Constant hyper-awareness of my thoughts, feeling disconnected and trapped.

[LiveAboveIt]

I've been struggling with this for about 9 months or so. I used to have an issue with being aware of my breathing 24/7 that drove me crazy. It was never a fear of actually breathing, obviously, it was a fear of being stuck thinking about it/controlling it. The hyperawareness of my breathing made it feel very foreign and labored.

This obsession has since been replaced with thinking, or being overly aware of my thoughts. Being constantly aware of my thoughts has made me feel disconnected from them. I notice them popping in much more than I used to, which is something you don't ordinarily notice because you arent monitoring your thoughts.

Its causing severe distress and panic, the fact that I cant just go back to autopilot and enjoy life, instead Im stuck monitoring my thoughts and the way I feel even though I don't want to.

To top it all off it feels like my nervous system is all screwed up because I struggle with random bouts of panic and just feeling very alone and spaced out. I dont know if its the abundance of adrenaline and stress hormones, but my thinking feels all screwed up and I cant seem to stop the panic regardless of how much I attempt to talk myself through it and reassure myself that Im alright.

I hate how the anxiety affects my mind and way of thinking.. It feels like the anxiety/panic triggers this state and causes my thoughts to go haywire and I cant seem to convince myself that I am fine and that nothing is wrong with my brain.

Im already taking .5mg Klonopin once daily and 50mg Pristiq, so I don't really know what more I can do with the meds route, they just don't seem to do much for me.

The only time I ever find a little bit of solace from it is when I'm at work and my mind isn't idle enough to really think about it. This anxiety has stripped away my ability to relax or enjoy my free time, I'm slowly losing my will to live because it just doesnt get any easier. I may have a few days here and there where it's easier to control or manage, but it doesnt make these hell ish days any easier.

Just feels like I'm constantly trapped in a prison of my own mind with constant obsessive intrusive thoughts that I don't want. If I could just forget about this way of thinking or these thoughts, I would be so much better.

I also feel like Ive developed this Nihilistic way of thinking, like nothing matters because Im just trapped in this constant whirlwind of severe anxiety and DP/DR. I hate all of this. I can remember how carefree and confident I used to be in myself. Now Im just constantly in a panic, unsure of anything with my mind going crazy. I'm tired of being aware of my thoughts and being anxious about it. I dont understand why I can't just use this rationality and decide not to be anxious about it anymore, but it just feels like I have no control anymore.

My mind just does what it wants, I fall into a panic for no reason and there just doesnt seem to be any rhyme or reason. Can't help but worry that something is wrong with me.

Any advice?

[Jacqueline7]

Oh god I know exactly how u feel. Our nervous system is so sensitised that each thought feeling or movement causes an electric shock feeling or panic or agitation

It's ruining my life at the minute

U r sooooo not alone

Jacqueline

[RosieBelle]

Hi
I can totally relate to what you said - I even had a period where I was focussing on my breathing and it caused me high anxiety and panic. The main one that worries me is being hyper aware of sensations in my throat, such as it feeling tight or full or needing to swallow. This came about thanks to a fear of choking. But I'm the same as you, in that I know there is nothing physically wrong with my throat, but I'm scared of thinking about it 24/7 and not being able to escape from the thoughts/feelings.

I like to go to work as it keeps my mind occupied and I don't enjoy my free time - I will wake up on my day off of work and be worried about getting through the day with these thoughts.

I read about 'sensorimotor OCD' (think I spelled that right lol) where you focus on bodily sensations too much, so I think that may be what we have. Are you getting any therapy for this?

[LiveAboveIt]

It's really comforting to know that I'm not alone. I can tell by the replies that the two of you really get it. I thought anxiety was all about fearing something specific like a symptom. I'm used to that. But fearing your own thoughts and not being able to escape them is terrifying. But I thought I was alone in this and that something was incredibly wrong with me, something I wouldn't be able to escape. This gives me hope.

Not currently in therapy, but looking for a therapist and having trouble finding a good one that knows anxiety disorders in depth and doesn't just want to discuss my childhood. >.>;

[RosieBelle]

You're definitely not alone. I can totally identify with what you're saying - its the whole being scared of being trapped with my own thoughts and not being able to escape from them. I get anxious about being anxious!

I hope you find a good therapist, one who can give you CBT.

[Lauren4027]

I could've written this myself. My exact feelings. How are you doing now?

[LiveAboveIt]

I could've written this myself. My exact feelings. How are you doing now?

I still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, but some days are better than others. Often times my anxiety seems totally random like the weather. Some days I have very few racing thoughts and other days its incredibly overwhelming and just thinking about something casually that I dont understand will cause feels of panic. Really stupid things like wondering how a crab uses the restroom. Horrible example, but this thought literally ran through my head and I began to panic because I have no idea. Clearly I understand how silly this is and I dont really care about how a crab uses the bathroom, but my brain loves overreacting.

[gregcool]

Im in the same boat.iv had this awareness for many months now.thinking about my thoughts all day.checking out my thinking.its draining.i know what you r saying about being on auto pilot and the day just going by..i dont ever get that feeling,im allways thinking about what im doing every second..constant running comentary in my head for everything im doing through the day..

[Avm]

Omg I literally thought I was the only person who had this type of anxiety disorder symptoms. It all happened after Christmas for me I thought I was going crazy and was making myself worse by trying to control my thoughts which is impossible. I started taking fluoxetine 20mg and propranolol 80mg.

I got so bad I wanted my life to be over because I thought I can't live like this.

It's been 7 weeks since iv been on the meds and my mood has improved and I am no longer trying to control my mind but I have different anxiety symptoms and my anxiety is sky high, I have been trying to get lots of information of this forum and I have therapy but that's quite a slow progress as my therapist has only just finished asking me loads of questions to work out what therapy will help me, I have had 7 sessions and apparently next session we will start working but it's a long long road to recovery.

Sometimes I still think don't think about that you will get ill again but I almost don't care anymore I think iv accepted it more then trying to fight it if that makes sense.

[beatroon]

Hi there - I can absolutely relate to what you've said, and the depths of despair one can be driven to. You're not alone! I would definitely encourage you to get some therapy. I would try to find a therapist who has a good reputation in dealing with anxiety disorders and OCD, as it does sound like obsessional thoughts are a problem for you. Just go to them and describe what the inside of your head feels like and you will be 50% of the way towards a solution! Good luck x