TOCD? Need help.

[Soda]

This might be TMI or sexually too informative.

Recently I realized I don't like penetrative sex that much. I've only had it a few times but I don't really live for it, it's not my favorite. The first time I had it, I had a bit of a bad mental time afterward because I felt like it felt mechanical, I was really nervous. Today I was doing sexual things with my boyfriend and I really didn't feel like having penetrative sex. I got worried. I went to google to see if a lot of people have this problem or if people often don't really enjoy it all that much.

I found a post that said that this was mostly an issue with trans people. This made me freak out at first but then looking back at my life I started to think what if I am? When I was younger I liked wearing dresses but I equally liked wearing pants. I liked fashion but I equally liked going fishing with my dad. When I was nearing puberty, I started wearing more covered up clothes. I rarely looked at my body and I didn't discover masturbation until I was around 16. I'm scared I repressed something and did something to convince myself all this time that I'm not. I have a lot of gay male friends but I never feel that I am...like them. As much as I love them I don't feel like I'd want to be them. I never feel like I'm like a man either, which should give me the answer I'm looking for. I know just because I prefer clitoral stimulation doesn't mean I'm trans, I know gender is about identity and sexual preference of what you want or like to do is not what it is. I would never want to be a man, and in fact I have probably tried to dress more feminine than I actually am throughout the years instead of the opposite. I don't feel like I want to have short hair or wear male clothes or any of that....so why did this idea not bring me as much as anxiety as say HOCD themes? I have been lately trying to just give into the idea that women can have more masculine traits and that doesn't take away from their femininity. But I'm having a really hard time feeling like I'll ever just be able to settle on what's going on.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Firstly I think you might have read a poorly informed post. I've definitely come across women who find penetrative sex not much fun but enjoy clitoral stimulation. And to suggest this is a sign of being transgender makes as much sense to me as arguing a man who enjoys anal stimulation must be showing signs of being bi/gay.

Secondly I think you have done well to work through this concern in a more logical and rational way and perhaps this is why it hasn't caused as much anxiety as the other theme which you experienced for longer? You quickly stopped the cycle advancing from a trigger and preventing any spiralling. This is a good thing as it shows you can stop your anxiety taking hold.

[Soda]

Thanks for the insight as always Terry. After writing this post I saw a FTM post where trans men explained things from earlier in life where they had called them selves a boy and wrote stories in boy perspectives and things of that sort. I’ve never felt like a man. I just got a little worried. Not to say I don’t respect trans people, I do. I just felt like I had accidentally discovered something about myself I didn’t feel was true and then had to disprove it. I’ll bring it up to my therapist of course.

[Soda]

I'm back just because I had another spike. I don't know why and I feel terrible. Especially because it seems that it is a big controversial thing to think you have tOCD. I tried to find more info on Reddit and they said it was an insult to Trans people. Someone I know recently came out as trans, so I think my OCD comes a lot from...trying to put myself into the shoes of others in order to find empathy and sort through the situation. I know that's what it is but then my brain will be like "but what about the fact you liked to wear these types of clothes" and "you liked to do these types of things when you were younger" I just want a concrete answer of yes or no but, it's annoying not to have one.

[MyNameIsTerry]

People who say it's an insult to transgender don't understand mental health issues so just ignore them. They would say the same about HOCD, some people do. It's just ignorance.

They may also misinterpret the fear element and how the person is fighting against it wishing it to be untrue as they don't want it. But it's still ignorance about mental health.

It's OCD sources you need to look at and not anything that's more for transgender. Their struggles with mental health and gender are different.

It's good to be informed but also consider where it may be part of your cycle just as a HAer reads around a cancer fear rather than their anxiety. It may help you understand the transgender side more but remember to understand the transOCD side.

EDIT: I think some may view TransOCD and HOCD as transphobic and homophobic. People struggling with these themes tend to view sexuality differently to the inward focus of their theme i.e. they are fine with LGBT+ people, even have friends who's sexuality falls within this sphere, but their OCD is telling them they are something they are not. And yes, LGBT+ people suffer these themes as it covers gay-straight fears. It's not about it's wrong for you/others but wrong for me. But it can be misinterpreted as seeing LGBT+ as wrong, which really isn't the case. Some may even have religion intertwined here, which may also be another OCD colliding with a sexuality theme, but this is a slightly different issue as there may be religious morality issues to consider.

[Prospector]

It's an irrational fear and none of what you've said or thought indicates anything negative whatsoever. I wouldn't bother looking in to it personally, as I just don't think it matters to you. And ultimately, you are who you are, and there should never be an issue with that

[Soda]

I’ve been really trying not to bother with reassurance seeking lately... but I took this lengthy Sex and Gender test. All the results came back Female (obviously). I’ve been good for a few days and then I started to analyze my face. My therapist told me she thinks I’m very feminine and has never thought of me as masculine when I tried to explain my issues with femininity to her. I told her about this but she just kind of stared and said it’s all complicated but that I don’t seem masculine or to have the want to be masculine. She said there’s no need to try to be hyperfeminine.

I think a lot is going on in my life right now. Im putting a lot of pressure on sex. I’ve only had intercourse times. At the same time my boyfriend is pansexual, which spiked my anxiety too then made me feel guilty. One of my friends has been transitioning, and so seeing his old
Photos I think really also caused some anxiety. So it’s just a jump all the time between HOCD, TOCD, ROCD. It only happens when things are going okay in my life. When they’re not, I’m busy worrying about what isn’t right. It’s really miserable because once I tackle one then it’s the other.

I think about how when I was little I liked science and math, I liked to wear long shorts like a boy. But I also liked English and math. I always wrote from a girls perspective. I shouldn’t bother listing all these stereotypes of boys and girls I know. It’s just driving me insane sometimes.

[KK77]

I’ve been really trying not to bother with reassurance seeking lately... but I took this lengthy Sex and Gender test. All the results came back Female (obviously). I’ve been good for a few days and then I started to analyze my face. My therapist told me she thinks I’m very feminine and has never thought of me as masculine when I tried to explain my issues with femininity to her. I told her about this but she just kind of stared and said it’s all complicated but that I don’t seem masculine or to have the want to be masculine. She said there’s no need to try to be hyperfeminine.

I think a lot is going on in my life right now. Im putting a lot of pressure on sex. I’ve only had intercourse times. At the same time my boyfriend is pansexual, which spiked my anxiety too then made me feel guilty. One of my friends has been transitioning, and so seeing his old
Photos I think really also caused some anxiety. So it’s just a jump all the time between HOCD, TOCD, ROCD. It only happens when things are going okay in my life. When they’re not, I’m busy worrying about what isn’t right. It’s really miserable because once I tackle one then it’s the other.

I think about how when I was little I liked science and math, I liked to wear long shorts like a boy. But I also liked English and math. I always wrote from a girls perspective. I shouldn’t bother listing all these stereotypes of boys and girls I know. It’s just driving me insane sometimes.

I think there are too many "labels" these days, and people are trying too hard to fit into one or the other, when the reality is that we can be a bit of each depending on circumstances.

Get on with life and do the things which give you enjoyment. Only by doing that will you discover what you want and who you are.

[Soda]

I think there are too many "labels" these days, and people are trying too hard to fit into one or the other, when the reality is that we can be a bit of each depending on circumstances.

Get on with life and do the things which give you enjoyment. Only by doing that will you discover what you want and who you are.

I am currently spiraling and anxious about things. I’m trying to get on with my life but it’s terribly hard to do.

[beatroon]

Hello there,

I'm so sorry to hear that things are difficult. I come on these boards because I too suffer from a variety of relationship-related OCDs and I wanted to reach out because, although it would be wrong of me to offer reassurance, I can offer solidarity in trying not to go down the doom spiral! I am a fellow OCDer and I recently read an interview with the author John Green which I found helpful. He said that the problem with the doom spiral is that it gets tighter and more corkscrewy as you go down it, so the trick is to disengage and 'tune out' if you can. If you like, you can think of it this way:

Option A: go down the spiral
Will this help me find the answers? Nope - thinking will get more and more stressful and decision-making problematic - I'll just get more anxious

Option B: refocus my attention and try to live 'as if' the problem were not a problem 'right now'
Will this help me find the answers? ...who knows? But at least I'll have had a fun time in my day-to-day life!

OCD can make you feel there is a problem to be solved right now, otherwise you're doomed and all is lost, and all of this is a vicious lie. It's only by disengaging from the battle that we disarm the beast. Easier said than done, of course, but all of that to say that we are rooting for you and hope you feel more peaceful soon.

B