Hello all, this will be my first thread and I feel quite uncomfortable about what to say. I'm twenty years old, I first started experiencing panic attacks when I was seventeen. My first were around my girlfriend's parents - I had some really terrible experiences when I was invited to dinner. Quite quickly I started avoiding them (before I really understood panic). At its worst point I was eating very little, I wouldn't be able to eat around anybody I wasn't comfortable with. There was a point where I couldn't even sit at the table with my family. Fortunately I think I'm gradually beginning to overcome that, but I still panic at the idea of eating out, or even at a friend's or relative's.
However, my real anxiety my fear of travelling. I haven't taken the bus or train for I think over two years now, I'm so terrified to! The last time I took the train was quite a short journey, but I had such a bad panic - I spent a good amount of time after reaching our destination standing over the toilet gagging. The last time I tried to take the bus was a few months ago. The day before I felt like I could do it, but in the morning I felt petrified - I got in such a panic that I had to confess to my friend why I couldn't go, and had him lie to my other friends for me.
Now I'm able to leave the house with only a little anxiety, but I get quite anxious in any place I'm not familiar with. If I'm somehow trapped somewhere (e.g. where something's expected of me) then I can have a full panic attack. The idea home terrifies me. I've been avoiding any kind of holidays since this started - I barely ever feel as though I can leave the town. I've only done so in the past few years with my parents, and even then I've panicked.
Right now, I feel fairly optimistic that I'm going to get over this, in time (but how I feel about it obviously depends a lot of my current mood). But the problem that's facing me now is university. I've been offered a few places. I originally planned on going away - I was supposed to have spent the last two years getting over my phobias so that I could go away, but if anything my fear of leaving home has increased. There's recently been built a university at my home town, to which I've also been offered a place. The course there is good, though not quite as ideal as the one I've been offered elsewhere. I visited there a few months ago and was surprised to see how nice it was. It's quite a bit smaller than most other universities, which obviously I find more comforting and probably better suits my personality.
So my dilemma is, do I stay or do I go? Since visiting it, I've been getting used to the idea of staying in my home town, and it's made me a lot calmer generally. Previously I'd wake up calm enough, then remember that I have to go away in few months and be worried, in a state of constant panic throughout the day and be unable to concentrate on anything. Of course, the idea of going to university at home worries me too - the fear of being trapped in classes etc., but the excitement of finally being able to study again seems to override that anxiety, which it doesn't when I think of going away. At the same time, I worry that if I stay at home I'll be holding myself back, that I'll be letting fear control me, that I'll never leave home and that I'll never get over my phobia. But I don't want to do the more scary thing if it's not going to help - as I am now I'd absolutely refuse to get in the car, let alone the bus or train. Also, I like to think that if I stay at home and study hard I can do my best to boost my confidence and maybe go away and study as a postgraduate.
At least I think, now, that either choice I make will be progressive - either way I'll be leaving my comfort zone and I really want to get back into education, instead of applying to jobs that scare me.
I'm sorry this post was very long. If you've read it then thank you, and please, any advice would be really great!
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