distressed...suicidal..urge to kill or ocd :(

[overthinker]

a year ago i suffered anorexia it effectively eliminated my thoughts as i was focused on cals etc now im recovered im dealing with ocd (not diagnosed professionally) but i use to have an obssession that i was pregnant even though i was a virgin, or that i was going blind and other stuff but its just gotten worse and worse and i seriously cant take it
i was sexually and physically abused but its the last 6months where i have thought im a peado now a serial killer can someone automatically become this in 6 months or is it genetics etc because one minute i believed in peace, love and happiness the next a dark cloud descended i want it gone i look to the future and im not excited i dont know if i want one :'(
ok so a week ago i had pocd and it has eased now but today i had an amazing evening had a couple of thoughts but just ignored them i then went home with my boyfriend and was at his dads we were watching a comedy i was happy and then all of a sudden the urge and thought to pick up a knife and stab them entered my mind it was like the ocd was trying to move my legs and walk i resisted and had an anxiety moment my face was red heart pounded no one saw as we were in a dark room i even got images of me smearing blood everywhere and then slicing my wrists :'( i got home burst into tears and looked in the mirror for half and hour saying over and over 'im not a killer' omg i cant believe it i really cant was this a natural urge to kill or just ocd ??
im going to my gp tomorow :'( i hope they can confirm ocd i want it gone i dont want to hurt anybody now but when its happens its so strong

[EvaSunshine78]

Hi there,
I am sorry to hear this hunny. I really am, I know how horrible it is. I have ocd, obsessive thinking and I think some terrible thoughts, it's like it tries to control my mind and give me urges that (believe me) I do not want, they are so vicious and scary and I would never do that. Like you, I am very peace and love and used to be more so then I started having these horrific thoughts. If I saw a knife, I would get the urge to pick it up and stab myself or my boyfriend, just the urges, even though I would never want to do that and the vision it and it would scare the living day ligths out of me or I would cut my hand off, really scary! I have had all sorts and the more I obsessed about it, the crazier the thoughts would become. I really thought I was going mad and like you, thought I hd turned into a killer in my head and I fought and fought with it and kept saying to myself 'I would never do that, why am I thinking this' and for a while it got out of control. I also tried to convince myself I was going insane and that I should maybe admit myself into an asylum. I have not been diagnosed with ocd but I know for sure that is what it is. No 1. I would never squash a fly, let alone cut my hand off (why the hell would I do that, it would bloody hurt!) 2. I love my family and my friends, they are the last people I would hurt. (That's why it would be the most horrific to think of them first in this instance) 3. If you were a serial killer, you would get off on those thoughts and not be so worried about it because it would be in your nature to do things like that. The list goes on. Read some of the stories on here, it will put your mind at ease that you are not the only one who has these thoughts. Infact, the more and more I research and read about this condition the more I think that there are more sufferers than I think. Silent sufferers, like I was until now (only on here though), even though I have tried to explain some things to my boyfriend, but it's kinda hard to blurt out, 'Oh, by the way, I have urges to stab you.' I can't exactly say that. It sounds really terrible when I write it like that, but How do you say it without sounding like a lunatic? I don't even think he would understand. I would never hurt him, ever, Infact, I really take are of him very well.
I am totally sure you are just experiencing the effects of OCD in all it's full on Obsessive form. I read somewhere that this obsessive thinking is called 'Pure O' - Meaning Obsessive thinking 'Pure Obsessive' - thining irrationally but without the compulsions so much. Dont quote me on that but that's what I read.
Be brave and you know, your heart will tell you what is real and what is not. The mind can play tricks but your heart doesn't.
Take Care and hope everything works out.
Lot's of Love,
Eva. xx