**My Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary**

[MardyBum]

Ive been wanting somewhere to write down how im doing etc when ive managed something and when im having a down day... I hope its ok to put it in here?

Back in 2005 I started with panic attacks after suffering from dizzy spells and motion sickness. At my very worst I never left the house for over a year and was a total wreck. I found this site back then and reading I wasnt alone and accpeting this was what was the matter (i believed I had a brain tumour!) helped me to get better.

With the help of my sister, mam and propanolol i got out the other side. Got a job i loved and got back into "the real world!"

Skip to now...

After the birth of my son (2009) I had (still have to a degree) PND. Slowely my panic has come back with it after a terrible 2 years of different worries (money, housing, relastionship etc etc) Now this time I can NOT be poorly. I have a very energetic toddler who I want to be the best mammy possible too...not a shaking mess that I have become.

Dr originally game me citalpram which made me way worse so dr took me off it and has now give me 40mg of propanolol as this helped me last time.. (im still scared to take it after the side effects of the cit althou last time i took it i cant remember having any side effects)

My attacks start with a hot wave over my body, dizzyness and like im going to pass out which then feeds my fear of passing out and my legs start to tremble and my hands shake...

so thats me in a nut shell... i will be updating this as often as I can with the hope it can help me (possibly others?)

SUNDAY JUNE 13TH 2011
Got up with my son after a terrible nights sleep, hes never been a good sleeper, unless hes in our bed, but his sleeping this past week has been terrible waking every 20-30 mins crying and needing me my OH had a lay in while I got on with the house work trying to keep myself busy as if I sat down i would prob fall asleep.

Didnt feel much in the way of panic until OH got up (i find when he first goes out or gets up if im been up awhile before him or if he first comes home from work i get a wave of panic and im wondering if its just me adjusting to a change in the house?) I decided at 2pm to take a propanolol. It was chucking it down so we couldnt even play out so had a lazy day. I nipped to local shop (approx 2 min walk away) without feeling panic at all...this is a weird one cause sometimes i can go there and feel totally normal but other times im near running home before ive even got there!..my panic this time is different from when I was poorly before as back in 2005 I couldnt go anywhere without feeling that flight feeling where as this time it can just hit me from nowhere?

Tablet seemed to chill me out until bed when I felt abit of the old aniexty but managed to get to sleep no problems altho i wish I could say the same for my son who again was up and down all night and even in our bed wouldnt settle and wanted to get up at 4.10am

MONDAY 13TH JUNE 2011
Another terrible nights sleep even though Leighton had me up for the day at 4.10am..

For some reason very freaked out this morning, im thinking cause im exhausted? took my tablet this morning which really helped my breathing. my neighbour came and watched leighton while I walked to the shop as I really didnt feel I could cope taking him this morning and worrying about fainting with him. Half way to the shop got the flutters of panic but no hot flash which is where my panic really kicks in normally. That fainty feeling? made it to shop and got what i needed and walked back. Very clammy here today which doesnt help as when im hot and bothered i feel fainty. Managed to eat some tea with leighton there and we are sitting watching toy story 3 waiting for daddy to come home... wondering if i will get that rush when i see him?

TUESDAY 14TH JUNE 2011
Day three of diary and day three of terrible IBS pains. I know ive prob set it off with not eating and stressing about my panic attacks. Asda delivery has been this morning so im going to eat something decent for a change rather then grazing when I can get 5 to myself. Woke up feeling shitty tbh but I think im just so shattered, hungry and sore from the IBS. Was feeling very panicy and fainty but managed to take my mind off it with my son and house work. Hes away for a nap now so im catching up with most haunted lying on sofa trying to chill out. Havent taken a tablet yet today and would also like to say ive had NO side effects from them at all but I also dont feel like they work as well as they did for me back in 2005... back then it felt like a magic pill but then that might have been mind over matter? x

WED 15TH JUNE 2011
Well Leighton let me lay in till 8.30 this morning, althou he was a nightmare to settle last night which was making me panic as I was tired and just wanted to sleep so I didnt feel it anymore. Feel abit better with some sleep and my inlaws are having him tomorrow night so a nice lay in for me on Friday I didnt take a tablet yesterday as not sure if I should be taking them every day or when needed? problem with that is I dont know when im going to have an attack in the house... I pretty much know if I go out ive got 75% chance of having one so would take it but in the house I just never know. Have a very strange feeling in the back of my throat like flutters, heart beat sorta feeling which ive never had before and keep telling myself its prob wind and trying to chill myself out about it. My IBS seems to have settled abit today.. still no poo yet but i managed to eat abit better yesterday so that HAS to help?!? Have had afew hot flashes going to start this morning and have managed to control them and have odd tingling feeling here and there which I know is panic trying to creep in... STAY AWAY!! im just sick of feeling like im fighting myself all the time, why cant my mind and my body just work together... NOTHING IS GOING TO HURT ME... if I keep telling myself that will I believe it?!? My sister came down for the afternoon and I managed a MUCH longer walk then I would normally do.. yes moments of panic, I wont lie! but I walked alot further then I would normally at the min and then nipped to staples for some parcel tape and looked around afew shops in the evening. Had a lovely day and I feel much more confident with my sister with me, i think its cause she understands (she suffers with OCD) and I can be myself with her ie panic if I want to..

THURSDAY 16 JUNE 2011
Terrible nights sleep with the heat (not leighton for a change! althou that was just cause he was in our bed) IBS sore again this morning but managaed abit of a poo (sorry if to much info lol) still feel like theres more to come (infact know there has to be) but couldnt manage! Leighton staying away at inlaws this evening so will have a nice break and some R&R for me and my other half! not feeling too panicy but thats cause I dont have to be anywhere as such yano? its too hot thou here today which normally makes me panic cause im a very hot person so heating up more makes me flushed and then feel faint so normally cue the panic! x

[Tero]

The motion sickness is a well known connection to being house bound. Some inner ear problems can be corrected, if you still have it.

I have an aunt that quit smoking and never left the house except by taxi a couple times a year. Her balance was completely messed up, but she could walk.

[MardyBum]

heya Tero *waves* thanks for replying. My left ear makes too much calcium which gives me motion sickness..I was offered gromets but was told i could have constant ringing in my ears after op (forget the proper name?) so turned it down...I havent had it recently but this is what caused me to stay home. If I walked out and about dizzy I started to panic I was going to pass out (passing out is my biggest fear) so I just stayed at home.

This time im not sure what set it off other then the stress I have had the past two years... its been one thing after another only good thing was the birth of my son

[kirsty74]

Wow!!! I feel like I have written this post. I think you are my doppleganger!!! I have a 3 year old son who does not sleep well. I am also agoraphobic and just getting to the corner shop is sometimes too much. I also feel anxious when my husband gets in from work, which i put down to the noise & excitement that follows because William loves daddy!!! My biggest fear is also fainting (which is just odd because I've never done it so am realistically unlikely to!!)

Sorry, there is no point to my post, just can't believe how similar we are!!!

[MinnieMouse]

Hi girls

Well SNAP. I am exactly the same! Luckily my daughter sleeps well but I still wake with a sense of impending doom and anitcipation of the day's traumas ahead of doing mundane chores people would take for granted. I seem to 'freak out' most in supermarkets but I think I hide it well but who knows. I do feel like people are looking at me strangely but that may be part of the anxiety. I have to fight the urge not to turn back and go home. I find that when my daughter is 'demanding' - and she isn't at all but when I am in 'panic mode' there's no room in my brain to deal with her - if that makes sense? I can hear myself getting irritated and I hate it as I am not irritated with her I am just concentrating on not collapsing and not wanting to talk about Peppa Pig etc. I am not so bad with this bit now but when my husband came back from work when our daughter was tiny - I would literally feel pysically sick and pass her to him - almost has if I had held it together (kind of!) all day until I had back -up. My husband really doesn't 'get it' at all as his mother has had anxiety for decades so he has almost got a mental blockage about it. The difference between she and I is that she wallows in it and likes the attention it gets her (long story but her's impacts on the whole family) whereas I am desperate to get better and don't gain anything from being this way as I don't draw attention to it and my husband doesn't treat me any differently - although a bit of sympathy would be nice once in a while. I did think it was some kind of post natal depression but I am not depressed as such, just frustrated at not being the fairly confident person I once was. I am a part time nanny and used to work in a nursery with lots of children and have had years of childcare experience so it's not a case of me being worried about being a mother or how I care for her but it's out of my control. BTW Mardy Bum I also was on citalopram and take propranolol when needed but I have low blood pressure so that makes me think I may faint even more. I went through bad dizziness a few months' back and discovered I had an inner ear infection but that didn't help with the worry about fainting. I had the Epley manoeuvre done by a GP and it helped with the dizziness. He just moves your head in certain ways to get the crystals in your ears balanced - he likened it to the flakes in a snow dome being shaken which gives you the dizziness and this sorts it out. Sorry for waffling - just chuffed I am not the only one xx

[MardyBum]

ladies I will try and post a good reply when my son sleeps later xx

[joolz07]

I wouldn't go with the ear surgery .... i have had three gromets fitted over my lifetime and I now suffer from severe tinnitus which I beleive stems from the surgery as I appently have scaring in my inner ear.
Constant ringing and hissing in you ears 24/7 does nothing for anxiety either I can tell you!
Julie xx

[MardyBum]

I wouldn't go with the ear surgery .... i have had three gromets fitted over my lifetime and I now suffer from severe tinnitus which I beleive stems from the surgery as I appently have scaring in my inner ear.
Constant ringing and hissing in you ears 24/7 does nothing for anxiety either I can tell you!
Julie xx

Hiya Joolz... yeah the specialist told me I could get tinnitus due to having them fitted when older.. the younger you are the better, or so I was told. So I didnt get it done xx

[MardyBum]

Gosh i havent updated for a while... will do so when my son sleeps! x

[MardyBum]

6th July 2011

Well I havent updated for awhile so thought Id better...

Ive had such an up and down time of it since I orginally posted and started this diary.

Sunday I had what im calling an epic fail..well did at the time, but now looking at it more positive or trying to. We had very little in food wise so were driving around looking for something to eat (take away) it was a red hot day, I hadnt ate much so was feeling light headed and shaky to start with and over heating with the sun... Anyway decided to go into morrisons which was UBBER busy with people buying stuff for BBQ's. I knew as soon as I walked in I had done the wrong thing and panic started to rise up my body. :( i tried to stay around the fridges as it was cooler and much quieter.. held the van keys so I knew if I left I could get back into the van but nothing calmed me down... in the end the view of the tills made me have to walk out as the ques were unreal.. Lee wasnt the most suportive as i had pretty much left him standing in the supermarket and walked out, i just wish i could make him understand how it feels.

its very up and down.. some good days and bad, earlier my other half went out for abit (hes off work all week on holiday!) and i realised I hadnt ate so made a sarnie and all of a sudden had an panic rush all over my body but havent a clue why. It never makes sence.. i realise im worse if im out and about with my son as im thinking its cause im scared im going to take bad with him about? i just cant stand how random they are and how they come from nowhere... it wasnt like that last time i only got them when i was out the house so was kinda ready for them. This time i can be sat at home and get them or can be out an about feeling fine and dandy and will get one.

My IBS is still quite bad and im off to drs again on friday as im pretty much in pain ALL the time... it just spikes and dips as to how painfull it is and is worrying me and now my other half..i woke at 4am the other morning with a rush from my toes as if i was going to pass out, felt sick going hot and cold... i managed to go back to sleep but then woke an hour later and had to run to the loo for a poo... feeling faint and worrying about passing out :( x