Hello all, this is my first post to this forum and I'm hoping someone can help me out and provide a little reassurance.
I'm in my late 20s. I was born in England and moved to Canada when I was about 7 with my mother and grandparents on her side. I never knew my dad.
I was very close to my family. We were happy, there was lots of love between us and my Grandpa was better than any dad I could ask for.
Since my early years in school I was bullied and teased to no end by the other kids. It was never physical, was never in a fight, but the teasing and tormenting persisted for years. A couple of school changes in attempt to curtail the bullying helped little.
Teachers did very little to stop the bullies and it wasn't until about Grade 10 (12 grades here in Canada) that it stopped when the other students were finally worried about their own grades. But sadly the damage was already done.
Just like growing up learning English, I grew up learning to never trust my peers. I learned to become extremely self-conscious, always worried that people were judging me. I withdrew, made very few friends and struggled to complete school, although I did graduate with the rest of my class.
During all this bullying my mother was diagnosed with Asthma. After a year of asthma treatment that failed to work the doctors clued in and determined it was lung cancer. I basically spent two years watching her die. I was 11 when she died.
After spending a few years in foster care during which time my grandpa passed away, I moved back with my grandma. It wasn't but two years later that she died. I was working at a local store and shortly after she died I was let go. The boss wouldn't explain why, but I figured the secretary didn't like me and was setting me up. I won the wrongful dismissal suit and was awarded a few months wages. This was in 2002.
Since then I have had my own small business which I had to close after a couple of years and I have worked for a few other small stores, all of which ended with a layoff due to lack of business.
It was a bumpy ride. Just as I'd settle into one job it seemed like it ended.
I attempted to get some counselling but I didn't seem to get anywhere with it. Just not the right fit I suppose.
After a few months of searching for work I finally found a job I thought I would like at a decent wage. 5 months in I suspected that some of the used products I was asked to sell were stolen. For someone who holds honesty and integrity very highly, this was very stressful for me. Again, since business was slow I had my hours cut then I was let go.
During this time I was feeling some very bad dizziness and balance issues which has persisted off and on for close to a year to this date. It's causing me great concern but so far the scans and tests have come up clean.
I've never received any effective grief counselling, never dealt with my anxiety and still let my anxiety control most aspects of my life. I'm anxious around my friends, I'm anxious around my family (my former foster parents) and because of all the bullying in my past I constantly fear that even my friends are judging me.
I know a lot of my fears and phobias are irrational, but I don't know how to put them behind me. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to. So many of my fears of being judged were learned at a young age and I compare it to learning your native tongue when you grow up. You grow up with it and it shapes you. It becomes part of you and you use it every day. You can't un-learn English and I fear that I won't be able to un-learn my phobias.
What do you think about the idea that my dizziness problems are caused by my untreated, long-running anxiety problems? Any tips on how to deal with this? I really can't afford counselling at the moment so I need to try and push through this so I can get on with my life.
Thanks for reading.
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