Hello. This is my first post. I am 18 years old, I have been suffering from Agoraphobia and depression since I was 15 years old, it started when I was in high school, It started out with panic attacks and mild depression and quickly developed into agorophobia. My doctor put me on antidepressants at 15 (at the time I didn't know what they were)I stopped attending school at 15 an with the help of the school i was given a tutor for an hour three times a week. I failed at my exams because of this.
When I reached 16 years old I became completely housebound, leaving only for the doctors. I stopped taking my medication as i simply didn't go to the doctors. I sleep odd hours, I have done since I started with this, I am usually awake at night and asleep in the day because of my anxiety. I feel more comfertable in the night. I have tried sorting my sleeping patterns out but they just go back.
When I was 17 I started recieving benifits. I have no friends anymore (So called, can't even be asked to give the occasional phone call).
I have tried to commit suicide three times.
I spent almost a year shut in my bedroom with the curtains closed, the only time i would come out was to eat or watch telly, sometimes I couldn't even do that because i felt like people were watching me or judging me through the curtains ( i know it sounds silly)
Sometimes when my depression is at it's worse I shake and curl up on the ground crying. I now find myself at 18, with no job & housebound. I can barely answer the telephone without panicking. When people come to the door I usually hide in another room or go upstairs.
My mum has depression also, In 03 she had a major stroke...she supports me completely with it, but she cannot do a lot, yet shes there doing the shopping every week because I can't. I feel awful because I can't do this. The only time I will leave the house is with her or another family member. I am a very heavy smoker also.
I feel hopeless every day. I went back to the doctor around 8 months ago, an he put me back on meds, I stopped taking them and ended up more depressed than I was. When I had a mental evaluation at 16, the woman told me I should attend Anger management and an anxiety course. I don't have anger problems. My doctor doesn't seem to know what to do. I have signed up to a depression course. That was 2 months ago and haven't heard from them since. I wanted to attend an anxiety course. But I cannot attend without a letter from my doctor. Go figure.
I find myself every day getting worse. At 18 I am like this..what the hell will i be like at 20? I feel like the world would be better off without me.
I want to get my life together but I don't even know where to start? When I tell people they say well do something about it but how?
I long to be like everyone else. I just want to cry all the time. No one seems to give a sh** either way.
I just don't know what to do anymore
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