Awaiting CBT & signed off work with bereavement issues and health anxiety

[TKakes]

Hi. I'm 28 and should be happy.
I've always suffered from anxious, irrational behaviour and thoughts from about the age of nine; earthquakes, bombs, cholking etc..these feelings have laid dormant and sometimes reared their ugly head when i've least expected them to, yet manifested in always a 'new' form: spaced out, struggling for a deep breath etc

In the last five years i suffered from chronic Ulcerative Colitis (UC) and had a temporary Ilieostomy (stoma). In the 18 months i had my stoma, my partner of 7 years left me for someone else. I coped seemingly well and threw myself into socialising and meeting other people, started my training (to work as a theatre practitioner) and had a reversal of the stoma. So, three major operations in two years.

The last three years have been the happiest and also the saddest of my life. I met my fiance', qualified and am planning my wedding happily, we've moved house to an area we love and are both content and reasonably financially comfortable. My beloved Father suddenly passed away last year from a brain haemorrhage. It seems as if i put my bereavement on the back burner without realising it. I have no idea how one is 'supposed' to cope with losing a parent so young and so suddenly. I carried on working (being newely qualified and 'grateful' to be employed in these hard economic times, i felt i had to prove to my employers i was resiliant...it's pretty cut throat/competitive...) and thought i must be doing pretty well. Took time off to move house a month ago and upon going back to work i found i was spaced out everyday, a feeling of not being there..really scary. This was also accompanied by a return of my popping ears and pressure changes...arghh too much. I carried on trying to work but ended up in A&E one night after work, literally convinced i was going to have a heart attack or some sudden, terrible death. I was reassured (temporarily) that i had 'sterling' health...however, i couldn't forget the chest pain and inability to get a breath and dizziness! I carried on trying to work but a few times my fiance' had to collect me from work (40minutes drive) as i just felt so out of it (very long shifts actually).

I've now been signed off for two weeks but still feel pretty bad. I'm teriffied my life is spiraling out of control....in the last few days i've really dwelt on the cause of my father's dealth and now my symptoms are replicating a stroke...but, i literally feel pulsating in my head and am getting headaches and pressure. I've made an appointment with my GP to request a brain scan and am awaitng CBT. Everyone keeps telling me to relax and that it's all in my head...But, how can i when it feels so REAL.
Sorry for the flow of this post, i have tried to keep it brief but detail the fundamental things i think could be contributing to these feelings.

Tried Citalopram but couldn't bare the side effects. Have come off the pill as DVT and Pulmonary Embolism fears kept occuring. I want to believe it's anxiety making me feel like this but i keep thinking: why am i ignoring all these terrible symptoms? I also know my Father used to suffer from these anxious feeings all his life, but then he DID pass away...I feel so pathetic and hopeless and that i'm wasting my life away.

[diane07]

Hi TKakes

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[PixieL]

TKakes, you'll get loads of help here

[ElizabethJane]

Hi Tkakes and welcome. I am recently bereaved too. My own Father died in April. There are many physical and emotional issues to deal with associated with a death. All the physical symptoms you are experiencing are perfectly normal and unique to you and your situation and are all part of the grieving process. I also lost my Mum at a young age. She was sixty one and I was twenty six. After she died I experienced tightening in my throat and felt unable to swallow. She died from MND. I also had breathing difficulties later diagnosed as asthma. You are wise to get any physical symptoms you are experiencing checked out. It might be anxiety but for peace of mind it would be wise to be checked out all the same. When someone we love, dies young there can be a period of disbelief and then sometimes anger and wanting to blame someone for their untimely death. All this is normal. you have been through a lot healthwise and relationshipwise so to taking some time out for yourself might be a good thing. My Fathers death is still very raw it is only a month and we have only just had the funeral. If you can allow others to support you then do. Draw from their strengths and offers of help. EJ.

[TKakes]

Thank you EJ.
TKakes :-D