decided I'd never think about that time in my life again and when they brought it up I got a bit of knock. It reminded me how painful it was to be rejected. But I'm glad I didn't go out with her because then I might not have met you, and you're miles better."

I hadn't even thought of looking at it this way. I try not to ask my boyfriend about the past because I will get upset, but in this case it was good I asked him his thoughts, because I would have just carried on thinking he was upset that she had a new boyfriend

[macc noodle]

Well hun, you appear to truly have a lovely bf - who is sensitive and caring and thoughtful (lucky you!)

Isn't it fantastic when we get the wrong end of the stick and suddenly realise how wrong we were and how good things are?

Have a great day xx

[harasgenster]

Thanks Macc Noodle
Yes, it felt great last night (sort of). I'm very, very good at arguing against anything positive. I've had so much practise! I felt myself starting to find arguments even as we were chatting last night and tried to shoo them away but they've popped back up this morning. It's like there's two people in my head:

Voice 1: "I understand how he must have felt when they brought up that girl. I've felt that before"

Voice 2: "Yes, but only when you were actually still in love with the person, never about someone you were not still in love with. You don't care when you're exes get married, so why would he be upset just to hear about this girl?"

Voice 1: "Yes, but people are different and he deals with his emotions in a VERY different way to you. Plus he told you he prefers you and doesn't think it ever would have worked out with this girl. That she wasn't who he thought she was."

Voice 2: "Yes, but it is well-known and evidenced that my bf does not know how he feels half of the time and is confused by his emotions. He really has no idea how he feels about this girl, but he is a good person and wants to do the right thing by me..."

On and on and on. I can't stop doing it, I just tear apart all my good work! Think it's partly because I need to be ready for the worst so I'm not vulnerable (although this attitude is harmful and has led me to dump people I loved in the past just so that I didn't have to keep waiting for them to dump me). I keep feeling slightly, and oddly, relieved when I think maybe he likes this girl. I fantasise about them getting together. It hurts but it also feels like closure. It feels like the tension is over and the balance has been restored! I actually feel like I should help him get with this girl! My mind DOES NOT make sense. EVER!!!

Basically, I think I need to start writing down all of the helpful things people say to me. Not just read them again but actually write them down. When someone is there telling me good things, I feel better, but I just slip as soon as they're not there anymore and I can't quite remember how they said it to convince me!

My Mam had a great idea last night. I'm still very angry about my past, which is where a lot of self-esteem issues have come from (we think we know exactly why I feel the way I do through a bunch of events that happened). She said I should try to realise that the bad things that have happened to me have shaped me into a good person and that if they hadn't have happened then, I wouldn't have learned valuable lessons, which have prevented me from making the same mistakes. She taught me to put a positive spin on the past, which is helping. I just need to start applying the positive spin on the present as well and realise that I am not inevitably useless. Thanks for the advice about make-up again Shoegal, but in this case I'm more referring to my personality when I say I feel plain/boring. Haven't got any time for any more hobbies I'm afraid! Besides, I don't like talking about them because if my bf tries to get me to tell someone about my hobbies - and I've sort of achieved a lot in this arena - I get very embarrassed because I feel like they might think I'm arrogant if I admit I'm doing well or have found myself to be good at things. So, basically, I'm doing a lot of interesting things and have plenty to talk about but I don't want to talk about it! I don't help myself, do I?! Grrrr!