Really Want My Depression Just to Go Away

[ZoWeeMcfly]

I'm getting really fed up. I have ups and downs, good days and bad days. When I'm having a good day, it's great, I feel almost normal and think that my depression and anxiety doesnt have to effect me. But then on bad days (much like today) I struggle to get the motivation to do even simple things, even talking to my friends seems like hardwork.
A good day can also turn into a bad day, which I hate. This morning, it was a good day, I went shopping with my ex who I'm getting really close to again (though confusion over him contributes to my depression) and we had fun. Then the smallest comment from him made me feel depressed. I came home, and have just been sat in my room feeling like crap. It gets frustrating.
I also really want to talk to this guy about my depression, because I'm really close to him - but this morning he was telling me his brother self harrms and the way he was talking about it made me not want to tell him. he said if he saw his brother doing it, he's punch him to make him stop. I tried to tell him that this wouldnt help his brother at all and he should try and figure out the reasons why he does it, but he wouldnt listen.
I also havent told my best friend about it.. She'll be really disapointed in me and I don't want to make her worry even more, she's got enough stress without me adding to it. All of her friends at school either self harm or have eating disorders, I don't want to be another one of them.
The only people I've told are my ex girlfriend - who shouted at me.. And a guy I talk to a lot, whom I met on here (Hi Alex ) who was really supportive.

I should mention that I'm going for CBT on 1st September. But that's for my anxiety. Although I do think they're linked because they trigger each other, and I'm hoping that dealing with one will help with the other one.. but what if it doesn't ? Everything gotten so much worse since I had my assesment for it. My anxiety was mostly emetophobia related, but now I'm having PA's for many different reasons, and my depression had kindof .. not dissapeared, but like taken a back seat and wasn't effecting me. But now it's back and I've started self harming again and smoking again and I want to stop because I know it's stupid but I can't make myself stop because at the time it always seems like my only option. I know it isn't though :/

And I really want my depression to go away so then I can be normal. I feel like crying constantly yet most of the time I don't cry. I can't stop thinking about that guy I mentioned earlier and I know it's not good for me. I also tend to binge eat when I'm depressed so I'm going to put a load of weight on.

I don't know what the purpose of this post was. I guess what I'd really like is for someone to wave a magic wand and my depression gone. I know it's not going to happen though..

[cromford]

Dear Zoe. I hope you get some relief soon. I have been feeling very depressed lately and have wondered when it would get better. Anti depressents are helping. You do not mention whether you are taking any. I also do a lot of relaxing now and take regular exercise. Both of these seem to help. Try not to self-harm. I know it can be easier said than done but it is not the solution it just takes your mind off what you are feeling by producing another feeling. Sending you a big hug.
De

[Lindylou63]

Hi Zoe, A lot of what you said rings true to me! I too have days where everything is such an effort and getting out of the door can be very hard! I find the best thing for me is to go out for a long walk, sometimes for many hours, you will probably meet total strangers who just past the time of day, you will see something that lifts your heart a little and gradually you will start to feel better. I find this better than talking to people I know, I find they often off-load their own problems, I know it sounds selfish, but if you are feeling down, the last thing you need is to hear other peoples problems.
Love & hugs
Linda

[craftywitch]

I wish I had a magic wand too xx