Feeling alone and sad on my birthday :(

[Velvet]

I just wanted to say hi carnation!
And that I’m so sorry to hear about your mum...

Things can improve and get better, I know it doesn’t feel like that right now but they can..

Sorry about your birthday feeling lonely 😔

I’m sending you some good wishes
🌷🌷🌷❤️❤️

[swgrl09]

Thank you for your kind words RJ Jones.
Birthdays always seem to bring out the worst of everything.

swgrl, so lovely to hear from you. I really didn't expect to get any replies at all.
I assumed that I had been forgotten due to more long spell of absence from here.
I thought I was doing alright jogging along in my own little world, but I'm not!
I miss my mu so much. I even have dreams of her. I feel so alone without her.
My O/H seems to have changed towards me or is it the way I feel or act? I don't know.
I just feel so alone and sad. I think everyone hates me. How can anyone like me, I feel nothing. I feel numb.
Maybe you are right about closing off. I don't like to depress people or show my true feelings. My partner knows I struggle with the loss of my mum, but says nothing!
I have one friend I speak to, but I feel I have hit a brick wall/dead end now.
Sorry, you are so kind with problems of your own. I do appreciate your reply. x

Please do not apologize for asking for help! That's something I tend to do myself. One thing I found really helpful was finding support from other people who were grieving. I took a lot from the book "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelmann (and also cried my eyes out). I actually recently ordered the second one, "Motherless Mothers" by her since I became pregnant because it has brought up some feelings again.

But this really is the worst part. Honest. And you will come out on the other side with time. You will always love and miss her, but eventually it just becomes a part of who you are and how you live your life. You kind of integrate the grief and her into yourself in a way that allows you to still keep on living. I don't know if that even makes sense, but that's how it has been for me.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Carnation, I have made a note of your birthday. I certainly have not forgotten you.
I wished we lived near each other.
I may have missed things on here and was wondering if Mr Cs mother is living with you.
I am sorry you had a bad day.

It is my late daughters birthday today. She would have been Fifty years old.
So just feeling a little bit off.

Sending you Love and
One day at a time Carnation xxx

Here's some for you, Magic, and some for your daughter. RIP.

It must be very difficult so near to your birthday?

I hope you feel stronger again soon.

[Carnation]

Thank you so much, you lovely people and all my forum friends. xx
I've read and taken in your comments and advice and maybe I am just being hard on myself. I sort of blame myself for losing my mum, because I was looking after her and she slipped away before I could save her. (I'd been saving my mum for quite some time!) Not trying to sound too over the top or creepy, I talk to mum looking at her photo, I see her in my dreams and I think she is angry with me. (My mum was always angry with me and I feel that has not changed since she passed). I feel I let my dad down as well by not keeping her safe. I'm not stupid, I know she has to die some time, but I was not with her at the end because I had the flu and had to stay away.
When I received the news, I was chanting out loud, "I should have been there, I should have been there!" That, I can't change, I know and I worked so hard to keep her safe, despite struggling myself with my anxiety. I felt so pathetic with crippling anxiety as I was not the woman I used to be. Brave, in control and reliable.
Yes Magic, I am still looking after Mr C's mum, which does not help me and I admittedly say that it should be my mum and not his. I feel resentment over this.
Magic, my heart goes out to you at this very sensitive time for you and it must be difficult to celebrate your birthday with the pain you feel over your daughter.
Pulisa, I know you had a devastating time with your Father and you are a full-time carer as well. And yes, my O/H tends to bury his head in his lap-top and football on the TV. I don't mind that, but he has know idea how I am struggling.
I feel a prisoner of the anxiety and as a Carer and I am sure you can relate to that. x
Swgrl, I will look up that book and get it. Thank you for that.
You have great empathy with others and a truly special person. x
Nice to meet you Velvet. You sound a lovely person and thank you for your words.
CelticClass, thank you also and Buster, you must be aware that I don't chat so much these days, but you are always in my thoughts.
Nicola, that was kind of you to send Best Wishes, I hope you are well.
Lastly Terry, oh my, you and your emojis, they do cheer me up! You must have thousands.
I do miss you all so much and maybe I should chat a bit more now.
I must admit that I feel a bit better now that my birthday has passed, but with Christmas looming, that will be a real test. x

---------- Post added at 19:44 ---------- Previous post was at 19:43 ----------

Sorry RJJones, I missed you off my list, but I appreciate your reply.

[Buster70]

Carnation , you can't blame yourself for things that were out of your control , you were there for your mum for long time looking after her even if you had been there at the end you couldn't have saved her , Ive gone through the same guilt for many years , I pick up my dad from hospital when he had been wrongly diagnosed and took him home joking with him about him thinking he was dying which he did a few hours later in front of me , I carried that guilt for many years and still do a little but I do accept now it wasn't my fault and was out of my control, we just do the best we can and what we think is right at the time , oh and I still talk to my dad and dog at times as long as they don't answer back you're ok .
Take care .

[Carnation]

Thanks Buster, but I know I carry this guilt and sadness which I can't seem to shake off. You can keep busy and trot along another day, but if your insides are ripped apart, it is not easy and it hurts!
What you said about your dad must have been a shock to you and hard to accept.
I told my dad I hated him when I was younger and he looked so shocked and hurt and I wish I had not said it, but my gut wanted me to say it. I felt great empathy for him in the latter part of his life and I hope I showed that with my actions.
I always say that actions speak louder than words.
I didn't understand my dad when I was younger, but he was carrying a lot of stress and sadness himself. He strangely felt the same way about his father.
Personally, I think you are an Ace guy Buster and would be proud of you if you were in my family. I know what you do for your family to the point of neglecting yourself and your needs and that tells me what a special person you are.

[Carnation]

Swgrl, if you look in, I got that book you mentioned. x

[fishman65]

I'm so sorry I missed your birthday Carnation. I'm a sporadic user of the site but remember you showing me kindness in the past. You are a thoughtful and selfless person and deserve some hugs, albeit belated ones

[swgrl09]

Swgrl, if you look in, I got that book you mentioned. x

Glad to hear it! I hope you find some of it helpful. It was definitely emotional for me to read, but I needed to read it.

Hope you are hanging in there.

[Chick100]

It was my birthday today. The first birthday without my mum as she passed away 6 months ago. I don't hear from any of the so-called family anymore and as I don't go around announcing; "It's my birthday, it's my birthday", consequently I have had a very sad and lonely day.
I feel I have no-one who cares anymore and because I still very sensitive over my mum's passing and finding it very difficult to lead my life, I don't join in any forum threads.
I'm a bundle of nerves, with shaking over every day tasks and feel so frightened and alone, almost fading in to the distance.
I have no purpose, no ambitions and spend most days crying because I feel so unloved. My partner treats me like a chamber maid and any love that may have been there is just a distant memory now.
I don't know which way to turn and what to do with myself.
I don't even know why I writing any of this, because it makes me feel so pathetic and needy. But I am and. I suppose searching for an answer or just a voice that can reassure me that there is something out there for me.

Dear Carnation. Happy birthday to you.

This is your first one without your mum, and like all SPECIAL events , it will hit you hard especially in your first year, because she´s not there, but it does get easier, it just takes time.

You are very early in your grieving stage and it sounds like you need more help than you are getting. Its very normal to feel like you have had your heart ripped out, and to keep crying at this stage. I know because I lost my mum when I was 6 and the love of my life 13 years ago. But it sounds like you need some support and I needed to see my doctor when my husband died, and also I leaned on friends. Your doctor might give you something to help you cope better, and there are grief support groups everywhere, you might find those helpful too.

I decided when my husband died that I had to accept everything grief threw at me as Normal, under the circumstances, and just accepting that helped me. We eventually find our NEW Normal, without our loved one, but its not something you can rush, it just happens. And in its own time.


I understand too about your feeling of fading into the distance. i felt that when my husband was in the last stages of his life, I had a feeling that a I was fading away and I felt like when he died I would dissapear altogether. You just feel a part of you has gone, and I think this brings the feeling of disappearance.

Look for help Carnation dear, and please please believe me when i tell you that you will not feel like this forever. You will always miss your Mum, but as time goes by the terrible pain you are feeling right now, will lessen, and you will smile again. Do look for help and support to get you through this. And stop feeling you are pathetic and needy. You are not any of these things, just hurting more than anyone thinks they can cope with ( but somehow do) and grieving.

I hope you get some help and comfort soon my dear. Things will get better but it takes time. PS. I´m not one for shouting about my birthdays either, but the first one after losing someone you love, doesn´t feel like anything of a celebration, even with cards.