So tired of anxiety over men

[SG]

I've always had trouble getting close to men. I find myself shying away whenever someone gets too close. I'm fine with seeing people casually. but the minute it feels like it might be turning into a relationship, I slam the brakes on. My mind starts trying to talk me out of it and I'll start to pick faults with the guy as an excuse to end my involvement with him. I suffer from weird anxieties like I hate talking to someone up close because I'm paranoid about bad breath, or other times paranoid that I smell. I get tongue tied and can't think of the right words and I have problems with other people touching me if I don't know them well. So that all adds up to my mind screaming NO whenever the option of having a boyfriend arises. So anyway, I bumped into this guy I went to school with recently and he asked me out. i said yes because I know I have to try, but the closer it gets, the more anxious I am. I feel like there's a black cloud over my head. I worry about it before I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up. I can't shake it from my mind. I want so badly to make some excuse and call it off. But I've been doing that since I was in high school and I know I'll end up alone forever if I keep doing it. It's really starting to wear me down.

Is there anyone who felt this way but overcame it and ended up in a "normal" relationship? Is it better to explain all my issues to the guy once I get to know him, or just fight against them and hope I'll overcome it? I know it is possible to overcome things, because I've come a long way since all this anxiety started as a teenager, but I'm finding this last hurdle really hard.

[EvaSunshine78]

Hi,

Yes, I can completely relate to that. I have been in a relationship constantly with men, I have maybe been single for 3 years in total since the age of 15 and now I am 32 years old. I am so tired of men that all my relationships now feel like I am killing time because I dont know how to be on my own anymore, like I've lost the will to have a relationship. I don't feel like I can give anything to a man anymore. It feels like I am robot and it is destroying me. I meet men all the time and I get alot of attention from men and I get angered by it, I feel they are perverted and rude and sometimes wander why I give into them, I am not gay either.
All my relationships have been stained with mistrust, cheating, lying, loveless companionship which has caused me to lose faith in it. Sometimes I feel so low that I think no man would want someone like me, even though I know deep down I have so much real love to share. It is sad.
I don't think you should give up trying. I think if the right one comes along you will know and I think you should tell him your fears straight away, because most men are cowards and will run away but some men are lovely and will understand. I think you will know. Don't be scared (like me) and just tell him how you feel and watch how he deals with it. More than likely it wont bother him atall. The mistake I've always made is to shun what I feel and not say anything which has ended up in him being happy and me feeling miserable!!
Good Luck! xx

[Nicky32]

Awww ladies I feel similar but it's my social anxiety that holds me back. I feel I'll get dumped if I don't be super outgoing and going to places like restaurants and pubs all the time, weekends.

[bazbaz71]

Hi SG,

As a guy I can certainly sympathise with being tongue tied, not knowing what to say and feeling very nervous before a date. It's horrible and I feel sorry for you. I bet this guy you're going to see is nervous as well.....

It sounds like your fear is a way of avoiding having a relationship rather than looking for one and not suceeding. Have you discussed this with someone as it sounds like something has scared you?

Also re talking about your fears/anxiety on a date, yes that's very difficult I agree. I decided that if I'm in this situation I'll give myself some breathing space and a couple of dates first to see how things go. (Openess is important but anxiety isn't all of you - just a part of who you are. I'm sure you have lots of great qualities as well).

Take care
B