Anyone out there live with an alcoholic. HELP!!!

[shiv]

Jeez, where do I start?!

My partner of 6 and a half years is an alcoholic and although he has periods of recovery, we are going through it bad at the moment. he is on day 3 of a massive bender and I don't even know where he is and lately just to compound the problem more he has been taking coke and ecstacy too lately.

He knows he has a problem and has some other isssues i.e. a sh***y childhood and even sh***ier parents! We're getting married in 3 months and although he's been fantastic with my latest bout of anxiety (which incidently has improved greatly this week but I'll fill you in on that at another time) his problems are getting worse.

And boy, the worst thing is, is that he is an ar*****e when he's drunk so in a way I'm glad he's made himself scarce.

Does anyone else live with someone like this and do they know of any sites with a forum like this one for loved ones of alcoholics because I need some support. I'm about as close as you can get to postponing my wedding in July which I've been planning for a year.

i love this guy to bits and I can't bear to see him do this any more.

Thanks

Shiv

P.s. Don't suggest al-anon- been there, done that; FAR too depressing!!

[darkangel]

hi shiv

not sure what to say to you and not sure what u want to hear. I was in exactly the same boat. It is a very difficult situation. Does your partner recognise that they are alcoholic and do they want help. My partner was self destructive and although I loved him dearly, I walked away because I valued my life and he had put me through hell and I wasnt prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes I loved him and part of me still does - but unless they recognise what they are doing and want to change then you may end up like this for years.

Sometimes we need to put ourselves first, since I left my partner my anxiety has vastly improved - that and my self esteem. Really give it a lot of thought and I think the fact you are writing this thread is already making you have doubts.

Think of this long term, is this what you deserve ?

I know this reply may sound harsh - but ive been there and I know the devastating effects it can have, both emotional and financial.

Please take care of yourself.

Darkangel

........life is for living not just for surviving

[shiv]

Oh we had a good period for a couple of years and he certainly knows he's an alcoholic. When he returns after this latest bender- probably tonite- he'll be in turmoil and feel very guilty, but guilt just perpetuates the cycle as you probably know.

I don't know if I can walk away from him; we do love each other very much. my step-father committed suicide after many years of alcoholism as did my eldest childs father, so I've been on this merry-go-round before.

we also have 3 kids to consider; they would be devastated if he left. AA never worked for him but I think counselling would help a great deal.

My life is just s**t at the moment and I can't see an end to it. I'm so tired; I feel about 82 rather than 32. Thanks for your support though dark angel- it helps that someone understands what I'm going through.

Shiv x

[darkangel]

hi shiv

you sound really committed to this guy - i hope he realises just how lucky he is. I am all too well aware of the guilt cycle, sorry ive let u down, i love u, you are my rock, i cant live without you.

I do hope it works out for you shiv but remember you are stronger than you think. There is not a day goes by that I do not think of my partner and what could have been but the bottle always came first unfortunately.

If you ever need to chat then I will listen and definelty not judge you - take care of yourself.

Darkangel

........life is for living not just for surviving

[Southern_Belle]

Shiv,

I too was married at a young age to an alcoholic who also abused cocaine. I did not know about the cocaine but he would disappear for days and then return home and just crash. He too would be filled with guilt begging for forgiveness stating that it would never happen again, but of course it would. Soon, it was left up to me to take care of everything, bills, the house, yard etc. The addictions took over his life. Yes, I knew he had a drinking problem before I married him but thought my love and the love of my family (as he too had a rough childhood) would overcome all. I must tell you this Shiv, even though you probably don't want to hear it, that since you have been through this once before sometimes we tend to pick the same type partners over and over, although they may be different in many ways. I know how much you must love this man and I also know that you think if you leave him how it will hurt the children, but think of how much it is hurting them now when their dad is gone for 3 days and you aren't even married yet! Trust me it will only get worse. I think deep down you know this. I would lay in bed at night praying for my husband to come home and then when I would hear the car pull up my heart would sink knowing that he was indeed home because I knew he would be drunk. You see in a way I was part of the problem. I enabled him by continuing to work and take care of him. I eventually left and divorced him. This was over 25 years ago and last I heard he has gone through 3 more wives and is still drinking. As for me, I have found a good man and have been married now for 23 years. I had to take care of me. I was going down the drain with him. That is what I fear for you. Don't let him take you down with him and your children too. You and them are your first priority. I hope you take all this with the best of intentions with which it is given. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck. I also am always available to chat, just pm me.

Bel

[susan]

Hi Hun, Im not going to be able to tell you what you want to hear. I was with a heavy drinker for 15 yrs. We have 2 beautiful children. He made me laugh. We had some great times. I had some hellish times. My anxiety became worse and worse. In the end I had to remove him with a solicitor. Im not "fine" now- or I wouldnt be on this page. But I am so, so much better. Its taken a long time to get to where I am now.- and my children are so much happier. I still cant have my long term partner move in. And wont have any male people in the house if theyve had a drink.- Know its stupid, it just makes me edgy. I work for Womens Aid and an animal charity, walk my 2 dogs and smile now. Please dont make any decisions that will be hard to retract. Life is for living, hunny, not just surviving. All my love, whatever you deceide. Susan. x

sue

[shiv]

Thanks very much to all of you who responded to me, both on this page and by pm (You're an angel, Bel). The thing ended with P doing something very silly and I hope it's taught him a BIG lesson. We're taking one day at a time and our wedding is still on.

One thing I have to say in his defence, however, is he is NOT responsible for my anxiety. I've had this for years before I knew him an it has a lot to do with heredity, and other stuff that happened to me ie abusive step-father, suicide of said step-father, abuse of drugs, suicide of partner and father of my child and all before the age of 21. Then there followed a horrendous marriage ( on the rebound after suicide of previous partner). There are many other bits and pieces and a couple of deaths in the last year or 2 but P has been very supportive to me during bad times and there is BIG love there between us

Again, though, thank you for all your support- it's much appreciated!

Shiv x