Hi there,
I have been having a difficult couple of weeks and am hoping I can gain some insight and support through this forum and perhaps give something back to others once recovered (forever the optimist)
I wasn't really aware that I had been suffering from anxiety or depression, but looking back now it is clear that I was experiencing some of the symptoms.
Although I have had a fairly difficult childhood and upbringing, e.g. domestic violence, the death of my parents etc I have always considered myself quite "together", I have always been outgoing and confident and wouldn't consider myself introverted, although I have always been analytical and thoughtful in nature. Trying to understand everything and everyone. I guess my mantra is and was "a life unexamined, is a life not worth living"
In retrospect, I've been having a tough couple of years, bereavement, terminal boredom at work, health problems and a general quarter life crisis. My girlfriend has also been working away for 7 months and I spend much of my time working alone at home, i've also isolated myself from a number of friendships and becoming increasingly withdrawn. I thought this was down to outgrowing certain friendships, but I now realise this may have been due to depression/anxiety. I have also been becoming increasingly insecure, which is an odd feeling for me, as I never really gave much though to what others thought of me and I almost had a superiority complex I guess
I have to say I don't ever recall having a panic attack, nor do I recall experiencing social anxiety. In fact I used to enjoy putting myself in situations that I found uncomfortable to test myself.
Anyway, two weeks ago I rather foolishly went on a bit of bender, mostly through boredom. I am not and never have been a habitual drug user, although I did use disassociative drugs over this weekend for the first time in almost two years..
I woke up on the Monday morning, feeling completely detached from reality, like I was looking at the world through a thick piece of glass, or that my brain was in jar. I felt numb, disconnected and that my cognitive functions had been impaired.
I felt emotionally exhausted (I had been obsessing/analysing my relationship with my girlfriend for months and had not been taking particularly good care of myself)
I immediately thought I had caused myself some permanent brain damage through the drug/alcohol consumption and began worrying that I had caused myself long term mental illness. My father was a schizophrenic and committed suicide as a result of it, so this compounded my fear of mental illness. This went on for a couple of days and I really did worry myself sick. Carrying out memory tests and trying to assess the amount of damage I caused.
I was worrying about my ability to continue at my job, I was also concerned that being so emotionally blunted I would not be able to sustain a relationship with my girlfriend when she returns home next month. I felt like I had no emotions towards her and couldn't feel love or desire, which was so bizarre considering the strong emotions I had been feeling incessantly for her over recent months.
After alot of googgling, I rapidly came to the conclusion that I was suffering from depersonalisation/derealisation caused by anxiety. I haven't been experiencing paranoia (no more than normal anyway ha), I haven't been delusional and I am aware that this is not a normal state. Which suggests that this isn't a psychotic episode or schizophrenia.
I believe this 100% to be true, there are no lingering doubts that I have brain damage or anything like that. I have all the symptoms of anxiety and everything adds up.
I understand from some brief research online that the key with depersonalisation and anxiety is distraction and relaxation. e.g. lead a healthy and active life style, eat a good diet, take lots of exercise and keep your mind busy. Your mind is tired, let it wash over you and give it a little wink and a smile when it is at it's worse and so on.
So since then i've been eating better, haven't had a coffee, haven't sniffed a beer, have spent £60 on no doubt useless, overpriced and ineffective brain (Vitamin B, Omega 3 etc) pills from Holland and Barrett. I've been exercising and getting 8-10hrs sleep a night. (First few nights were awful, dreadful night terrors and sleep paralysis). I also spent several hours in an extended sobbing fit which came out of nowhere??
The depersonalisation has been 24/7 and I have had no respite. The thing is i'm not sure what I am bloody anxious about and why it isn't improving, it's been two weeks now. The worst things are the depth of field visual issues as it's a constant reminder that something is not right..
I've been going out, putting myself in awkward social situations, I've been racing my motorbike around just to prove that I still can.. I could get naked paint my bottom pink, stick a chicken on my head and walk into a nightclub and would feel no social anxiety...
I guess I am here to ask is it possible to have depersonalisation without anxiety & panic attacks?? Has anyone experienced that?
Although looking at it logically my anxiety has been increased slowly over recent months and I think I am now anxious that this depersonalisation will continue indefinitely and impact on my relationships, intellectual capacity and quality of life! So I am still experiencing anxiety.. Answered that one myself ha...
I haven't been to the doctor, primarily because you only get a 6 minute window with the GP these days and he will...
1) Confirm that I am suffering from anxiety and depersonalisation.
2) Offer to prescribe me an SSRI (I really don't want to go down the drugs route, no disrespect to those that do, but I feel it would just be masking my symptoms and when I have taken them in the past I feel like a zombie without absolutely little interest in life and I loose the ability to orgasm, no thank you Mr Pharmaceutical)
3) Perhaps put me on a waiting list for CBT, which I would need a telescope to see the end of. When I did get an appointment, I'd get 6hrs worth, a CD-ROM and a sheet to list negative thought patterns and advice on positive thinking. I'd probably be better of with self help books I reckon..
Apologies for the ramble...
But can you guys see anything i'm not doing that I should be, should I go to the GP and get checked out? Am I being naive and myopic in dismissing SSRI's off hand? Have any of you had success with them? What have you guys done to beat this horrible sensation?
One thing this has taught me, is empathy. I really didn't realise how powerful the mind was, nor how disabling and truly terrifying this stuff can be.
Also I guess I see this as a wake up call. I do have issues I haven't dealt with and I do need to make a series of life changes. Perhaps if I can work through this, I will come out a stronger, more emotionally intelligent person. We can but hope..
Anyway, any help, advice or positive stories you could give would be much appreciated.Because this isn't getting better, today it feels worse and I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about it. I want to get my life back so I can become a better partner, future father and ultimately a better human being..
I worry that being unable to not think about it will compound matters, also the paradox of the "Anxiety Forum", acknowledging the anxiety and depersonalisation, joining a forum, researching it and giving time to think about it will probably only make it worse will it not.. Gaaaaahhhhhhhh....
Ha.
Reply With Quote
