scared to leave, is it all in my head?

[pia]

Hi, (Sorry if this rambles on a bit but im in a right state )

I suffer from social phobia and BDD and depression. I'm getting help with these and feel (for the most part) that im making progess, its slow, but i really think im getting there. Thing is I'm starting to think that the relationship im in is making me feel worse, not better. My partner is quite controlling, like what he says goes, and up until recentley i've been ok with that, have barely noticed to be honest, and when your down it doesnt really matter right? He can be very unkind with what he says too, but he denies it all and says that its 'all in my head' and part of my problem, i end up accepting this, prob cause its easier than facing up to possibility that hes a bully and i shld leave him.
This morning he gave me the silent treatment again, when i asked him what was wrong he told me it was because i hadnt helped him with some work he wanted doing last night. Thing is i did what i could, but didnt finish cause i was really struggling with my anxiety and had dreadfull period pain so took myself off to bed to read my self help book and try to relax (worried he wld be annoyed about this but was really struggling)
This morning He told me that i had ruined his chances of getting any donations (for charity thing hes doing) and dont have stresses and worries like he has, that id made things difficult and implied that id let him down (he has said this before, many times) I got really upset and started to cry (as per usual) because i feel so useless and vulnerable with having no job and relying on him for a roof over my head, and to pay all the bills etc.
I really dont know what to do, in my heart i feel that he's wrong for me, makes me feel like crap, and i cry on a daily basis over things he says and does, and i should leave, but then i panic, cause part of me loves him very much and we do have wonderful times together- he says its all in my head, maybe hes right???? i also worry about where i wld go, i have nowhere else. Family are the cause of probs in first place, and dont have any friends that cld help me.
i feel so trapped and lonely right now. I dont know what to do.

Any advice wld be great, thanks for reading this, and sorry if a waffled on a bit.
xxx

[Rain]

Hi Pia,

I also have quite extreme social anxiety so I do have some understanding of what life must be like for you. The thing that worries me about your post is that when we have low self esteem, we often attach ourselves to an apparently stronger person and then lean on them and depend on them pretty hard. We may even rely on that person to bolster how we feel about ourselves. They may be your ‘safe person’ but they also become, in a sense, your whole world.

If that person is not kind, thoughtful or understanding it can turn our whole world into an unhappy one. In your own words, your partner is controlling, a bully, makes your feel like crap and makes you cry all the time. This is not loving behaviour. In the same way a vulnerable person with low self esteem may seek out a strong person, so a controlling person make seek out a weaker partner, and then proceed to dominate them and treat them badly.

I know that in a way this is not what you want to hear but I feel this may be the case in this relationship. You are relying on him for food and shelter. You feel totally powerless because you are unable to work and can’t turn to family so a part of you puts him on a pedestal. You feel you really need this person, but it is a dependency type of need and doesn’t sound like a bond of love.

You need a plan to get out of the trap you feel you are in. Are you receiving any treatment for your social anxiety and other problems? A course of CBT may make you realise you are stronger than you think and have more options. Friends are vital for someone in your situation, as your very isolation makes your dependency on your partner more complete and more worrying. I would make widening your circle of friends an absolute priority. Even someone to talk to will give you a different perspective from the distorted one you have in your vulnerable position.

I know it’s not easy when you have social anxiety, but I think you need to try and loosen the exclusive grip your partner has on your life, because he is clearly not doing you any good. You need other people in your life who will support you while you become stronger and more independent. Doing some voluntary work, if you could manage it would be a step in the right direction. I wish you the best of luck. Let us now how you get on.

[pia]

Thanks for your reply rain This was very very hard to read as it all rings true. When i think about leaving, my first fear is 'where will i go?' i think that says it all really. This makes me feel really guilty and bad about myself-like im decieving him and living a lie, but in my own way im just trying to survive with what i have. I know i have attached myself to a seemingly 'stronger' person, the father figure that i never had bla bla.. Hes a lot older than me too (god, this is text book co-dependant relationship isnt it?!)
I have thought about voluntary work at a drugs and alcohol centre nearby as Id like to train to be a counsellor. Have been invited to go and chat with them, but keep bottling out. Think im gonna make this my priority this week.
I find it very hard to maintain friendships, although i seem like the life and soul, and appear really outgoing and popular, i dont trust people and so back away before i get close to them. This leaves me feeling very lonely and more isolated and vulnerable.
Im sat here now wondering wether i should stay or go today. I do have a friend who says i can stay at his, but have always declined as i know he has a bit of a thing for me (i know this is potentially another disaster waiting to happen) I feel trapped at the moment. Your right about the voluntary work and friends suggestions Rain, i CAN work on these.
Thankyou. xxxxx

[Ingenious]

In your own words really you have said the important thing - that you don't feel he's right for you.

The problem in your case is compounded because you rely on him for everything, I guess you feel quite trapped, that it's better (safer) to keep the status quo? The danger is the longer this goes on, the more this will drain your self confidence.

I think you need to be brave, to ask yourself what's in it for you? If you can, in the cold light of day, not see any spark or future in it, then you're right to think about moving on.

The only advice I can give really is that no matter how black or dark or worried your future might seem now, once you have made that leap into the unknown - the clouds quickly clear and if anything you think "Why didn't I do that before"

[pia]

Thanks, met with a friend last night and feel a bit more positive today. I think its the unknown that im scared of, but like you say, it prob wont be anywhere near as bad as i imagine. Im def gonna go for this voluntary work thing, i know it'll help with my confidence and i'll hopefully make some new friends. Thanks for your replies. xxxx

[haziefantasie]

Hi Pia

I know exactly what youre going through - I recently split up with my ex who was very controlling and manipulative. I also struggled to get my head round it all and am still struggling to be honest!! But there is lots of help and advice available if you know where to look - I found this website which might help you.

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/q...tionship-test/

Ive also got other links and books that might be of help to you - if youre interested or just want to talk then let me know x

[bazbaz71]

Hi Pia,

Grrr...sorry but people like him make me angry!! I think when you say that one part of you still loves him either he is manipulating you or simply you're afraid of the alternative of being without him (which is understandable of course). Another thing is as you are getting better I bet he can see that you are slowly becoming more independent and he doesn't like that. Trust yourself - you want to be better regardless of what he wants! To be honest if he 'can't adjust' then he won't be able to help you in achieving that. If he 'doesn't want to adjust' then he's just a really nasty person. As the other guys have said I think you know what you should do but that doesn't make it any less scary I know Is it worth a make or break talk or is it as it sounds that he's manipulative, bullying etc? If that's the case then you really deserve much better support I'm sure.....

Take care,
B

ps. Don't blame yourself for his poor behaviour either. It's not in your head as he tells you - he is behaving like a spoilt brat cos he's not entirely in charge! To be honest he sounds very insecure to me.

[pia]

Thanks for the link Hazie, i'll check it out when i get home It would be nice to talk to someone who has gone through same thing, maybe i could PM you?

Bazbaz- i think your right, He is very insecure, and ive noticed that we tend to argue when i dont behave in the passive way that i used to. i am getting better and so take objection to being spoken to like im stupid and worthless. I went to my NLP support group this morn, and swapped numbers with a girl there- we are thinking of setting up a social group, it feels good to have made a new friend, i feel less lonely and more positive already
I have told him we need to talk- the make or break talk. I dont want to feel bad anymore, and if he isnt gonna be supportive then i need to get rid.
Thanks guys, the advice has really helped, will keep you informed. xxx

[haziefantasie]

Hi Pia

Yes of course PM me, its always good to talk to people who understand what youre going through.

How are you feeling today? Did you have a talk with him? x