Eating Disorder - Warning - possibly triggering

[Karen]

Hi Nigel

Thanks for the decorations!

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">75 calories x 6 is less than your daily allowance, and that’s low by most standards. I think if you can find a way to come to terms with that fact, then they won’t pose any threat. And when things don’t pose a threat then we stop thinking about them.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Maybe but I see it as failure that I bought them in the first place. In fact the whole pack is more than my daily allowance and so I can't give in and eat them. At the moment it is ok because I don't want to eat anything after taking the laxatives, but it will be in a few hours when these wear off.

I kind of need to not tip them in the bin and spoil them with bleach to prove to myself that I have the willpower to resist, but when it comes down to it I am not sure I do. After all, these were not on my shopping list.

I had planned to buy fruit, a pre-cooked chicken breast and some baked beans for tea but ended up with these biscuits as well.

So wish I could sleep for a while after these tummy pains settle, as I know I will be hit by a second wave of pains and diarrhoea later. Not sure if the first lot is the result of the Xenical, and the second due to the laxatives, which would make more sense in a way.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">“Where there’s a will there’s a way”
I think finding the will – a reason – is the key. I think having the will to want to change can achieve far more than all the best psychological help in the world. We just need to keep searching for that ‘will’ Karen. It’s out there somewhere...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I agree I don't have the will and that's half the problem. I want to feel happier and live a normal life, but I don't want to eat, or at least I can't allow myself to eat because I want to lose weight. I can't get past that at present. It consumes my every waking moment.



Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Ammeg]

hey karen,
Isnt it strange to be on page one, i have no doubt that it will be goin up quickly coz we all care for you sooo much and want to try and make u happy!!! so im not gonno go on at u at all about anything!! just gonno give u a huge hug!! and let u know im thinkin of u!!
(((((((((karen)))))))))))
Ammegxxxx

[Quirky]

Hi Karen.

I'm glad the appointment went ok with the dietician. I know she can't help that much but did she have any useful tips this time?

You say you haven't really achieved too much today, but then you list all the things you've done and they ARE achievements so well done. Just because you haven't done every job you wanted doesn't mean you haven't achieved. Try and focus on the good things you did rather than what you didn't do, you've done really well and don't have to complete every job to have achieved.

I hope you're not too ill with the laxatives and the pills etc, I really wish you could find it in you to start cutting them down, it can't be good to have diorrhoea every day and it isn't pleasant for you either.

Hope you managed to have a nice nap,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

[Hannahlou84]

You're doing really well, Karen. See if you can limit yourself with the biscuits- perhaps this is the best way of proving to yourself you can have some control (though at certain times of the month I have none with chocolate!!)

I am glad Sarah is still being useful to you.

Go careful with the tablets honey,

take care,

Hannah
xx

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Karen]

Hi all

Ammeg: Thanks for the hug. It is much appreciated.

Lisa: The dietician suggested setting smaller goals, rather than setting myself up for failure - my words - by setting my expectations too high. She also said to write down daily achievements to focus on the positives and hopefully reduce my need to punish myself. The problem is I minimise what others tell me are achievements because I don't think anything I do is good enough and my core belief that I am bad and deserve to be mistreated, either by others or myself, is so strong that it is not going to disappear overnight.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I hope you're not too ill with the laxatives and the pills etc, I really wish you could find it in you to start cutting them down, it can't be good to have diorrhoea every day and it isn't pleasant for you either.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 10 May 2006 : 16:35:36</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Er I have been too ill to nap so far but the problem with purging without bingeing first, or even eating anything is that there is nothing really to get rid of except fluid. So the stomach pains are more intense. This is what I believe I deserve but you are right that it isn't very pleasant.

I suppose I need to eat something really so that I have something to get rid of. I really need some sleep too.

Hannah: The biscuits remain unopened in the fridge at present but if I start eating anything I will get tempted. I want to get rid of the whole lot because I am trying to restrict calories and lose weight. I know control would be to have one packet and leave the others where they are but I don't trust myself. Might have to spoil 5 packs and leave just one and see how long I can resist for.

Karen xx

[feege]

Hi Karen

I knew all the showoffs would be along to do fancy dex lol!!!!

It's very nice in here though so I won't feel to inadequate, just enjoy it!

I'm glad you are still finding it supportive seeing Sarah - she sounds lovely!

Actually it sounds like you've done loads today - aren't clean sheets the best... I'd love to have crisp white linen sheets on my bed every day but it's really hard work changing sheets and stuff....

Not a bad day all in all, keep focussing on the things you ARE doing well and ARE achieving eh?

Weather is great isn't it but even for me it's been a bit too humid this afternoon, feels a bit stormy...

What about that walk on the seafront eh? Maybe you can put that on your list of things to do in the near future!!!!

Take care hun

Loads of love n hugs

Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

The goals from Sarah sound sensible, do you think you can manage any of them?

I hope your tummy settles down and that you have a relaxing evening - as you are not bad sis you are kind and lovely [8D].

Thinking of you.

Lisa x

[Karen]

Thanks Lisa and Fee.

Fee: LOL!! There has been some serious decorating taking place in here today and I didn't have to lift a finger .

I suppose compared to a normal day when I would stay in bed all day, I have managed to do some of the jobs from my list. I suppose it makes sense to spread them out a bit really as the 3 days from Friday to Sunday are hardest for me.

Definitely would've loved a walk along the seafront today if it wasn't for this darned compulsion to get home and purge. I am skipping the bingeing bit completely now (at times) and purge even when I've not eaten.

I love the warm, sunny weather although it is posing new dilemmas for me at the moment. I have been wearing the same clothes - well a couple of sets of identical clothes - since gaining weight because I need to hide my body which I believe is hugely obese. It is another reason I change into my pyjamas and get into bed as soon as I get home because I can hide my body that way.

Now though I don't want anyone to see how fat I am but I can't keep hiding in fleecy tops in this weather - another sign of how fat I am because last year I would still have been cold on a day like today. The book I am reading at least helps me not feel such a freak as she talks about doing the exact same things.

If it is nice tomorrow I might go out at lunchtime for a walk along the seafront when I am at the clinic. It has to be better for me than dozing on the sofa and might wake me up a bit.


Lisa: Yes, some sensible and good advice from Sarah. I will try to implement it and see how it goes. I think it is going to be a long process changing my negative core beliefs about myself. When talking to Julia about this yesterday she said she can tell from what I say and the various exercises we do that my belief is currently at 100% so there is a long way to go to change that.

I hope I can have a nap this evening, or get to bed early as I haven't managed to sleep this afternoon and am still very tired.

Karen xx

[Hannahlou84]

Hi Karen,

Are you allowed to go for walks after lunch at the clinic (as it's exercise)? Sounds like a nice idea though.

I am sure over time you will be able to work with Sarah's plan, will be good to see how that goes.

Do you have an Asda anywhere near you? They have small packets of fresh fruit with dips (some of them fruit). They're at a trial price of £1 atm. I just thought because it stopped me bingeing earlier because it was sweet. I had mango and pineapple with passionfruit dips- but they do others including slices of apple with toffee sauce dip!! Just thought it was a nice (and relatively healthy) idea..

Sorry if you don't agree!

Hannah xx

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

Well, strictly speaking we are supposed to 'rest' for 90 minutes after eating, but I think I might be able to get away with this because my weight isn't low and over exercising has never been one of my problems - I don't have the energy lol!

If it is nice tomorrow I will ask Julia as she is more likely to agree and really there are not the restrictions on me coming and going because I am not an inpatient. I could leave at lunchtime if I wanted and exercise all afternoon but that wouldn't be something I'd do. They should probably worry more about me leaving early so I can purge. It is not possible to do this when I have to go back for the afternoon as it is too embarrrassing to be running to the loo all afternoon.

There isn't an Asda where I live but there is one on the way to the clinic. Most of my snacks do consist of fruit because I try to satisfy my cravings for sweet things this way. I am trying to get back to eating raspberries as these are one of the lowest in calories, but at present I am eating rather a lot of grapes, probably because these are sweeter. They also contain more calories though - still it has to be better than chocolate.

I'll have a look at the fruit bags. I guess it depends on the calorie content of the dips.

Can't wait for the strawberry season as I practically lived on them last summer.

Karen xx