Hello
I’ve just come across this site and have almost welled up about a hundred times reading other people’s experiences. I can relate to so much of it and although I’ve been dealing with various anxiety disorders for most of my life, have never ever spoken to anybody about it. When I think hard about it I don’t think I remember a time when I haven’t been very scared of something – it’s almost my default setting, and whilst for a long time I have managed that pretty well, it makes me so sad to realise that.
Reading other people’s posts made me start to think about when I first started to struggle – and reading somebody else’s post that they were scared the from the minute they found out that people died made so much sense to me. The thought that something was going to get me or my family never really left.
My father physically/sexually and mentally abused my mother (often in front of me) from a young age and I am well aware of the impact that this is likely to have had – although I have spent such a long time trying to prove that it didn’t and that I’m just normal like everybody else, I think I’ve probably tried not to think of it. I started having severe panic attacks when I was about 8 years old. It was terrifying and isolating but somehow I managed to manage them and I started to understand them and suffer less. Over the next few years I developed mild OCD, an eating disorder (not anorexia or bulimia, just very controlled eating) and had the occasional panic attack along the way. Again, I somehow always managed to get to a point where I could work through these behaviours, see them as part of my anxious nature and move on – although it wasn’t always quick or easy!
During my 2nd year at University my father was accused of sexually abusing a child we had known and I was called to give evidence against him. I hadn’t heard from my father for years and was completely unable to remember anything of the alleged incident. The case was thrown out of court but it completely upended everything for me – not only were awful memories from my childhood dragged up and analysed in detail, but I was consumed with the guilt that I had got it wrong and that my mistake might be putting other children (including a half brother and sister I’d never met) at risk. After this my eating got far worse – I got very thin and all I remember of those few years afterwards is being scared and worried and lonely.
Once again after a while I managed to put that behind me, to try to let the rational side of my brain take charge for a while – and I managed pretty well until about a year and a half ago when a long-term relationship ended. I had recently moved house, job and city and was already having trouble settling when the relationship ended very suddenly. I felt completely and utterly lost – I started having panic attacks again – I developed severe acne, I couldn’t sleep, I was literally sick with fear - I would just walk the streets for hours and hours because I could never switch my brain off. I was exhausted and constantly preoccupied with all the awful things that could happen to me. Every time I started to feel a little better I almost forced myself to find something else to worry about because I was so terrified of feeling settled and having it taken away again – it was almost addictive – if I was scared, I was alert and knew what my happen and that was oddly comforting. This manifested itself in extreme health anxiety – it was almost as if I knew how to manage panic attacks and OCD and eating disorders so I was moving on to something less controllable. After a long period of time I decided on a new start and went to Paris on my own to live – it was amazing and calming and for the first time in such a long time I felt like me – I was far away from friends and family and comfort yet I felt free of a lot of the problems I’d felt at home. I came back about 4 months ago and although I thought I was doing much better I have been struggling – but very much in secret! Mainly with health anxiety – worse than it has ever been before. I am putting this down to not feeling particularly settled in my home/job/relationship since I’ve been back, and also maybe the fear of being back itself after a long time away. But as much I try to remind myself of that, this is also so real to me – I can’t do anything but think and analyse everything that could be wrong with me. In the last 2 months I’ve been convinced I’ve had at least 5 very serious conditions. I just want to stop it now. Which is why it was so amazing to read this site – I don’t feel like anybody around me would understand if I tried to explain to them. I have good friends, family, a relationship which makes me happy – I don’t feel like they could understand. If you met me I guess you’d never know – even my family don’t think of me as having a problem despite the panic attacks and OCD. They’ve always seen me as the one who copes and I’m very scared of admitting that this means that maybe I can’t – that I never have. I’m high-achieving, ambitious, and extroverted so sometimes I just get so mad at myself for letting this get the better of me. I know where it comes from – I guess even just writing this confirms what I already knew – that it comes in waves and cycles and you just have to learn the best ways to look after yourself and ride it out. But it’s hard.
I’m sorry – this is such a long post. I think I just wanted to say thank you for giving people a space to talk about it. Even just reading and writing this has given me a little comfort.
Thanks
A
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