daily feelings

[ciccone-hassell]

hi ppls i hope all had good day , i thought i might start this thread just as a daily thing how things are going for myself and she if others feeling same atm ,
i had a bad day today not the worst but not great, woke up had breakfast and then came online gen felt ok but having shower this morning just had huge black feelin come over me like a wave :( of gen panic and worry , i've had fair bit problems at work the just dont understand my problem that i have shared on here they think i'm a freak and silly and say that my gp will throw me off the books if i constantly go down see gp and also they say it dam right silly taking beater blokers and me checkin my pulse is utter madness its really crushed my feelins and i gettin more nervous now today i had lunch after shower had to pop to work to escort pat tester onsite and i felt in constant fear my heart raced all day , sweats , heavy feelin on chest , nervous , and just lightheaded to i'm a utter mess :( i tryed soooo hard to come over relaxed at work an be but failin myself atm , i also bumped into an old friend and was talkin to her " lovely lady " till we got onto suject of god etc " oh blimey " she really started quotin this to me and said that bein a gay man i will goto hell and that i shall suffer etc etc etc its really me and me soooo much i feel silly stupid and crazy , my hearts beatin like mad i'm scared of going bed and i just want my life back sick of checkin pulse i need a good in the face , sorry ppl for moaning and growning i just wanted get it off my chest , huge respect to all , marky

[jill]

Hi hun

Sorry to hear how things are going for you right now, my heart goes out to you,

It IS good to write things down, put hunny, you have to TRY soo dame hard to get the balance, not only writing the bad things, but TAKE NOTE on the times when your level of anxiety is less, because when anxiety is lesser, this IS PROGRESS and must try and acknowledge this.

I have dealt with many, many different people over the years, for reasons I will not go into right now, BUT, all are different and will have different opinions, I know you want to find people who you can talk to, but this can be hard, some people just DON'T understand and my thoughts on this are, to understand something you have had to have gone through it, and I would not wish Panic/ high levels of anxiety on anyone, so its OK, they don't understand and those who are horrible about it, WELL they have issues of there own they NEED TO ADDRESS, YES?

YOU ARE NOT a freak OR silly, you are a person with emotional issues and you trying your best to fix things and right now, your best is good enough, please hun, I know its hard for you, try and NOT let what they said effect you, they are just ignorant people, who just don't understand. I know I just felt sorry for them because I KNOW, when you get your knowledge under your belt about panic/anxiety YOU yourself WILL know more than them about life and how to deal with things, THIS WILL happen for you, but its going to take alot of hard work, time and the right support, believe you can get better, truly believe and your mind WILL find ways to do it.


As for meeting your SO CALLED friend, that lovely lady not so lovely hay?

YOU KNOW what hun, as I said, people will have there opinion, BUT THEY ARE NOT always right and SHE is defo, NOT RIGHT. you know deep down your a good man, you are who you are, you where made this way. It DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL how you live your life, it only matter to judgmental people, WHO I think, have issues of there own AND they don't know it.

I know its hard for you but PLEASE don't take it it heart what she said, its NOT important.

YOU DON'T need a smack in the face, what you need is someone to talk to who is NOT judgmental, post on hear hun this site is a good place to be,

I do hope your feeling a little better today.

YOU TAKE CARE

LOVE JILL XX

[ciccone-hassell]

hi JILL
thank you ever so much for taking the time to read and post back , what you have said makes total sense and i agree that my friends and the lady are the ones who dont understand what we are going thought i think its just built up inside me all day yesterday and last night i didnt sleep hardly as heart was thumpin like a drum all night and yes i went and checked pulse again :( silly me , i did right speak to the nurse at docs and she did say like " alot people have said " by checkin my pulse my mind will make the heart beat faster so even tho its hard not to just dont check it , it will be fine , the nurse did seem to understand like she said try music or a book at night time to reduce noiticin my heart beat " so i will give that a go tonight " i'll try anything and will take any advice any lovely kind person will offer on here , even tho i'm new i think that here theres a huge sense of togetherness and we as being as 1 for a change " insted of feelin alone :( , mum + family said same regards lady and god and so has a ffew good friend to i have tryed puut that in the bin and forget it and totally agree writing both good and bad situations are a good idea " i shall get a note book and start that today " GOOD ADVICE THANK YOU JILL FROM BOTTOM OF MY HEART xxx

[ciccone-hassell]

feelin ok atm tonight work wasnt to bad today " little sad as 1 off my good workers has left today but we have built a good 3 year friendship + both agree to keep in contact and spend time together " be nice " apart from that i'm now chillin out here and gunna hit the games section in minute " love the games here " then gunna be strong and no checkin pulse tonight " fingers crossed " got wee pain in chest but remaining possitive thinking " well he says but i'm still goto try ,, nervous bout tomozz meetin someone i never met b4 so i new would be bit tense tonight but am trying us possitive thoughts and thinking " well if i dont meet him i shall regret " it ,, so all i can really do is try my best ,, right ppl , i head games area and i'll let all know tomozz hows i gets on xxxx night all xx

[jill]

Hi hun

Its good to hear your feeling ok,

You are sooo right, you can only do your best with anything and your best is good enough.

It sounds like you have a very supportive

Always remember you are never alone in how you feel, there are lots of nice people on here, you could also go into chat, Mmm I have been a memeber here for over 6 years, I think and only been in chat, Mmm once, but from what I have heard, its a good place to go and chat if you have issues or just want to chat in general and make some friends.

I play the games a lot too, haha, not that good though LOL

YOU TAKE CARE

LOVE JILL XXX

I do hope things go well with not checking your pulse, it can be hard breaking a habit, BUT YOU WILL do it in time.

[Tyke]

Hi Marky

Unfortunately work colleagues can often be totally unsympethetic to these kind of issues. I never tell anyone at work as a matter of routine. At least on here you know no one will be like that. It sounds like your work mates think that if you ignore it, it will go away. If only that were true!

As for your homophobic 'lady friend', well, I would give her a wide berth in future. She really doesn't sound that friendly! I think most people today accept there is nothing wrong with being gay.

Tyke

[ciccone-hassell]

thanks tyke and jill " as allways " theres a great bunch friend here deffo ,
just updating again lol , woke up yesterday feelin stressed as new i was havin a little meetin with my boss and work m8s " got worked up as was nervous " i also planned meet friend as well , so my body was in mess all yesterday , picked friend up from station and headed bk to hotel " didnt feel very relaxed with them and went to work " meetin was fine so felt after that was over so i new in my heart i can cope with it !! , then thought about friend @ hotel went bk to room felt VERY uncomfortable and VERY nervous being with him " it was the weridest feelin in my heart as if sumthing bad would happen " i stayed there til 10pm but in end i just left him there i no it sounds silly but i was genuinely scared for my safety around him and yeah i lost the £45 i payed for room but i think well i'm still alive this morning lol , the only huge thing i am feelin atm is WHY WHY and WOTS GOING ON !! ,,, are my feelings changing ? ,, am i becoming more a worryer ? ,, or was it just a sicksense ? ,, spoken to mum + sister last night they said " they think i was very sensible leavin him there at end of day i should feel safe around somebody , yes we get nervous BUT if theres just somethink not 100% right then leave ,, its just a kick in the teeth and another person i have meet that i havent clicked with :( making me question my sexuality :( but i no i'm gay i had boyfriend b4 and loved him etc and they feelins i get with men so i no thats ok , just put it down to bad experiance i guess :( ,,, i am extremly low this morning but i just gunna get game playin + forget it or at least try ,,, PULSE UPDATE >>> i havent checked it now 2 days <<< PULSE UPDATE ,,, hehe , mind i wish i was at glastonbury all that mud wallowing would be FUN FUN FUN but then again why do ppl turn everything sexualy nowadays " eye eye i'm gunna RANT " but is true its like i think gettin muddy and to have a food fight and slimed would be HUGE FUN AND A GIGGLE RIGHT !!!! but oh nope ppl THINK !!! that everything is a sexualy thing , well its not ,, my attitude we grow up way to fast in life and why cant we be childish if we want from time to time ay ? ,, and u dont see all people at muddy festivals havin sex do ya ! you dont see clowns havin sex when they have food fights ! or people gettin gunge/slimed on tv "people gettin soaked in rain storm " so NO SEX needed in FUN things i say !!!!! <<< RANT OVER >>> hehehe hope all have a lovely day huge hugs forevers xxxx

[James1983]

Hello, nice to hear you have not been checking your pulse for a couple of days. I still check mine now and then. Work makes me anxious as well i think with me it's a case of fear of having a panic attack at work and being embarrassed . You were right to leave the hotel if you felt uncomfortable don't worry some people we click with other's we don't. There's always another day.

[ciccone-hassell]

yeah indeed there is m8 , hope your feeling ok today ? ,, panic attacks i so hate them " nothing worst feelin i say " :( , with my job least i can pop outside or hide away for few mins to carm meself down but isnt it just sods law i tend get panic attack when i can,t hide :( ,, i'll leave ppl in peace now and hope rest of your day goes well i'm headin work in bit :(

[jill]

Hi hun

Its GREAT to hear you have not been checking your pulse, WELL DONE, you should be soooo proud of yourself

We cannot always click with everyone we meet, you did what you thought was right and THATS OK.

I had to laugh when you talked about glastonbury, it sounds soo much fun and I would like to get muddieD up with anyone, JUST FOR FUN, it would be a great laugh

They say, "take your childhood with you and you will never grow old, I do believe this, sometimes us grownups can be boring, no fun. I am 47 years young LOL and on holiday, YES, its ME on the kids swings and having a go of the slide and on the beach making the biggest sandcastle LOL

This puts me in mind of a........ which IS on this great site..


Motivational Poem

Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions


When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.
My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.
My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen.
My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.
My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that.
My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.
My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?
Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!

YOU TAKE CARE

LOVE JILL XXX