Struggling to cope, and out of control

[MariePP]

I apologise in advance for the long post, but I am really struggling to cope anymore and I have no one to talk to about any of it.

I became housebound agoraphobic almost overnight (after 2 months of feeling sick and not knowing what panic was) 2 months into being 16, I am now almost 21. I have 'recovered' through hypnotherapy and I can go out again, but obviously the 3 years I was ill were aweful.
I couldnt see friends, or go downstairs in my own house, I lived in a hospital for a while, and have attempted suicide 3 times in my life (one for bullying, twice while I was ill, apparently my body always decides to fight it!), needless to say it was soul destroying and weakened me completely.

I hide the nightmares of my past behind a smile now, but recently they have come back to haunt me in the form of anger attacks, depression, panic and anxiety attacks, and self harm. I feel like a complete wreck. I began to drink endlessly to ease my feelings (this has stopped now) Whatever happened to me?
I have a best friend, hes great and one of 2 who stuck by me, but he has a girlfriend, uni, a job, things to do, so i dont like to bother him too much, though i have confided in him that i have began self harming again and feel like suicide sometimes.
I have a boyfriend, but he isnt good at dealing with things like this, self harm makes him angry so ive not told him, and i think over the year we've been together, my mood swings and panic attacks have worn him down. He deserves a lot better and I feel a breakup is iminent, which will benefit him definately.

I can't control my anger anymore, i snap at the slightest thing and punch and hurt myself, punch my surroundings,scream at the top of my lungs, I feel so out of control it scares me.

I stay up at night for hours on end, having a conversation with no one about how shitty I feel my life is, how even though im better I spend each day doing the same thing, with the exception of being able to walk out the house, just wasting a life away.

No one will hire me as i missed college, and uni, and any work experience is non existant, I dont blame them, I wouldnt hire me, Im seen as unreliable and as my panic attacks become to be more frequent, I wonder if im even going to be fit for work soon which terrifies me. Therefore i struggle with money to keep up with my 'friends' who have jobs and uni and a life.

I feel completely and utterly worthless, Im struggling to find reason to live.
When will these feeling stop? Is it usual to feel this depressed? Shouldnt i be HAPPY im not ill anymore? Instead of still crying over the pieces of my broken life.

Agoraphobia took my life away, and I feel i haven't regained it at all yet :'(

[JaneC]

Hi Marie sorry you are feeling so bad.

This struck a chord with me:

Agoraphobia took my life away, and I feel i haven't regained it at all yet :'(

I had anorexia in my late teens and early 20s and had to make some major life changes as I recovered, so I felt I lost a few years there. But I did get back on track even though there have been setbacks along the way, so don't despair. I've been through the lot - self-harm, a suicide attempt, PAs, depression, anger - and come out the other side.

I do think you need to get some help with the way you are feeling at the moment, though, if you aren't already. You are still very young and, honestly, the rest of your life does not need to be like this. Please speak to your doc if you haven't done so and stick around NMP for support as well xxx

[sophia_x]

I cant say anything helpful but reading that was like i'd wrote it, word for word!! Your not alone in feeling this way. I hope things improve for you soon x x x

[cathycrumble]

I would sugest you buy claire weekes book peace from nervous suffering it is a great book and she writes especially about agoraphobia. Hope this is of some help.

Cathy xx

[MariePP]

Thank you guys really appreciate the replies, as horrible as it is knowing others suffer, it is reassuring at the same time.
I have got a claire weekes book that im currently reading! It does all help, but I will get in touch with someone who can help me like a counsellor, after reading my own post back, I realise i still need it xx