Assertiveness (lack of)

[Emphyrio]

Does anyone here have this problem? I'm not one to complain about things even though I'm in the right because I don't like inconveniencing people - today I bought something from the bakery which didn't seem cooked inside and so I ended up binning most of it even though I could have taken it back and asked for a replacement - Looking back at it now I know that I should have.

Any ideas as to how I can become more assertive?

Pete

[charliepanayi]

I'm the same with a lack of assertiveness, I'm always loath to complain or make a fuss if something is wrong in a shop etc.

[theharvestmouse]

I used to be like this but I have got much better, in the past I would think I can't go back in the shop but now I do have more assertiveness.

[dovid]

it sounds mad this, but once a hairdresser when i had a haircut messed up part of my haircut and left almost a small patch missing, basically she messed up my haircut and the shaver had taken off way too much at one part and my key worker told me to demand my money back but because of lack of assertiveness and confidence i never did. this was years ago and im still battling with it

[Emphyrio]

Thanks for the replies everyone - I need to keep telling myself that its probably better for my confidence/self esteem if I just 'bite the bullet' and be assertive.

At times in the past when I've taken back clothing or goods with breaks/tears in them I've never had a problem so after I'd binned the food I kept asking myself why I didn't take it back (as is my right).

I guess I was a bit scared of the consequences but looking back on it I know that even if they had point blank refused to give me a refund/exchanged it (which would have been unlikely anyway) at least I would have made the effort (and could still have complained in some other way). Ah well, maybe next time?

[soulcrosses]

Hey Emphyrio,
I know exactly how you feel, here's a few tips that have helped me!



1. Develop a value and belief system, which allows you to assert yourself. In other words, give yourself permission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, and to make mistakes. Avoid using tag questions. ("It's really hot today, isn't it?"), disclaimers ("I may be wrong, but…"), and question statements ("won’t you close the door?") all lessen the perceived assertiveness of speech.

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2. Resist giving into interruptions until you have completed your thoughts. (Instead, say - "Just a moment, I haven't finished.")
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3. Stop self-limiting behaviors, such as smiling too much,
nodding too much, tilting your head, or dropping your eyes in
response to another person's gaze.

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4. When saying "No," be decisive. Explain why you are refusing but don’t be overly apologetic.

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5. Use "I want" or "I feel" statements. Acknowledge the other
person's situation or feelings followed by a statement in which
you stand up for your rights. E.g., "I know you're X, but I feel…"


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6. Use "I" language (this is especially useful for expressing negative feelings.) "I" language helps you focus your anger constructively and to be clear about your own feelings. For example:

• When you do (Behavior)
• The effects are (Results)
• I feel (Emotion)
• Remember: Stick to the first person, and avoid "you are".

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7. Maintain direct eye contact, keep your posture open and relaxed, be sure your facial expression agrees with the message, and keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice.
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8. Listen and let people know you have heard what they said. Ask questions for clarification.
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9. Practice! Enlist the aid of friends and family and ask for feedback. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first. Build up your assertiveness muscle. Don’t get discouraged if you behave non-assertively. Figure out where you went astray and how to improve your handling of the situation next time. Reward yourself each time you've pushed yourself to be assertive regardless of whether or not you get the desired
results.

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But remember, there's a difference between being assertive, and being arrogant - you definitely need to know where to draw the line, but be strong and work at it. It will be scary, but as you said. You have every right to be able to make certain choices (like the bakery) in life.

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Good luck!

[pg8899]

Today I was short changed £2, I realized as soon as I was outside the shop but for some reason didn't bother going back and saying anything.

I tried to rationalize it in my head by saying "its only £2, its not worth the bother of going back etc..." when I know really that it is unacceptable and its just my lack of assertiveness that made me keep walking.

Now I feel paranoid that the cashier did it deliberately and he sensed I was an easy target.