Wishing I could erase or learn to live with some of my memories

[On The Outside]

I don't know what to do anymore about trying to move forward with my life as I always end up back in the same place. I have almost no confidence, very low self esteem and am very lonely. I struggle to find friends online and have little option of meeting people when I'm out since I have a severe social phobia. Following a very upsetting experience recently I'm now resigned to thinking that I'll never find love and have given up.

All I want to do now is try to get through each day as best as I can without any more heartache and depressing, intrusive thoughts, most of which come about due to some memory and association my brain makes.

I've always had a very good memory and sometimes it causes great upset. I think of it almost like Google or similar search engines! I only have ro hear someone say a word or have my other senses aroused and suddenly I'm taken back to something that has nothing to do with the current situation. I went through a time of embracing my ability to remember things but now I absolutely hate it. The memories affect me emotionally a lot of the time due to me being so sensitive. Sometimes I get angry, sometimes very upset but usually end up dwelling on whatever has just entered my mind.

I'm not on any tablets now and am reluctant to see a doctor as they've never done much for me. I've already been through the process of seeing counsellors, therapists, psychiatrists etc so don't really want to go through that again (though i's not helped that those I saw were never particularly good or helpful).

If it wasn't for all the sad and bitter memories I have I might still have a few friends left. I've recently realised that maybe my compulsion to talk about the past and people who bullied me, used me etc has put people off me (though it could be for other reasons). Which has led me to think that the memories and dwelling on them, reopening old wounds etc are my real problem. I've never truly been able to let go of anything and if there was some way I could then maybe I would be happier within myself and look forward to doing more with my life.

The last few weeks have been the worst I've been through in a very long time. With few people to talk to, I've constantly analysed things I might have said to people or that they said and gone over and over them in my mind trying to search for logical answers and find reasons for things that have maybe been misunderstandings. But I've got nowhere and am just completely stuck in a rut wishing I could clear all the bad stuff out of my head and start again.

[WillyB]

Hi there, i'm sorry you are having a rough time. I am quite similar in respect to remembering things i dont want to, even one word or sight can set me off and i disappear into thoughts of the past. They are often embarrassing or sad memories which make me feel really uncomfortable and i usually make some odd noise or strange physical tick when i think about them. You say you've been to doctors and through therapy ect, but i dont think you've found the right doctor or therapist. Doctors can be a lot of help and therapists more so. From what you've said, CBT (cognitive Behaviour Therapy) sprung to mind and really think it could help you.

[kruckid]

I have exactly the same issues.. cbt helped me a little bit with intrusive thoughts maybe you should consider that.. hope all is well

[sheepster]

Hi there my friend im struggling with images of things i saw whilst on a RNLI Lifeboat for 12yrs and 1 old lady in particular that we could not save or retreive from where she was jammed on the waters edge and a putting it very very politely was grabbed on the way home from school by a sexual pervert but thankfully nothing happened as i fought free and by chance a police car drove pass , i was only 11 , these things are now starting to haunt me and ive just finished a time with a therapist and CBT and it seems to be working , i think you have not possibly found the right one for you always worth a retry i hope for you , sometimes we have to look several times to find the right person my thoughts to you my friend at this horrible time i hope you get through it kk

[Anxious_gal]

when it comes to social anxiety it takes practice and with practice you gain confidence, it's called exposure therapy.
You need to be willing to do that in order to get better.
That pretty much goes for every anxiety disorder and phobia.

Maybe someone here lives near you, or you could attend a group get together?
you need someone you can practice socializing with, someone who will point out if you are doing anything that confuses people or if you are coming across in the wrong way.

Nervous people can come across as, shy or rude or cold.
Also you can't be too nice, you need to have your own opinions and not be afraid to speak your mind.

You need to show passion about your interests, that always warms people up to you.
be it an interest in art or video games or music or writing.

You need to not take things personally, that can be hard for people with social anxiety as they can often be hyper sensitive, which is fine as long as you don't go over board with feeling wronged and offended

You need to be able to laugh at yourself but without putting yourself down, a prime example would be an overweight person making jokes about their own weight but in a negative way, it just shows their insecurity and it's not nice to be so mean to yourself.

You should make a goal of talking to a person every day, be it the checkout girl or anyone who works in a shop as they are easy to talk to.
Try talking to people, about the weather, anything at all.
There's lots of opportunities to talk to people.
Go to a new town and ask a passer by for directions.
even small talk can increase your confidence.

Don't let one person being mean affect you too much, the world is full of not so nice people, it's not you it's them with the issues.

I know doctors and therapy didn't help but they are so many other things you can try before you even consider giving up.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you really do have the power to change your life for the better

[LaNae]

You said about starting again- why not give it a go? Try studying something new, working somewhere else or even helping out somewhere in voluntary work to get a new perspective on life and meet new people.

Every time something comes up you don't want to think about, switch your attention to something that makes you feel good (or just neutral). Imagine yourself just 'pulling the plug' on the old thought and switching your attention. I really do think you mustn't dwell. Every time you analyse the past you're just bringing it back up into the present. You might want to look into trying a local Buddhist group- it's not a religion with gods (unless you want it to be), it's a philosophy, or rather, a way to train your mind to get less 'stuck'. I found it so helpful.

Also/instead, try reading 'stop thinking, start living' book on Amazon. It really helped me. Write a list of things that make you feel better, even if it's something very simple like a TV programme, a bath with Radox, a cup of tea and a particular biscuit. Renewing your mind can seem like a major task, so instead deal with the little everyday things. Treat yourself. Feel like you like yourself again.

And remember- everyone on this planet has issues. The prettiest, most confident girl you can see has a whole lot more going on in her life than you'd realise. We're all ducks and swans on the surface and madly peddling feet underneath. There's nothing wrong with you. All you need to do is stop dwelling on the negatives and give yourself a chance to feel better again. xxx