Right. I quit smoking today. I immediately felt really depressed and I didn't want to eat (which kind of makes sense because I first started smoking because I thought it might act as a displacement activity because I was a compulsive eater at the time - thought I could replace one addiction for another). Fell asleep and woke up because we had to go to this meal at my bf's friends' house.
Several reasons I didn't want to go:
1) Hate meeting new people (v.shy)
2) These guys know someone I work with (but I work at home) - extra incentive to make a good impression
3) This couple met through my bf's ex (they could compare me to her)
4) This couple are good friends with another girl that bf was obsessed with (another comparison)
5) They have a kid. Always worried I will hurt child or even sexually abuse them! Or say something offensive and make parents upset.
What happened:
1) Loads of conversations about girl bf used to be besotted with - what she's doing now etc (must have felt sorry for bf going out with me because they knew other girls. Felt really embarrassed).
2) I was wearing a red dress I wore last summer. Had last summer asked my bf which dress I should wear to a night out - this red one or black one. He said black one, which I presumed meant I looked fat in the red one. Realised that was stuped and forgot about it for a while. Wore red one tonight. Bf says: Is that the same dress you wore last summer? I say yes. He smiles proudly and says "you've lost a lot of weight". The dress is size 6. When we met I was size 8 (I'm 5"4). Made me feel like I was too fat when we first met and he didn't want me to wear the red dress because he was embarrassed to go out with a fat girl. Eventually explained this later and he said he only thought it was a good thing I'd lost weight because I always talk about it, not because he wanted me to be thinner. He had meant it as a compliment. Still felt awful.
3) Bladder playing up. On my period. Always much worse on my period. Had to go to the toilet four times in a few hours. Really embarrassing!
What I did:
1) excused myself to the bathroom to cry a few times
2) Very worried all the time that I don't talk enough and people may take offence so I always smile LOADS to show I am grateful and appreciative and enjoying myself. Did this tonight but heard my voice cracking where I was on the verge of tears and worried they noticed. Bf said he didn't notice. Still worried they might have, though.
On way back, felt really down. Fantasised about all the ways I'd like to cut/harm myself. I do this a lot but I haven't self harmed since I was 14 and don't think I'd do it again because I now understand that it hurts the people I love more than it hurts me.
This is just a rant. Sorry. I don't know what to do. I feel absolutely terrible. I'm smoking again now, which has taken the edge off, but feel awful. I'm not suicidal but I keep thinking I want to die (if that makes sense!) I do this a lot. I want to be just gone - extinguished - I don't want to deal with this anymore, but at the same time I don't actually want to die.
Sorry. Just a rant. Not sure anyone can help, I just needed to write it down!