Hi Everyone!
I’m new to these forums, but have been reading other posts and decided I should do my own post. Sorry it’s a bit long but I’m just trying to make sense of what’s going on!
Basically, I’m 21 years old, female, and I believe I have Agoraphobia. I didn’t even know what Agoraphobia was until about three days ago! To begin with, about 6 – 7 years ago when I was 15, I was in school sat in an English lesson and we were doing silent reading. Out of the blue I suddenly felt really faint, like I was floating on a boat or something. I felt weak and I was boiling hot, my palms were sweating and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I genuinely thought that something was wrong with me. As soon as I left the classroom I was fine. I put it down to a one off and forgot about it. The next day the same thing happened. I just kept feeling faint and dizzy every time I was in that classroom, but as soon as I got out I was OK. This happened in a few other lessons as well, but not as bad. When it happened it was like all I could think about was that if I fainted, everyone would see – which made me feel even more faint. It began to happen so much that I stopped going to that lesson altogether. I told my parents that I kept feeling dizzy. I suppose very deep down I knew it was just an anxiety thing, but at the time I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. I went to the doctor and told her that I kept feeling dizzy, I didn’t mention that this was just in English and some other lessons, because at the time it didn’t occur to me that it was. I had tests done for diabetes, anemia, I even did a pregnancy test but nothing could account for the dizziness. Eventually I got so scared of having these dizzy spells in my lessons that I stopped going.
Looking back now, I’ve realized that these dizzy spells only ever occurred when the class was silent. In English we were always asked to work in silence. In a lesson like PE or Drama we were always allowed to chat. I came to realize that these ‘dizzy attacks’ only ever happened when the class was silent. When the class was silent it was like the pressure was on and that I was under scrutiny. I remember thinking hundreds of times ‘if I faint now, everyone will see, it will be so embarrassing.’ These thoughts caused me to feel even worse. The room would spin, I’d get hot and clammy and my heart would race. Exams were a nightmare. Whilst most people were worried about doing well, I was worried about fainting or feeling dizzy during it. I went to college and it got better. I rarely had dizzy attacks and when I did they only ever happened in exams. I then went to University and for the first two years it was fine. I became so confident. I met loads of people and I constantly had to give presentations which made me so confident. In my third year, the dizzy spells came back, although this time I knew that it was just me being stupid. I’d feel really hot and clammy and the room would be spinning when I had to give a presentation, but I told myself it was stupid and somehow I’d get through it.
My dizzy attacks only ever seemed to happen when I was in an educational environment, like in the classroom. When I got out of it, it was like I’d instantly forget and I’d be OK. However over the last 8 weeks or so they’ve been getting worse and worse, especially in my social life, and it’s really getting to me. About 8 weeks ago I went to town with my friend shopping. I love shopping and this time, we were having a good laugh. We ended up going for food in a café. Whilst in there the familiar feeling of a ‘dizzy attack' happened. I felt like I was going to faint. I couldn’t sit properly in my chair because I was worried I’d fall. I was really hot and shaky and my heart started racing. I had never ever had it happen to me out of uni or school before, so it shocked me, and at the time I thought something was majorly wrong. My friend was also shocked as she’d never seen me like that before. I went out to get fresh air and it was like I wasn’t ‘with it’ my legs were just carrying me and they felt like they were going to give way. I was driving so the whole way home I felt faint and couldn’t wait to get in. As soon as I got home it passed and I was fine. The next day I went back to town as normal and was fine. I put it down to a one off and carried on as normal. That was around 8 weeks ago. Shortly after that (about 6 weeks ago) I had an exam in uni. I got in and I was in bits. The room was spinning, I was boiling hot, and I found myself planning an escape (sounds irrational I know.) Again, as soon as I got out I was fine. I then began working full time in my job. I work in a restaurant and we all have breaks and lunch together, there can be about 8 or 9 of us all around one table. I’ve been there for three years so I’m comfortable with everyone. On the Monday I went in as normal and sat around the table and all of a sudden had a dizzy attack. I felt like I couldn't hold my head up and that I’m going to faint. No one noticed because I hid it well. This happened on the Tuesday also. By the Wednesday it got so bad that I made an excuse to go into town on my lunch break so that I wouldn’t have to sit with them and go through another dizzy attack. I had one in town also and had to race back to my car to stop it. When I got in the car it went.
After this me and a friend booked a last minute holiday. We literally booked it on the Sunday and went the following Friday. That week I was really busy with packing etc and only got one dizzy attack in work that week. I thought for once maybe it’s going. I had a fab holiday, up until 5 days in, I was sat eating a meal with my friend and I just kept feeling dizzy, I felt like I was falling. We got back to the room and it went. The next day we visited a few souvenir shops and I felt dizzy in them too, and then again that night in a restaurant. This Friday we came home from having a really good holiday despite the dizziness. On the plane I was thinking about it and after years of getting it, it only just occurred to me that it happens in public places where people are around. It’s like I’m so worried of fainting or passing out in front of people that it stupidly actually makes me feel faint. That night I googled ‘feeling faint in public’ and ‘I only feel dizzy when in social situations’ and so forth and it kept coming up with Agoraphobia which I seemed to fit with. When I found it I felt relieved and told myself it was all in my mind and that I was finally able to control it.
The next day, Saturday just gone, my mum asked if I wanted to go to town to look for a father’s day present. I was a bit weary, but wanted to as I’d just done a week abroad and gone out every day despite an attack so I wanted to go. I was fine to begin with then we went for food and had my worst attack yet. As soon as we got in the restaurant I felt faint and hot. I didn’t want my mum to worry so I tried to carry on as normal. I tried to tell myself that it was just because I was hungry so I ate all of my food but the dizziness was still there. After we went to a few more shops. I was walking around as if I was floating. My legs were shaky, my heart racing and I felt faint. My mum was talking to me and I wasn’t taking anything in. All I could think was ‘I need to get home.’ We were walking and there was people everywhere, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Eventually I clung onto my mum’s arm and told her I felt ill. By this point I could barely stand. She told me she needed to go to one more shop and we could go. When we got to the shop (a shoe shop) my mum told me to sit on the bench. I sat down and I couldn’t let go of her arm, it was like I was worried that if she let go I’d fall. I was sat there and I could feel passers by staring at me, everything was spinning and I felt weak. It got so bad that I made my brother wait with me while my mum went off to look. My brother asked if I needed a drink and I kept saying no, because if I had said yes he would have left me on the bench alone and I was so worried about fainting I didn’t want to be alone. He insisted and got up to get one and I began crying and begging him to stay, I became almost irrational and I scared myself. It was like I couldn’t be alone. As soon as I got back to the car I was fine again. My mum and brother kept saying it was because I was tired and dehydrated. I told them I think it was a panic attack and they told me not to be silly.
The next day Sunday, I was really shaken up by it. I stayed in most of the day until my mum asked if I could pop to the food court with her so we could book a table for my graduation next month. I tried to put it off by telling her I felt a bit ill but she said that the fresh air would be good. The food court is by a harbor and so I thought maybe I should just go and not be so stupid, if I have a panic attack who the hell cares! So I went. I started off OK and we booked a nice table and then went for a walk. I was my usual fine self. We decided to take the long way back to the car, and all of a sudden I felt dizzy AGAIN. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t tell my mum this time. I felt really hot again and couldn’t wait to get to the car. As soon as I got to the car I was fine.
This now brings me to today (Monday.) I decided last night that this whole dizziness thing was ridiculously stupid and that I know deep down that I’m not going to faint or pass out. My boyfriend phoned me this morning and asked if I would like to go to lunch with him today. This is something we always do. We end up going for lunch and have such a nice time that I never want to go home! We end up getting home at like midnight! I was getting ready to meet up with him and kept telling myself, if I get dizzy, don’t panic, it’ll pass. Or if it doesn’t I should tell him how I’m feeling. He might think its stupid but at least he could help. We got to the restaurant and immediately I felt hot and dizzy. I even found myself choosing the quietest place in the restaurant. I was reading the menu and my vision began to tunnel in a mass panic. I went really quiet. All I could think of was going home and being OK again. Eventually I told my boyfriend that I felt ill and really wanted to go home. He was surprised because usually I’m so bubbly and chatty. He took me home right away and just told me that I was probably tired from my holiday and to have a nap – I felt guilty because little did he know I was in another dizzy panic! Of course I got home and was fine. When I did get in I sat by the window and just burst into tears as its getting out of hand. I felt as if I could never leave the house again without feeling dizzy and having an attack.
Later on my brother asked if I could drop him to rugby training. It’s quite a way and usually I’d be fine but I began to clam up at just the thought of going out in the car. I agreed to take him to try and conquer it. I thought that if I didn’t do it I’d never get over it. To get there you have to drive along a very long dual carriageway as well as a lot of main roads. As soon as I got in the car I began to clam up and feel dizzy. I found myself constantly looking for places to pull over if I needed to. I was terrified of passing out at the wheel, especially with my brother in the car. I hid the attack well as I didn’t want to worry my brother who’s younger, but inside I was a wreck. Driving I was chewing my nails and shaking. Once again when I got in I was OK.
This brings me to now. I am terrified of going out of the house again and having one of these dizzy attacks. They are getting worse and worse. Things I once found enjoyable and trivial like shopping and driving, seeing my boyfriend have become almost daunting in the last few weeks. I’m even beginning to think that there is actually something wrong with me and that its not a panic attack but there really is something wrong with me like I’m anemic or something. My life is just starting to begin. I’ve got my graduation soon, and I even have a results dinner on Friday which is very exciting and important. I’m petrified that I can’t go or that if I do an attack will happen. Luckily I have 10 days off work, but I’m even terrified of going back there too. Its not a case of me being scared to go out the house, I can get out of the house, its more a case of me having an attack when I am out of the house. Ive had an attack for three days in a row now.
I want to think about seeing my GP but feel ridiculous in doing so. I don’t trust doctors much and they never seem to care. Even if I did see my GP there is usually a two week wait anyway, by that time I will have had to go back to work. Ive tried to tell my mum about the panic attacks but she say I’m being silly and its probably just tiredness, although Ive only actually told her about the one attack. I need to tell someone or do something because its beginning to affect my life :(
Sorry this post is unbelievably long and thankyou so much for reading.
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Originally Posted by honeyp1e
