Signed off by doctor!

[SarahNah]

So, for the last year I've been through a ungodly amount of tests. A chest x-ray, CT scan, ultrasound, stool sample, tested for crohns ..so on, so on. (It's such a long list!)

Today, I went into my consult to discuss the result of a few tests I did awhile back. I felt horrible going in this morning, I was still struggling with my leg/back/knee.hip (so many areas, feeling 222 rather then 22!) mainly on the right side but sometimes on the left. I've been having over a week now..it can feel worse at night which freaked me even more....banging headache...that strange thing with my ear/jaw that's been going on for awhile....I thought I was going to be sick. I had all these awful ideas running through my mind! You guys know all the worries. Like oh, will I bring this up and get more tests...

But then. He told me all the tests I had done for crohns had come back. I don't have it. My bacterial infection was cleared up. My stool was good. My blood count and all the other blood were perfect. Everything was perfect. He was happy to sign me off! I nearly cried. I didn't even think to bring up the other issues I was so happy! I thought I was going to cry! I was signed off. I walked out of that doctor feeling like I was walking on air. I had come through it!

I was so happy all day, then this evening my mind started to worry again when I remembered all the other stuff. Oh no. Bone tumor/cancer. Brain- Some rare- then I said no. The bloods were fine. Everything was fine. You are going to be just fine. I remind myself off the joy I felt today. I've been going in and out of the doctor for a year now, a year! There would have to be a issue somewhere it would have been picked up! No matter how much I worry about rare or other issues when one was picked away!

I nearly found myself googling about bone cancer to see if it was what was causing the pain in my leg (all the other areas I listed above) and I was like of this girl I read about something like..... No. I can't do this not again. I stopped myself. I couldn't fall into this again.

I need to grow stronger, so I'm going to try my best! My very best to move forward with positives and not dwelling ! And I do already get real life help! I go to therapy and I'm ready to discuss with her soon! I have a appointment in two weeks! I've been doing my best to reason, like the leg pains and stuff with not really fully sticking to the gym maybe? I hit it hard and in another place I talked about the issues of the intense pain I felt in my back over a week ago and in my leg. So I haven't been since...and for lazy reason. Yet my mind goes...what if and I'm trying to stop that what if!

[ankietyjoe]

[SarahNah]

@Ankietjoe Thank you!

I've decide to slowly pull back, I'm going to make myself stay off of her for at least one week. Then push it out to two and so on.

[SarahNah]

So just wanted to update this!

There's been lots of good but little bits of bad. Like I've been going out a lot more! Not as scared inside anymore. Like I can't go out incase something happens. So it's been nice being out and about!

There's been so many postive moments (I'm happy there's to many to list) I've also had so bad moments. Especially today I got some intense chest pains here and there but I'm still standing! I've also had my good old friend of looking of lumps on my neck and so on with other issues.

I'm therapy, we've started about other issues about my obsseive anixety. It's actually started to uproot some issues I had actually forced myself to forget about from my past. So that's been very hard to deal with but it's a work in progress I guess!

It's about telling myself, the chances at this stage of having a heart attack or lymphoma or something horrible is very small at this stage. Like sometimes these thoughts before overwhelming but I'm doing my best to gave it head on! Face my fears about all of it. It's not always easy but the path to getting better isn't always easy.

[ankietyjoe]

That's all good. It's natural to have downs as well as ups, recovery isn't linear and some days will be better than others.

What I always used to tell myself was that as long as I get better on one day, I can get better on another day too.

[SarahNah]

@Ankietyjoe Thank you for taking the time to reply! I think it's important to allow some bad but not let it over-take everything.

Like I had a appointment for a female thing today, I have to go for some bloods and a ultrasound before they'll do anything (nothing bad just getting the coil in and they have some things they have to do first). Like say...the physical exam was...leaving me walking out of the hospital like someone from a western movie! Yet I don't feel worried even though he look a few samples?? I guess you call it?

I got some sad news about a close friends parent and it's going to be tough for her. So it's time to be there for her now!

---------- Post added at 19:52 ---------- Previous post was at 19:22 ----------

Like the one thing I will say I feel rather sick this evening, my stomach feels uneasy and my lower back hurts alot. It was my first time getting a exam like that and I'm putting it down to that! It's good knowing after a whole nearly 2 years of waiting I'm finally on the path to getting the coil put in! So gotta take the good with the bad I guess!

[ankietyjoe]

I think that life has ups and downs, there will always be good and bad. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change that. You kinda have to just go with the flow and not get stuck in the past or the future.

If something bad happens, let it happen and let it pass. If something good happens, same thing. You can do just as much damage to yourself by trying to hold on to the good times as trying to push away the bad.

I think that's what you're experiencing now in a way, and it's a good place to be in.

You can definitely have some lingering physical aftershocks to what is actually a pretty invasive exam, and a triggery one if you already have health anxiety. Just put yer feet up and tell yourself that's done now!

[SarahNah]

@Ankietyjoe You're so right! Like I think that was a big issue of mine. I couldn't get myself out of the bad times alot because I kept thinking it was never going to be as good as it was before! The exam was...a lot! I did once mentioned it to my Mam (she's had a lot of exams like that before and tbh I have never and I didn't know I was actually getting one..So I was a bit uh unsure! ) She said it was totally normal and given it was my first time having a exam like that. It was understandable! After that I just rolled with the feeling!

I've done my best to just truck along the last few days! I've had a few slips, when I went to flush the toilet I thought I saw something strange but quickly flushed! Lol. I'm not getting back into that! I've had a clear stool sample a few months back! I've been signed off. That's that.

My best friend who studies/works in stats in Ireland made a interesting point the other day while chatting about her job. She said more people in our country died from like falls, car crashes or accidents in general then lots of different illness I tend to worry about! Like yeah there's a chance I might get it, but there's been a bigger chance I need to watch out while like crossing a road!

---------- Post added at 03:06 ---------- Previous post was at 02:19 ----------

So basically just because I fear having a heart attack because something felt off (it's been like this for a long time now, had a few tests earlier this year they didn't feel the need to look further!) means there's something wrong.

Just because I get acid and burp a lot doesn't mean something sinister. Worrying about things like tumors, sarcoma, lymphoma, something, something etc. Doesn't mean I'll have it. I've had a lot of tests done. Something would have shown at this stage, I would be so ill at this stage or worse! I've gotta not look for the horror stories or saying what if, what if!

While this is still a issues in some ways, it was nice to go into therapy and not have it be the whole convo! Like actually talk about other issues. Work on myself in so many ways more! Not to wait for 2019 new me. Trying everyday to be a newer and better me!