Trying to break free

[SarahNah]

So, the last few months have been a real time of dips of ups and downs. I guess this is just a venting post.

Someday's I would feel perfect, happy, willing to get out and run after every chance. Forget about all the worries of the past yet there seems to be more good than bad recently.

A lot of my old fears are coming back, thing's I never got tested for or thought of mentioning to my doctor. Like many here I worry about all types of cancers/tumors, heart worries and so on. I've been to the doctor, had my issues listen to and some tested for. Yet doubt some to come in a lot.

I tried making a positive change, I go to the gym and yoga. So I try to tell myself if my heart was so awful I wouldn't be able to do these. Yeah, it might beat harder and faster but that's from the effort and I was the most fit person before. I try to reason it out. I do go to therapy and I've been thinking about asking my doctor for some tablets or something because I seem to be slipping down a bad path again. She had offered them as a choice before but I don't want to go back and spread more worries. I'm doing my best to be positive and just get out there and do stuff but I always feel off or something. It's a lot. I'm trying to get better and hope someday I can finally reach that point.

I haven't seen my gp in a long time now, I'm trying to stay away until my yearly bloods in November

Sorry for the rant.

[SarahNah]

I'm just having a super rough night. I was nearly asleep earlier and I got one of those jerks when you feel like you're gonna stop breath and I've been awake with strange enough chest pain ever since. Of course if it was that serious I wouldn't be here worrying. I k ow that.

Things are just so rough. I trued running my neck to get me to go to sleep. Of course. Thought I felt something. Went into a panic. My eyes have been strange and getting a lot of pain especially behind my left eye-as well as my nose being strange. My body also aches-which is propbaly its good reward from the gun but my mind goes I to overdrive about everything and anything.

I was doing very well so this is a big set back for me. Trying to remind myself we all have bumps in the road.

[SarahNah]

I'm really having a tough time tonight. I was laying in bed trying to sleep and suddenly I got the strangest dizzy feeling. I tried sitting up to take deep breaths and it all went worse. I've had horrible pain in my lower back and my heart rate seems strange. I'm boiling hot even tho it's cool enough here. I'm going to stay crying. I don't know why this is happening again. I feel like I'm going to vomit with the nerves. Everyone is sick of me talking about it and worrying. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'll die any moment which is dramaict but I can't talk myself out of it.

Like my back and stomach pain is worse then ever and the idea of ibs seeing wrong now. I'm actually crying now which I know doesn't help but I can't help it. I'm sorry for being so annoying and renting endlessly.

---------- Post added at 03:42 ---------- Previous post was at 03:28 ----------

I've just go into melt down. Everything feels awful, I've got a itchy neck a lot recently of course I'm worried about that finding something like a lump when reality it's propbaly just itching off my long hair. I hate being this stupid. I'm really going off the edge.

[SarahNah]

So clearly... I made it through the night. Sorry for updating again.

I manged to get up and go to work even though after a hours sleep I was disparate to call in sick but I went.

I just rather unsettled at the moment. Besides all the stuff I said last night. I've had this thing going on for no this where I'm all pressure/full on the right side of my head (ear, jaw, cheek) but get pain on the left (behind eye and temple). I also been a runny nose so before I could rule it down to sinus or grinding my jaw but it's unsettling me now to something worse of course.

I've been losing weight but that should be a given with my lifestyle changes... Yet its given cause to worry. I'm slowly but deeply falling into my old worries like feeling out for stuff to worry about. I'm trying to keep my hands away from any areas that I might find lumpy. Like it's always itchy behind my ears and neck area and of course any time I itch there's something lumpy but I can't viablely see any lumps. So trying to use that as a good sign.

It's also the first time in ages my acid reflux is acting up..on top of all the worries I list last night. Its like being back to stage 1.

It's the Bank holiday in Ireland so I can't even contact my therapist till Tuesday. I just feel so alone and desperate

---------- Post added at 10:11 ---------- Previous post was at 09:46 ----------

Like I know I shouldn't ask for help or advice here. I just feel so alone. Like I slowly feel my mind moving to noel worries-which I have a lot of but never thought much of. I have lots of new freckles rather big ones on the back of my neck I never thought about but right now...

I also noitce that from the back of my ear, all the way down neck feel so and tender without even touching. Like moving my head certain ways makes my ear feel so full, opening my jaw can cause some pain in that area as well. Like I recently was away for a trip weekend to Spain. I went to the doctor before I went as I always need to get stuff for fly bites. This was weeks ago as I wanted to be ready, he checked out my ears and stuff for wax before flying. I'm so stressed about what it could be.

I'm losing my mind. I'm sorry for ranting so much.

[Andrash]

So clearly... I made it through the night. Sorry for updating again.

I manged to get up and go to work even though after a hours sleep I was disparate to call in sick but I went.

I just rather unsettled at the moment. Besides all the stuff I said last night. I've had this thing going on for no this where I'm all pressure/full on the right side of my head (ear, jaw, cheek) but get pain on the left (behind eye and temple). I also been a runny nose so before I could rule it down to sinus or grinding my jaw but it's unsettling me now to something worse of course.

I've been losing weight but that should be a given with my lifestyle changes... Yet its given cause to worry. I'm slowly but deeply falling into my old worries like feeling out for stuff to worry about. I'm trying to keep my hands away from any areas that I might find lumpy. Like it's always itchy behind my ears and neck area and of course any time I itch there's something lumpy but I can't viablely see any lumps. So trying to use that as a good sign.

It's also the first time in ages my acid reflux is acting up..on top of all the worries I list last night. Its like being back to stage 1.

It's the Bank holiday in Ireland so I can't even contact my therapist till Tuesday. I just feel so alone and desperate

---------- Post added at 10:11 ---------- Previous post was at 09:46 ----------

Like I know I shouldn't ask for help or advice here. I just feel so alone. Like I slowly feel my mind moving to noel worries-which I have a lot of but never thought much of. I have lots of new freckles rather big ones on the back of my neck I never thought about but right now...

I also noitce that from the back of my ear, all the way down neck feel so and tender without even touching. Like moving my head certain ways makes my ear feel so full, opening my jaw can cause some pain in that area as well. Like I recently was away for a trip weekend to Spain. I went to the doctor before I went as I always need to get stuff for fly bites. This was weeks ago as I wanted to be ready, he checked out my ears and stuff for wax before flying. I'm so stressed about what it could be.

I'm losing my mind. I'm sorry for ranting so much.

1. You can definitely rule it down to sinus issues. What you are describing is a classic case.

2. Have you noticed something - for every new (or old worry), you are able to provide a perfectly sensible answer what is going on. Meaning that you ARE getting better concerning anxiety. You have already gone through phase 1 with flying colors - you learned to find benign explanations for your symptoms, not catastrophic ones. Now it is time for phase 2 - you have to learn to ignore symptoms. I know, I know - some, like aforementioned sinus issues are impossible to ignore, but just like you stopped calling the therapists, you need to stop the self - checking and search for lumps, bumps, itches scratches, freckles and things. They are there and they are harmless -. end of story.

3. Same here - you had a symptom (weight loss) and you have already found a totally sensible and harmless explanation (lifestyle change). Cling to that. Just erase weight loss from your worries. The question was asked - the answer was given. No ifs no buts. Nothing to worry about. The end. Tell this to yourself as much times as you need, but persist with it Of course, same goes for all other symptoms for which you already have an answer.

4. Imagine how many muscles, nerves and bones are concentrated in our necks. It is one of the most sensitive body parts. So it is normal for it to feel itchy or tender or lumpy from time to time. It is not even a symptom - it is just your nerves, muscles and bones carrying out their normal functions and sometimes, because they have a lot of work to do, they huff and puff. Nothing else

5. Come on, you are Irish and you worry about freckles...Every Irish(wo)man has freckles. You'll be worrying about red hair next

6. Whatever happens and whatever you do, do not doubt for a single minute that you are already better. Of course, anyone can have a rough night or two - but the important thing (it can be seen from your posts, even from your rants) is that you are, generally speaking, back to rational thinking concerning your health. Now anxiety is desperate - it is desperately trying to reclaim the position it previously had in your life by causing you a myriad of strange symptoms. The best policy - ignore ignore ignore Imagine you are a film star or a politician, you are surrounded by a pack of journalists screaming questions at you and you are just moving through the crowd and saying "no comment". That is exactly what you are doing now with anxiety - whenever new symptom appears, just say no comment

[SarahNah]

1. You can definitely rule it down to sinus issues. What you are describing is a classic case.

2. Have you noticed something - for every new (or old worry), you are able to provide a perfectly sensible answer what is going on. Meaning that you ARE getting better concerning anxiety. You have already gone through phase 1 with flying colors - you learned to find benign explanations for your symptoms, not catastrophic ones. Now it is time for phase 2 - you have to learn to ignore symptoms. I know, I know - some, like aforementioned sinus issues are impossible to ignore, but just like you stopped calling the therapists, you need to stop the self - checking and search for lumps, bumps, itches scratches, freckles and things. They are there and they are harmless -. end of story.

3. Same here - you had a symptom (weight loss) and you have already found a totally sensible and harmless explanation (lifestyle change). Cling to that. Just erase weight loss from your worries. The question was asked - the answer was given. No ifs no buts. Nothing to worry about. The end. Tell this to yourself as much times as you need, but persist with it Of course, same goes for all other symptoms for which you already have an answer.

4. Imagine how many muscles, nerves and bones are concentrated in our necks. It is one of the most sensitive body parts. So it is normal for it to feel itchy or tender or lumpy from time to time. It is not even a symptom - it is just your nerves, muscles and bones carrying out their normal functions and sometimes, because they have a lot of work to do, they huff and puff. Nothing else

5. Come on, you are Irish and you worry about freckles...Every Irish(wo)man has freckles. You'll be worrying about red hair next

6. Whatever happens and whatever you do, do not doubt for a single minute that you are already better. Of course, anyone can have a rough night or two - but the important thing (it can be seen from your posts, even from your rants) is that you are, generally speaking, back to rational thinking concerning your health. Now anxiety is desperate - it is desperately trying to reclaim the position it previously had in your life by causing you a myriad of strange symptoms. The best policy - ignore ignore ignore Imagine you are a film star or a politician, you are surrounded by a pack of journalists screaming questions at you and you are just moving through the crowd and saying "no comment". That is exactly what you are doing now with anxiety - whenever new symptom appears, just say no comment

Oh mein Freund, zurück, um mir wieder zu helfen, scheint es!

Sorry for the delay in response I've been at work most of the day!

I've been doing my best to just get on with it and for the most part it's been working out well? It just seems with the last few days everything seems to be creeping up again. Like I think seeing and remembering that I've had a lot of this facial stuff and head stuff going on since like April/May made me worry but I suppose at the same time if it was going on so long it would be worse! The more you think and poke the worse it gets!

When one fear comes creeping in, all those old fears come floating in and that makes room for more fears!

I've read over everything you've said a number of times, excellent and true points as always! Like the freckle thing. My Mam doesn't have a inch of skin without all different types of freckle and she not worried once!

I'm going to do my best to get back on track with reminding myself all is okay. Not giving this way to much power over me again. I'm not going to let these worries (especially the heart ones and some of the pain it causes) stop me from going to the gym because it's been a huge help!

Thank you, thank you a million times for for the reply!it means so much to me that you would take the time and effort to put that much effort in. Like if I did go back to the doctor 99.999999999999% chance she would just shrug and say its fine or some very small minor issue.

So I'm really going to put my best foot forward again and use your wonderful advice to help me along the way. Thank you once again.

[SarahNah]

I just wanted to update this quickly while I'm in a semi-good state of mind. I lightly let myself run my hands over my neck area- no lumps. My jaw and all that stuff still hurts, when I was eating my dinner it hurt and my mind started to jump to like "tumor pressing down...brain tumor...oral cancer...etc" Then when I picked pressing on a spot I have- bad habbit I know. When there was pain I was like!! What's this. Like I'm trying not to think about it to much but whenever I try to move on I feel like there's a headache or eye pain coming or my jaw/all that area hurts. Like swallowing seems to hurt it now.

I'm trying to step back now and say like all the wonderful help that's been offered to me. That's fine. I'm fine, this will settled down at some stage and worrying won't help. Trying to help myself but saying stop it. That's not the case. It isn't.

[SarahNah]

Time to update this:

It's been a strange mixture of days? Some amazing moments and some very desperate moments.

Pro Days: Manged to go out alot and see some friends a few times, manged to go to work everyday and actually enjoy my job without a doubts in the backs of my mind (for the most parts, I work in a care home part-time.) I manged to be able fully mental and physical for a friend during a very hard time personal for her. Talked to some very wonderful people here. Kept up with good and yoga classed. For the most part, I've been able to mange my anxiety with a lot of stuff happening.

Con Days: Somehow have the old habit of looking in the mirror to see if there's any lumps or bumps that shouldn't be there. Sometimes it can be a crashing with fear moment. I'm also feeling around again, which is disappointing. I've also become over-thinking with my acid/burping issue. As someone with reflex it can be common but it makes me worried. Of course, I'm still thinking about that strange feeling in my jaw/ear I've talked about it enough times areas. I've also been getting a lot of pain in my neck, back, shoulders and collarbone areas. (I do go to the gym so, I'm trying to remind myself a lot of this might be a result of that)
I've also had to deal with a issue I haven't had in awhile, down moods. I used to suffer very heavy with depression before anxiety/ As time went on my anxiety became so intense it took over alot.

How I'm trying to deal with things in a positive way:so I'm trying to use my therapy suggested thought of sitting on my hands. Of course, I find lumps and bumps whenever I look. I gave myself one day to check, I lightly felt around my neck. Nothing really showing up, like if there was a huge sinister mass I shouldn't have to really feel around for it. I'm also not allowing myself to complain to my family or friends about all of my worries. I mentioned it to one person, saying I was struggling again with it. That was it. Not about what about or anything.
I try to remind myself off all the good test results I've had, that at this stage surely if something amiss they notice. So, I'm trying to reassure myself with that. Instead of running off to the doctor. Which is very. VERY. Hard, in the back of your mind you're like what if I'm right this time...what if this is it. So trying to change that thought pattern also with my therapist.

Overall, I'm try to repeating to myself that the chances of me having my biggest worries like lymphoma, sinus cancer, brain tumor, heart issue, or some type of cancer or something awful is like a tiny, tiny, tiny chance right now.

---------- Post added at 16:41 ---------- Previous post was at 15:45 ----------

One of the biggest issue I'd say is not getting enough sleep. My mind has shifted to feeling to "scared" or something to sleep. My body feels so strange as it wirls down. It's starts to panic like wheres my heart beat or why is my heart beating so fast?

I've tried playing calming music but it hasn't really worked yet. So I'm on the way back into work bearly able to keep my eyes opened. Like my whole body feels strangely heavy or something whenever I move. Like my arms feel heavy but I'm also getting a sore thoart so maybe it's just the summer flu or whatever the illness going here at the moment is!

[SarahNah]

The biggest con I didn't even get to name was I manged to break my glasses at work! So I have to go get a new pair tomorrow so that's money I didn't waste on that gone!