Hi
I have posted here so much recently and it's always about the same thing. It's always my self-esteem that is the problem. It's now affecting my relationship and it's making my wonderful bf unhappy, which just gives me extra incentive to get better. Also, I have had wonderful support here and I want to take everyone's advice and try very hard to follow it so that you don't just have to keep telling me the same thing over and over again!
I've done a lot of CBT this morning. I've made a spreadsheet and used a self-help book to do a lot of exercises. But I have hit a major barrier.
Most of my thoughts boil down, at some point, to me thinking "I must not lose sight of my failings. To do so would be to never improve". I'm scared to be "blissfully ignorant". I feel that if I was happy I would remain inferior and because I was happy I wouldn't do anything about it. It's like I think my depression will protect me from ever becoming a bad person or ever allowing things to slip. Because of this, I'm not engaging with the therapy. I don't want to believe any positive things about myself because if I let go of that control - of always trying to be acutely aware of my flaws - I may not be able to moderate myself and perhaps I will always be inferior to others, while if I am aware of my failings I have the chance to improve and then there's hope that one day I will not be inferior.
Does this make sense? It's a similar feeling to what I had with eating disorders. You don't want to be ill but you don't want to get better, because if you do your worst fears will come true - you will put on weight. Unfortunately, now mostly recovered, I actually do sometimes wish I was still ill because I want to be underweight again, which doesn't make me feel much better about the whole blissful ignorance thing!
Has anyone hit this snag and can you think of anyway around it? I don't want to just continue being ill and worrying the people around me.
Thanks