**My Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary**

[Col]

Ahh bless you thanks for that.

Re- earlier post, What scares me the most is the feeling that ive lost entire motion and control of my body and getting that overwhelming disorientation that I'm going to faint/ collapse. It's bloody awful.

But your most recent panic attack, I can really understand where your coming from. The fact that this one was completely undetected and so random, must be really frustrating and distressing. There you are having a nice night in, chilling, feeling ok THEN slap bang, you have the worst anxiety symptoms yet!!! AND u where at home.

So distressing for you, really do feel sorry for you U AND i hope to god u feel much better than you did that night. I can really relate to your symptoms generally, which are shocking enough to say the least BUT the last attack sounds soul destroying!

Sorry for dramatic words BUT I really do hope your feeling better.
The good thing is though, you've remained positive, we will get better, but I still find it hard to believe how bad the symptoms of anxiety are, can't believe it. I never thought anything like this would happen to me!!

Takecare and take it easy

[Col]

Ps got to take propanol

They gave it me last time BUT I know it sounds childish but I read the side effects and it said - breathing difficulties , so dared not to take it!

I'm a hopeless cause really , I'm a control freak.

[MardyBum]

Ps got to take propanol

They gave it me last time BUT I know it sounds childish but I read the side effects and it said - breathing difficulties , so dared not to take it!

I'm a hopeless cause really , I'm a control freak.

thats what im using, PLEASE take it!! its my magic pill and within half an hour of taking it I was "calm" and I was in a hell of a state before taking it.... im back to taking it full time, two 40mg tablets a day and it must be working as when its starting to run out I can feel my old anx symtoms coming back (ive actually come to update my diary to say how good they are!!) ive had very few side effects apart from a dry mouth and strange feeling now and again on my tounge but nothing major! both very much copeable and much pref to the anx symtoms!!

I struggled last time to believe these were all symtoms of anx and was worried I was really poorly but im back and feeling the same as I did then so proves they are anx! It has got to be one of the worst things ive delt with if im honest but find this site brilliant for support!

I never want to feel how I did the other night, but I also remember a time when I was poorly last time and I hit rock bottom, begging people not to leave me on my own as it scared me so much.. from that point thou I only went upwards... im hoping that was my "low" and im going to start going up now?

I quote you saying about your worries of being so out of control and like you are going to pass out? thats exactly like me!! im sooo scared of it its unreal. What we have to remember is we are scared of our own thoughts and nothing more which is what makes this so dam hard eh! I have never passed out during a panic attack so dont know why I think that!

When I went for CBT years ago the lady was telling me that when we are in the fight or flight mode we run home or to our safe place... once we get in there we believe thats why we have calmed down when infact if we had fought and stayed where we were the anx attack would of peaked and then come back down without going home... the problem is we believe its cause we are home or safe when infact its not... does that make sence... tried to word it as easy as possible.... I think we need to try and keep that in the front of our mind or at least I do lol

[MardyBum]

30.07.2011

I have started taking my propanalol 40mg twice a day. I was orginally told to take them as and when needed ie when leaving the house but my dr is thinking daily would be better and twice. I found when I was just taking one it was wearing off around tea time so this should work better for me.. Only side effects im finding is a slight dry mouth and odd feeling in my tounge but very easy to get over and nothing major...

Feeling alot better with them and they are def helping me.. dont feel anywhere near as panicky as I was and have been chilling out as much as possible!!!

IBS is painful again but i had about 2 days where I had very little to eat and with my anx having been high im guessing they are keys to this?!

generally thou I think im doing better... anyone worrying about taking propan please please do they work so well for me, and others that I have been reading on here, there is nothing to be scared off and im a HUGE worrier with side effects!

love to you all xx

[MardyBum]

02/08/2011

Well generally I think im doing better.. trying to think positive!! have been taking my meds twice a day and its def helping.. had a moment last night where I felt abit "off" sweats, clammy, feeling sick and then realised I had to run to loo so im thinking it was just my IBS. Inlaws had leighton yesterday and last night as my hips are really sore (from SPD when I was preg with my son!)

Found it hard to relax as such last night thou... sat night after putting leighton to bed I lay on the sofa and watched sex in the city 2 on sky... while sitting there is dawned on me that that was the first time I had felt that relaxed in a LONG time!! no fear, just chilled and it felt good!

One thing im sturuggling with at the moment is just feeling like I cant be bothered with anything I used to enjoy :( and cant seem to settle into anything as such... also keep questioning my sanity which annoys me alot.

[MardyBum]

welll...its been awhile since I posted in here so will try and do a quick update..

Sat night I managed a night out

Was my other half friends engagment party... Ive not had a night out since having my son due to no sitters and now my PA's but i made myself go tonight and not only that I did it without my tablets (i normally take two propan a day day but only took one this morning so it would of worn off by the time I went to the party.. more so to test myself)

I didnt know many people there so it was a big deal.. Was nerous going and was hard walking in at first and had to go outside at one point but stayed for 4 hours!! I even had a dance and didnt even have a drink just a coke so no dutch courage!

Im soo super proud of myself thats a hospital trip and a night out under my belt that i can build on.. starting to feel more like the old me..

Ive also stopped take my propan.. this is day two without any...I havent been out the house as was waiting on a courier BUT i was feeling Anx in the house in the past and touch wood nothing as yet!! tablets are there if I need them but so far im finally feeling like im turning a corner!

Believe in yourself and you really can do anything as corny and that sounds! I just wanna say the mind is very powerful but we need to start using it more for positive outcomes.. ive learnt from these past two trips out that thinking positive makes a HUGE difference and realising that people really dont care what ya doing!!

[MardyBum]

Havent posted for while as just had some time out to try and combat this head on. Ended in a HUGE argument with my other half and I finally admited alot more of how im feeling to him. So back to the drs I went. Propan was working really well for me to fight the actual side effects of anx but i was finding at times when I was standing up my vision was going black, im guessing cause of the lowered bloody pressure,

Anyway really explained to dr how I was feeling, about my fear of Anti-Ds after my experience with Cit at 40mg and he said I shouldnt have been given them at that amount.

Ive now been given 15mg of mirtazapine which the dr says is a better amount to me starting on.

Ive been pretty low and emotional and its really got the better of me at the moment. Im shattered ALL the time with it and could sleep all day, cant relax and generally shut off. Everything seems to be playing on my mind but then I have a lot on my mind as well...

I will keep fighting thou and try to get myself out as often as I have a "good" day and thanks to the argument with my oh have found it easier to explain to him how im feeling and I just hope he understands

[MardyBum]

having a REAL rough time

im on a real low point today.

I guess I need to admit how im feeling.

I feel like my head is going to explode, thinking thinking thinking. Close to tears pretty much all day. Im adjitated (sp) cant get my mind into anything I normally enjoy, cant relax, bad tempered, just want to sleep ALL the time feel sick pretty much all the time.. waves of anxiety, jittery feel confused and like i cant do things i normally do...

The dr has given me a script which i havent been and got yet and that im also scared to take which is also only 15mg which im guessing will take a while to work anyway..I dont wanna feel like this anymore :( I have a 2 year old to take care of with little to none help... hes poorly so ive had very little sleep for the past week and i just feel totally freaked out and shattered by it all

im actually scared of how im feeling and can honestly say to me it feels like im loosing control of my mind :( HELP
__________________

[MardyBum]

just had a "moment" so came on to share.

Lee has only been gone 2 hours (he had a late start this morning) after a lovely morning here I am in bed watching mickey mouse with my son as I feel totally out of control. Im so bloody up and down its unreal... Waves of panic, then waves of emotion (one min sadness and I cry and the next min anger that im back here again)

I NEED to feel better now I cant go on like this much longer... its scaring me that im like this and soo different to how I was just afew months ago :( i try to take my mind off it by doing something else, sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt and when it doesnt i get worse n worse... somes times i feel like im confused and cant do simple things.

Nearly pay day and then I can get my new anti ds and give them a go

[MardyBum]

Havent been on for awhile to update time.

I have really hit a brick wall with my anx and depression and have finally started my meds. i went to stay with my parents while I started the medication incase of side effects. I was that scared to take them the dr told me to take half of a 15mg tablet for a week and then a full 15mg tablet there after. So far no real side effects apart from sleepy and at times feeling a wave of sickness..

Spent some time at my parents going out, having walks and trying to push myself.

My partner and me are having a few issues at the moment as he doesnt know how to help me and I get frustrated with him as I feel he isnt trying to understand...I keep telling myself it must be hard for outsiders looking in to understand. He doesnt really believe in mental issues of the mind but will admit im def not right and have def hit rock bottom of late.

I just want to be better im so exhausted by it all and hate being away from home and my partner but there isnt anyone here to help with my little one so have to stay at my rents and come back home at weekends.

Problem is im soo much better anx wise up there in my home town, im calmer, i can try to do things and go places where as when I come back at weekends i can feel the panic rising! x