Hi all,
This is my first thread. Please excuse it's length.
I have been an anxious person all of my life and have also suffered health anxiety on and off over the years.... This has normally focussed on Meningitis or most recently VCJD.
I don't have many phobias per se but the couple I have are quite intense.... These are a fear of flying and also of vomitting.
I suppose it would be accurate to describe me as a worrier... If my wife is a few minutes late home from work (after a long drive each day) then I start worrying she has been hurt in a car crash, as such I ask her to text me whenever she is delayed. I worry about silly things... If our cats dont come home at the normal time then they must have been run over. I have set rituals I complete during times of stress to comfort, I'm almost superstitious about it.
About 7 years ago I then had a mild bout of HA surrounding the possibilty that I may have Vcjd, I describe this as mild as I now know what a more servere bout feels like. I was quite convinced at the time but a quick trip to the doctors reassured me and i just snapped out of it.
Fast forward to 2011:
I got married this year and there were a few problems with our wedding, venue issues with the recession and we lost a lot of money, however alls well that ends well and I have a gorgeous and understanding wife. We then lost t the flat we were (and still are living) in because our landlord had to sell up, que mad rush to buy a house....
Finally, about 7 weeks ago our cat, my wife's pride and joy, and something I have a lot of love for went missing for several days... I was very worried, I was acting very rudely towards my wife, blaming her. (very wrong of me) also very out of character. However frayed temper is a symptom of anxiety. However we get the cat back and the relief is immense.
The next day, I'm at work, I work a quite stressful occupation, and I begin to notice that I am having word finding problems... I can't lay my finger on it, I just feel that i want to use a different word to the one I said.
After a day or so I hit the net and Dr Google... BIG MISTAKE. I don't google my symptoms... I go straight to VCJD. I spend 2to 3 hours reading symptoms ect, victim case studies, studying statistics about current rates of diagnosis and surfing these forums to find out who is presenting similar symptoms. I was starting to worry I had it, personality change=check, memory problems=check.
I then start to try and forget it... Only my mind won't let me... I think
about it all the time, I picture myself mute and bed bound, unable to remember my wife or smile at her. I start to worry that my future with my wife was being taken away from me, I start to feel grief stricken and very scarred... I DONT FEEL IN CONTROL of my own destiny.
Then numerous physical sensations start. Aches behind my eyes, a tight band around my head, tingles down my arms, joint pains, throbbing pains in my thighs, I feel like im in a bubble, when people talk to me they seem like they are along way away and it's hard for me to be a part if that world, I'm depressed. In a week I experience all the symptoms of vcjd... I'm going to be dead soon.
I go to the Dr, I tell him this, he tells me that I'm wrong, he says I don't even need a physical examination, all my symptoms are clearly caused by my thoughts, they have all come on since I hit google, I think he has a fair point, I am an anxious person. As for the mental lapses everyone has them. He does prescribe 30 mg of miritazapine to help tackle obsessional thoughts.
Since then I have been up and down over a 6 week period. Numerous trips to the docs, lots of fear and panic but also moments of joy happiness and clarity.
I have fallen into the trap if hitting DR Google so many times, and it always results in me feeling worse. I have linked a fear of a disease we have no control over and were potentially exposed to years ago to my fears of the unknown. It's the perfect disease for an anxious person to fear, we could all be unknowingly harboring it for years.... But we could not be too.
I've chosen to try and accept that I dont have it, I've chosen to try and accept my thoughts for what they are... Just thoughts. They can't hurt me. I've acknowledged that the chance of my being able to diagnose myself with such a rare disease at such an early stage with no medical knowledge is slim to none. I've decided to force myself to get back to work and face each day (WHY ARE MORNINGS SO HARD??)
I still slip up, I still believe I may have a terrible disease, I still damage my chances of recovering. Just an hour ago I hit DR Google and now I'm noticing muscle twitches all over my body again, my leg is subtley jerking and my eyes feel out of focus. The thoughts about vcjd are back. My fear of the unknown is hurting me. But I also know that writing this post helps, i also know that in seven weeks I have not gotten any worse, in fact I'm much better even at this current low than I was at the height of my fear 5 weeks ago...
I dont know I'm going to get better, I don't know how I'm going to die, maybe it will be of vcjd, maybe I'll get hit by lightning... But maybe I'll die an old man in my bed after a rich and fulfilling life. What I do know is that while I can fight my thoughts I will.
I wish my body would just make it a little easier to do so....
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