HA, mamograms & upsetting my children and partner :-(

[singinsammy]

Hi all, new on here so hope I'm doing this right, really need to get things off my chest...

I've suffered with anxiety/depression problems for about 13 years, mainly health anxiety and ocd. For the past 2 years I'd been doing fantastic, no health worries at all!

I met the love of my life, moved into a new area with my children, got myself a job and got engaged. Everything was going great and I can honestly say that I'd never felt happier and I really thought I'd moved on from HA and major ocd.

Over the past few months I had some horrible stuff to deal with, which I'll not go into here, and I coped with it marvelously. But then this past month I've felt myself getting more and more anxious and the ocd starting to creep its way back in slightly. Ive had extra stresses at work, been working towards an nvq and also moving house, which in itself is extremely stressful.

Anyway, this last week my old enemy BREAST CHECKING reared it's ugly head and hit me smack bang in the face.

I've always had lumpy boobs and have had 2 benign lumps removed (one of which was fat necrosis, which was probably caused by my ocd checking, prodding and poking) I've drove my gps and specialists potty. My gp at the time once wrote in a referal letter to the breast specialist that I was a 'raging hypocondriac!'...Anyway, I digress again.....

So, for whatever reason, a few days ago, I decided to do a self breast exam...bearing in mind I have totally divorced my breasts for many years, avoiding touching them at all costs....

....And, Yes I felt lumps, yes they looked dimpled in the mirror...etc, etc. So after battling unsuccessfully with my old anxiety symptoms, flushing, tingling, diareahh, nausea blah, blah, blah, I called in sick at work and dashed straight down to gp who told me everything seemed ok. She said that she'd refer me for a scan if I wanted reassurance but I decided against it as I didn't want to have the agonising wait for weeks just to be told the usual... all is ok.

BUT I couldn't settle and spent hours worrying myself on google, couldn't sleep etc so decided the only thing for it was to pay to have a private scan asap and get it out of the way...
So today I saw a private specialist who examined me and did a mammogram.
I got the results straight away.... a small 5mm abnormality in left breast. He assured me that he is fairly certain that what is showing is infact a lymph node, nothing serious and nothing to worry about, but I've got to go back tomorrow for an ultrasound to confirm it.

To anyone without HA his assurances and expertise would be enough to relieve any major anxiety about this, but to me??? Hell no! I even asked the question...'if it did turn out to be anything sinister, would it be treatable at that size'? he replied...yes but it isn't anything sinister, the ultrasound is to merely confirm a lymph node.

Now then, what did i do when I got home? Straight onto google and scared myself stupid again with stories of lymphatic cancer and its abnormal to see lymph nodes on mammograms etc, etc. God, will I ever learn!!

Ok, the main reason I wrote this long-winded post is my kids and partner. My kids 16 and 13 have unfortunate experience with my HA and OCD and have been saying things like..'mom, yr ill again' or 'oh God, your'e going back to how you used to be'. I feel so guilty!

And then my partner, who has never seen me like this before just seems totally bewildered by it all and I can sense that he's already getting peed.

I was googling earlier and he asked me to stop it, understandably, But he doesn't seem to understand why I'm STILL so anxious. He asks, "A consultant has told you there is nothing to worry about, so why are you worrying'...'It's just a lymph node'. Bless him, he's not nasty about it but I can see it's already having an effect.
But this lymph node hasn't been confirmed yet, and how will it be confrmed without a biopsy, (which I can't afford to pay for privately but don't want to wait weeks for either) and what if, just what if he's WRONG!

I've tried to explain how I feel and all about HA etc and I'm sure he understands to a degree but how can anyone really know how we feel when our worst nightmare is occuring :-(

I'm soo gutted that I've had this relapse and I'm hoping it's just a blip and something I can come through...again

[Jan63]

I had a breast lump in January 2008 and had to go to our local hospitals breast clinic to get it checked out. I had a mammogram on both breasts and then had to wait 1/2 hr and then they called me in for another mammogram and that worried me because I was sure they had found something nasty.
I then got called for an ultrasound and was told to wait back in the corridor for what seemed like ages. Finally I was called into a room and had to wait for the consultant to appear and I'd convinced myself it was bad news by this point.

She came in and told me that the reason they did two mammograms was they thought they had seen something on the other breast but the ultrasound confirmed it was an enlarged lymph node and nothing to worry about as it wasn't cancerous and wouldn't turn cancerous. Three years later and I'm still here.
The original lump turned out to be a cyst which she drained there and then.

I'm sure your consultant is right and it's just an enlarged lymph node like mine was.

[singinsammy]

Thanx for yr reply Jan. Sorry to hear you were dragged through the mill while waiting for results. Glad all worked out for you in the end!

I've had my ultrasound scan today and the radiographer said he agreed with the consultant that it was a lymph node.
I asked him if it was a NORMAL lymph node and he said ''yeah, we do sometimes do biopsies on them but I don't think it's needed in your case'' No mention of a follow up, nothing.

I came out feeling slightly better, until I came home...... Maddeningly, It only then occured to me, that a large dimple/cellulite patch that I'd noticed (i have very large breasts) was infact on my left breast and is around the area that this 'density' was situated on my mammagram.

I of course did point out this 'patch' to both gp and consultant who both seemed to glance and dismiss it. So.....obviously I'm now thinking...hmmm are the two connected,.. if the consultant had been made more aware of my 'patch' would he have dismissed my 'density' as a lymph node????

God, why is it never ending!!!