Boyfriend issues probably due to anxiety

[charlie20]

Hey! This may or may not be anxiety related... But it's a situation which is not helping and I am desperate for some help and advice...

My bf and I have been together 6 years...after 2 years we had a massive wobble and he got with his best friend (female... Complete cow!)

I was devastated... But she left the country, we slowly got back on track and moved 130 miles away. Bought a house, things were great...

Until she got back in touch... I know they speak over skype and it's driving me nuts... I am totally paranoid... And we are going home for the weekend and she will be there (I won't be, am seeing my family!)

Since this has happened I am on the verge of tears at al times and totally dwelling on it... With all the lovely anxiety symptoms that go with that...

Any advice would be definitely appreciated... Bf says there is nothing to worry about and hasn't changed how he is towards me, he is lovely.

Urggg I hope this is just my anxiety.., I feel so lost and confused!

[Rach29]

Hi i think you should have a good talk with your boyfriend tell him how you feel how anxious its making you but if your boyfriend says there is nothing to worry about you have to trust him i know its hard coz he was with her in the past but hes with you not her 6 years is a long time and you got through your bad patch so just try to trust him

[charlie20]

Update: me and bf chatted about it, worked out boundaries etc and he saw her (and other friends) this weekend, all ok I think...

Tho now the anxiety is flaring up again, he is being unusually affectionate, even my mum noticed, not massively over the top but noticeable, now I googles this and all I get is "cheating, about to cheat, feeling guilty" etc and I'm freaking... He says it's because he's proud of how well I am dealing with it and wants to show me he appreciates it... Now I'm running thru it al in my head and so so paniky... Finding all my usual panic triggers so much worse... Hope he's telling the truth, apparently agony aunt google is as bad as dr google!!!

[cheryl foster]

if i was you..id get myself a male friend and see how HE likes it ..he should know you wont be happy about it..

[Rach29]

i agree with cheryl and can understand how your thinking with him being more effectionate but he could be telling the truth he appreciates how hard it was for you and you trusted him to go and thats his way of showing it men eh

[bazbaz71]

Charlie,

Frm a male point of view.

First of all it sounds you are having a nasty time of it. You have my sympathy.

One question. When you say you 'had a massive wobble', were you still together but struggling to work things out or did you actually split up for a while? The reason I ask is that it makes quite a difference to what happened at the time.

If you had split up, I think what happened, while not ideal, is understandable. In that case it would seem to me there's no reason for you to believe that he's likely to be unfaithful in the future.

If you were still together he did cheat on you (even though you were going through a bad patch that's not really acceptable in my book.) If that's the case you really have to decide if you can trust HIM now and if HE'S changed. The reason I put 'him' in capitals is that I notice you put that she's a cow. That might well be the case, but he was in a relationship with you and he takes full responsibility for what happened. If he's not trustworthy it's him you will need to worry about. If he's changed you need to forgive him or accept that you can't forgive his infidelity. There's no right answer there. Some people can move on, other's can't. If you can't you need to admit that to yourself and accept that there's nothing wrong in feeling that way (a lot of people do - I think I'm one of them!)

One final point though. If he's being nice to you, it could just be that he's being a caring boyfriend. I know from experience that my anxiety used to make me wonder sometimes why people were being very nice to me. Be careful of overthinking here - not everyone is out to pull the wool over your eyes. As a guy it would annoy me if me being nice was interpreted by my girlfriend as suspicious behaviour.

Take care
B

[Connor_cbt]

I have a slightly different perspective lol I think trust is a very important part of a
relationship, but equally so is respect, consideration, sensitivity and understanding, and
from what you've written it seems like you're expected to do all the trusting but there
doesn't seem to be a lot of the other stuff coming from him. If he really wants to
maintain a friendship with this girl then i think under the circumstances it is down to him
to help you to be ok with it.

The most important thing you need to do is communicate, you need to sit down calmly
with him and explain how their relationship makes you feel vulnerable, and that you
dont want to stop him from seeing her if it is a genuine friendship, but it will take some
time to get used to it and if he wants it to work then he is going to need to be patient
with you and help you fell better about their friendship I know you said you think she's a
cow but maybe if you formed some kind of friendship with her as well it would be
easier to trust her?

Does he encourage you to get to know her socially at all? if he wants you to get to know her so you can accept her as a friend and then you could all socialise together then that would mean they dont need to socialise alone and you can get a better understanding of their friendship and learn to trust them.
If he prefers to keep you separate then I would again question that. You are six years into a relationship, and i doubt that like cheryl said he would be so understanding if the roles were reversed.

There are 62,000,000 people in the UK alone why not make new friends rather than tread old ground? lol