Recovery means something different to anyone, but I think I've realized that for me, it means being able to enjoy life, despite having the occasional panic attack. For me, it also means doing things I was previously afraid to do. To me it means not feeling restricted by my fears. To that end, I truly believe I am on the road to recovery.
Last February was a wake up call when I was admitted to the hospital, but since getting out, I have begun to accept my mind and all of its quirks. My primary mental illness was agoraphobia, somatic symptom disorder, panic disorder, and recurrent deep depression that would last for months on end.
However, by February, these negative feelings became constant to the point where I was battling suicidal ideation, I lost about 50 pounds from just not eating, and I lost a lot of muscle from staying in bed on average of 20 hours a day. I was also on an indefinite leave of absence from work, which paradoxically created more feelings of sadness and inadequacy.
My wake-up call had me in the hospital, being adjusted to medication, and doing intensive therapy sessions and meetings with my psychiatrist. When I got out, I was still on shaky grounds. I thought to myself: "what if things get worse, even when I'm on pills? Then would all of my options be out the window?" People on this forum helped a lot to ease my mind, but it wasn't until a month or so later that I hit gold: I found actual methods to maintain my mental hygiene, and it started with accepting my mental illness for what it is - an illness, but not something that defined me. Also, I discovered that there are always options for me: there is never a total lack of hope.
Since getting discharged, I signed up for a peer support role for a notable mental health organization, I'm beginning my own website (and hopefully eventual non-profit) that encourages expression through different means as a way to help in the recovery process, I'm working full time hours confidently, and I bought a bicycle and go for daily walks.
If anyone knows what my deal was, my primary panic trigger was exercise. Elevating my heart rate sent me into a huge downward spiral. Now that I feel confident enough to go for walks, it feels so much more empowering. And the bicycle I bought will be used as soon as I purchase a helmet. I'm not feeling limited like I did before, and I see hope on the horizon.
For anyone going through your individual problems, just remember that there is always hope. You will get through this. In February I wouldn't have believed these words, but it is truly difficult to see hope when your mind refuses to let you see it. Just know that wherever you are on your steps to recovery, that you will get through it.
Also, if you need to vent or talk, please private message me. I'd be happy to help and share coping strategies. Giving back to this community is the least I could do as you've helped me rise out of my slump.
Andrew
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