Re: scared to leave, is it all in my head?
Hi Pia,
I also have quite extreme social anxiety so I do have some understanding of what life must be like for you. The thing that worries me about your post is that when we have low self esteem, we often attach ourselves to an apparently stronger person and then lean on them and depend on them pretty hard. We may even rely on that person to bolster how we feel about ourselves. They may be your ‘safe person’ but they also become, in a sense, your whole world.
If that person is not kind, thoughtful or understanding it can turn our whole world into an unhappy one. In your own words, your partner is controlling, a bully, makes your feel like crap and makes you cry all the time. This is not loving behaviour. In the same way a vulnerable person with low self esteem may seek out a strong person, so a controlling person make seek out a weaker partner, and then proceed to dominate them and treat them badly.
I know that in a way this is not what you want to hear but I feel this may be the case in this relationship. You are relying on him for food and shelter. You feel totally powerless because you are unable to work and can’t turn to family so a part of you puts him on a pedestal. You feel you really need this person, but it is a dependency type of need and doesn’t sound like a bond of love.
You need a plan to get out of the trap you feel you are in. Are you receiving any treatment for your social anxiety and other problems? A course of CBT may make you realise you are stronger than you think and have more options. Friends are vital for someone in your situation, as your very isolation makes your dependency on your partner more complete and more worrying. I would make widening your circle of friends an absolute priority. Even someone to talk to will give you a different perspective from the distorted one you have in your vulnerable position.
I know it’s not easy when you have social anxiety, but I think you need to try and loosen the exclusive grip your partner has on your life, because he is clearly not doing you any good. You need other people in your life who will support you while you become stronger and more independent. Doing some voluntary work, if you could manage it would be a step in the right direction. I wish you the best of luck. Let us now how you get on.
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Belief is the strongest magic of all