Hi I'm Laura

[Aurora86]

Hi all,

I'm new to this website so just wanted to say hello and hopefully make some friends to relate to.

I feel that I have a lot of problems and have had them for as long as I can remember, but 'under the surface,' and up until recently I had managed to keep afloat.

Although I am able to relate to one or two close people in my life, including my boyfriend, I've come to understand that i have some sort of social anxiety. I've always been very shy, and people comment on how quiet I am when they first meet me. It takes me a long time to trust people enough to talk openly with them. Sometimes I don't talk much even though I can think of things to say, as I feel that what I say will not be listened to anyway, or regarded as stupid or boring. Other times, I simply am lost for words, and cannot think of anything to say. In social 'one-to-one' situations I tend to try to initiate questions so that the other person will do most of the talking. In group situations, I barely speak, and feel awkward and as if it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. I find it very hard to look anyone in the eye.

This aspect of my character had always got to me, but it came to a head at a recent social event when I heard 2 aquaintances talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear. They were saying how 'rude' I was. Ever since then, all I can think is that everyone sees me as rude or stuck-up rather than shy. I know that deep down I am a good person, and I never wish bad things on anyone. Does it make me a bad person because I can't always articulate my feelings and thoughts out loud?

My main problem right now is I am a very nervous person, and very conscientious. This has usually been a merit during my studies and at work (I'm 25 now, and graduated from uni a few years ago and have been working since). However, over the last few months, I developed an almost obsessional anxiety at work, with regards to making mistakes. I work in the public sector, so the work I do directly affects other people. I am not so much scared that if I make a mistake I'll be fired, but frightened of negatively affecting someone else's life. I started obsessively checking everything I did, and would come home and panic because I'd get scared that I'd done something wrong, e.g. sending an email to the wrong address. I thought this was a work-load issue, but once things quietened down and I was still getting as panicky as ever, I realised something wasn't right. My b/f begged me to go to the doctor, as although I hid my fears at work, I would come home each night and get in a terrible state, as my brain would create new scenarios to worry about.

I did see a doctor, who gave general advice on anxiety. I told him I didn't want time off work, as I didn't want to reveal my illness to anyone, and thought I'd probably get more panicky about going back to work if I had time off. However, things came to a head when I had a massive panic attack on the way to work the other week. I felt like I was out of control, so asked to be signed off work. Now everyone at work knows about my anxiety issue. I have one close friend who has been supportive, but I saw another friend/work colleague yesterday who said she was upset I hadn't told her how I was feeling. Now I feel awful that I have hurt someone's feelings. But I was too ashamed to tell anyone how I felt, and I hoped it would go away.

I know I need to go back to work in a week or so, but am so scared of having to talk to my manager about whats been happening. The truth is that although my panic was work-focussed to begin with, as work was the place I was the most , everything scares and stresses me out still, even though I'm not at work.I worry about food contamination as I'm scared of being sick, I worry that I've forgotten to take my contraceptive pill, so check my pills in my handbag several times day, and I worry about leaving things plugged in/doors unlocked when I leave the house.

I shouldn't be scared or depressed, as I have a wonderful boyfriend and a lovely house. But I can't help feelings so fearful about everything. I hate myself for what I'm doing to myself and my boyfriend.

Can anyone offer any words of advice? xx

[nomorepanic]

Hi Aurora86

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[panicangel]

Hi Laura

Just read your thread and understand exactly what you are going through, I have just joined the forums after being at the doctor for social anxiety and he recommeded this site for self help so you have come to the right place.

My work is also a major problem in my life as far as anxiety is concerned it is a bit of a vicious circle for me as I can panic for days and then reaches high anxiety when there is hours before going to work and I start to get cold and tremble and start going over in my head if I have done everthing that is expected of me, I calm slightly once I am there but if something/someone sets me off I can suffer all day and do not eat or drink anything until the safety of home. Not sure if you suffer the same as me but when I am at work I worry about my house and family and if they are all okay.

I would not worry to much about what people will think about your condition at work, as most people are to wrapped up in there own problems for them to worry about what your going through, a few people know I have anxiety problems at work and I am labeled as the shy/nervy one.

Probably not much help but you are not alone.

Take care
Panicangel

[Aurora86]

Hi Panicangel,

Thank you for your reply. I know what you mean. Once I leave work I go over everything I've done during the day (in my head), and it is as if my brain is searching out ways to make me panic. Out of the blue, I will suddenly think of new things to worry about, and I get into a state at home because I just want to go back to work to check!

That 'sunday evening' feeling has been getting increasingly worse.

I've recently moved in with my partner. I have been waiting to do this for a long time and was so happy to do so, so this is not a cause of stress. However, it has added a new dimension onto my anxiety, as I too worry about the house when I'm away from it.

I'm beginning to feel that once I rationalise my worries and fears (I'm currently reading a book about overcoming anxiety that has CBT techniques in it - but am aware that I will need more than self-help to get through this probably), I am still scared, because it is the fear which I fear. I don't know if that makes any sense, but just before getting signed off, I was getting feelings of dread about the bad/obsessional thoughts coming into my head, rather than the thoughts themselves. I'm scared of the way my brain plays tricks on me.

What treatments/coping strategies have you tried?
Laura xx

[margaret jones]

Hi to this fantastic site you will get lots of help and advice so dont ever feel alone . When you are able to come into chat and you will surley meet people there who will be happy to help you . Take Care xx

[panicangel]

Hi Laura

Yeah I defo think we suffer from the same kind of anxiety, I have that Sunday dread feeling most nights of the week! The self help books are really good, I am sure I have read that one you are reading and found it quite useful.

I have had CBT in the past and I found it helpful while I was going every week but once my sessions came to an end and I was on my own I found all that I learnt was difficult to sustain on a daily basis and missed having that one to one with someone who understood what you were going through every week.

I cope now with the help of my very supportive husband and my self help books ( I have them all!!!) oh and this site now. I have very bad days and really good days where I feel like a normal person (whatever normal is?) and think I will be fine, then life gets in the way and a social event comes up or work demands me to do something I am not confident doing or plans change at the last minute and I do not cope well with change, so I completely understand you moving in with your partner is a good thing but it is change and change good or bad can cause anxious feelings.

Have you ever thought of antidepressants? It is a road I have always toyed about in my darkest days where I cannot cope with these feelings any longer and cannot keep having days of not eating through sheer fear, but have never done it as not sure if it is the answer for me.

Take Care
Panicangel x

[Elen]

Hi Laura

Like the others I can totally relate to what you are saying. So far I have managed to keep working but it has been a struggle.

Although I am going to work I am finding it nearly impossible to do the things outside of work that I normally enjoy.

I am not in much of a position to offer advice but has your doctor suggested councelling?

[Aurora86]

Panicangel - I think that some one-to-one CBT sessions might be a good idea for me, as doing self-help books on my own takes motivation that I don't seem to have much of at the moment.

You are very lucky to have a supportive partner - mine is really supportive too, but I feel increasingly insecure that he doesn't deserve what I'm putting him through. I don't feel myself anymore, and I'm very conscious that I'm not the same person he fell for several years ago - but maybe (hopefully!) I will begin feeling more like 'me' one day again.

I initally said to the doc that I didn't want meds - but then again, I also said I didn't want to be signed off, and now look at me! I think I'll do a bit of research on this site about the different types. I don't know what I'd need - my first reaction would be something to calm me down anxiety-wise, but the anxiety has caused me to become very depressive also, so maybe anti-depressants are what I need.

I've previously shyed away from meds because I kind of worried they would cover up the problem rather than get to the root of it. However, I think I maybe now do need some sort of crutch to give me the momentum to try to get better. Right now, I feel too depressed to really try.


Elen - It is good to hear from another poster, and I'm sorry you're feeling bad at the moment. Doc has previously only recommended self-help. I think maybe he sees my symptoms as a reaction to work stress, but it's becoming clear that my anxiety is a lot more ingrained than that, so simply taking time off work hasn't changed anything much. I've got another appointment next week, so I'll bring up the options of meds and counselling/cbt.
I understand what you mean about not wanting to do stuff outside/after work. Coping at work has been zapping all my energy - I would come home and feel too mentally exhausted to do anything. I literally lived for work, which is awful, I know.

It is comforting to know that I'm not alone. Hopefully we can all help eachother through these tough times.

Laura x

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi and welcome to NMP
Paige x