Hi I'm 24 years old, been suffering with anxiety since I was little, and its got worse and worse over the years. I used to worry about my mum dying or my Dad beating my mum, and then she died when I was 11. Then my Dad re-married and they both physically and mentally abused me. I was also bullied at school because I comfort ate and was overweight so I started being buliemic at 12, tryed to committ suicide on a number of occasions (got stomach pumped and so on!) Ran away from home at 16 and met a boyfriend and got into taking speed and e's coke and smoked weed I also started smoking a lot of cigerettes. I also started binge drinking. I had finally felt loved, as I was overwhelmed by the feeling pills and coke etc gave me. It made me not care, it made me feel great and loved!! The clubbing scene was everything to me, I was out my face all the time, but it kept my weight off, and I was really popular, the party animal!!! I thought "why the hell are drugs illegal, there fantastic, I'd never felt happier!!"
But the come downs and the hangovers got worse, I'd stay in bed all day, crying! I would go to work the day after clubbing and feel people looking at me and saying fat, or slag! Really freaked me out. If I'd done something mad the the night before like snogged a girl mate or gone back to a blokes house and not remembered anything I'd worry constantly. Lots of bad things happened to me, but I just couldn't stop binge drinking or taking drugs! (By the way I never went near crack or heroin, though there probably just as bad, but I don't agree with injecting!)
Anyway, its 8 years on and my new fella has got me off taking recreational drugs and I've gone 1 month without smoking or drinking, because I was getting abusive and tried to comitt suicide on lots of occasions on alcohol. Also I can't be buliemic as my partner is soooo disappointed in me when I do make my self sick. I love him so much and he is everything to me. He helps me control my life. But thats crap, I'm crap, I want to be happy and control my life! And then the worries come back panics, horrible thoughts that I'll lose my mates or him, hate saying it as well in case I jinx anyone!!! Why can't I be happy or stop crying. Thats why I get suicidal, it won't stop, I'm really really trying hard to help myself but the feeling are too great.
Started citalopram on Monday to help me get through my last six months in my nurse training. My panic attacks are out of control, they come on in shops, in queues, in restaurants, at university because I get paranoid and think someone is being funny with me or looking at me thinking horrible things. I think my mates don't like me anymore or talk about me. I lie in bed worrying about everything until I cry.
I mean last night was awful, I'd had a bit of a fall out with my younger brother because I had told him and his girlfriend that I didn't like the way he treated her and thought it wasn't nice to have him argueing in front of me and my partner (Because my brother mentally abuses her and she just takes it) and they sent snotty text messeges to me. My partner tried to explian to me to not care, but I couldn't. I hate it! I can't stand people not liking me. Even if I don't like them!! I'm constantly negative, but try and make myself think positive but can't!
Ok I'm going to shut up and take some deep breaths as my heart is pumping too fast and I can't stop crying!
Lizzie x