Struggling

[Buster70]

Oh I wish that were the case of a bit of breathing space , she has gone from needing some comfort which im more than happy to do , to angry at everything and anything including me ,to manic trying to help my daughter doing her shopping etc which I’m sure is part of trying to cover her own problem , this morning no letter so I went out to walk the dogs , a buyer turned up early while I was out but he was okay as it was his fault not mine , we had a good chat about man things which was something I needed , I walked in to get a drink and some breakfast and my partner sat reading out the booklet on breast cancer , I felt sick with nerves again and didn’t eat , I can’t show or say it’s upsetting me Because she’ll just say she’s got to go through this alone because I cant handle it and won’t be there for her , she’s also been reading out numbers of people dying each day from cancer and covid , I keep trying to reassure her but then it comes across that I’m brushing it off ,she obviously needs to understand and talk about it so I am being selfish , I also try and get across our daughter is young and fit so will be okay but it falls on deaf ears , I desperately want to help her get through this but it’s relentless everywhere you go or look something brings it up, the drunk neighbour also kept ringing so she blocked her number for while .
Everyone has a breaking point and I’ve been to mine before which wasn’t good and I always said I can’t go there again .
Sorry if this sounds very negative but I can’t see much light right now .

[Catkins]

Definitely a good move with the drunk neighbour, neither of you need the additional stress of her ringing.

I haven't got any wise words, just keep doing your best to support her, keep reassuring her that your daughter will be OK. Maybe move the breast cancer info away so she doesn't keep reading it?

When my husband was going through some particularly horrible tests for lung cancer a couple of years ago there seemed to be millions of adverts on the TV for cancer and funeral plans - I think we were both hypersensitive because of what was going on. It did help not watching channels with adverts on.

[pulisa]

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/breast.../your-results/

May help a bit to read that those needing more tests usually receive their results letter within 1 week?

[Buster70]

Thank you for your replies , the neighbour had the ambulance out again which made my partner anxious because they usually come round and ask to look after her dog and leave her house keys then she’s get abuse from her in hospital because she’s so drunk she can’t remember what she’s done and why we have her keys , she constantly gets my partner to make statements to the police about her ex then asks to retract them when they’re back together, I’ve taken her to the vets in lockdown and she got so abusive to the vet I had to make her stay in the van while I dealt with the vet , I also took her to the doctor two weeks ago where she also got abusive with the doctor in the car park and ripped a cannula out of her arm , she will be dead before long she has liver failure but I will still be sad that she couldnt be saved .
Sorry to hear you also went through a scare with you or husband Catkins it does feel you are bombarded with adverts , radio , films all containing your worst fears but I know it’s always there you just see it more .
We have my daughter on FaceTime while shopping and she looked and sounded horrible and seeing my grandkids through the window when we dropped it off was heartbreaking, last year I knew one person who had covid in lockdown, in the last month at least six of my family have had it and so many people I know I’ve lost count, some old and some with health conditions and they have all been okay so I hold on to that thought , I think sooner or later we will all have had it , no one seems bothered anymore when you are out .
I know they say these trials make you stronger but I feel worn out from the last year , covid wasn’t my biggest worry by far , I worked all the way through each lockdown when the streets were empty but it ended up paying for my mums funeral and thought having these flats by the sea is our reward and future but now I’m back to my old way of thinking that if something good happens it’s followed by bad , is it better to abandon hopes and dreams to avoid disappointment ? I know there must be people on here who have given up on even leaving the house , i very nearly ended up that way but fought my demons to carry on , I feel like I can’t do this life anymore but when I think back to how bad I was at my worst I think I have to hang in and rough it out .
Id love to think that the info off nhs saying the results are usually back within seven days but I know there are backlogs of work so nothing is running as usual , in a weeks time we could be breathing a sigh of relief on both worries just not knowing breaks us , where the hell do you find the strength?
Again Thank you for the replies .

[Buster70]

It seems every day gets a little harder to take and my anxiety is probably the worst it’s been since last year when my mum died , not seeing either of my daughters now or the grandkids is very hard , it means there are just the two of us bouncing off each other and I can’t do right for doing wrong , I know she is so scared and I wish I could do something to make it right but I just seem to make her angry , I wake up each day and for a split second forget what’s going on then it hits me and I feel gutted to have woken up into this nightmare .
Thats pretty much it for today woke up crap, still crap , still there is always tomorrow we live in hope .

[NoraB]

it means there are just the two of us bouncing off each other and I can’t do right for doing wrong , I know she is so scared and I wish I could do something to make it right but I just seem to make her angry.

This is just something you have to get through as best you can B. Your Mrs is understandably stressed off her tits (scuse the pun) and she's obviously on a very short fuse which means you & the 'eggshell' scenario. Try and diffuse situations before they kick off? Just ask her what she needs you to do? And that might be for you to give her some space? I find my husband highly irritating when I'm not well. He means well but always ends up saying totally the wrong thing and that's because he doesn't understand my situation and cannot empathise. In the absence of what I need from him emotionally, I need him to look after our son, make me cups of tea etc, and he does this really well and without complaint and I am grateful for this support..

When possible, go for a walk in the fresh air and clear your mind a little. Nature calms us and that's a scientific fact right there! Encourage your Mrs to get out too because it will do her more good than sitting there dwelling on a future that's she's fearfully imagining. Expect that walking with someone who is severely stressed isn't going to be easy but the very act of walking and taking in fresh air will help on a biological level as well as mental and emotional. Autumn is a great time to get out there because it's nature at her very best. Maybe find a nice pub with a log fire to sit and have a cup of tea or coffee in? The past is gone. There's nowt we can do to change any crap that's been and gone. And the future is unknown (for all of us) but the here and now is where we get to choose our response and live and the things is that life doesn't have to be perfect and the planets all in alignment for us to experience happy moments or joyfulness. We just have to create the opportunities..

You're doing better than you think you are B..

[Carnation]

Buster, if the letter doesn't arrive soon is there any chance you can ring them up?
In the meantime, like Nora says, plenty of walks, suggest it to your partner as well.
The anger is the frustration, obviously, and fear of course.
It's just going to be a case of getting through the day at the moment and you've had plenty of practice with that Buster.

[Buster70]

Today I’ve given her some space by going to work , what you’ve said Nora is pretty much spot on I want to help but really I can’t so keep hanging about like a bad smell is just asking for problems , I do suggest taking her out places just for a drive and she does come out in the afternoon to walk the dogs but she now needs two knee replacements so she’s in agony all day and night and taking morphine codien and other painkillers wipes her out .
I always do the morning dog walk which is good to be out and talk to other people but in the back of my mind is wether the letter has come while I’m out , this morning I felt awful buzzing all over , I had a diazepam before I started work and working has burnt a bit of adrenaline off , every morning I just wake and think I can’t do another day of this but here we are half way through another day .
It has crossed my mind about ringing them but they are busy and covid has set everything back so she’d probably of be told anything but it is torture not knowing for her , yesterday she kept checking for lumps and is now convinced she’s found one .
Thank you both for taking the time to reply it does help to get a woman’s perspective.

[pulisa]

I agree on the giving her space option. I hate anyone fussing over me when I'm really stressed. I just need to get on with things and do what needs to be done. It's pointless speculating when there is no letter and no facts.

Wasn't she checked at the breast clinic for lumps and none were found?

[Carnation]

The thing is when you are in that zone you look for stuff.
I agree with Pulisa that any lumps would have been pointed out when she had her check up.