Hi all,

I haven't had much luck posting in here admittedly, its like my disorder is out of fashion or something but it all stems from severe panic and anxiety i experienced several months ago now.

In April/may time my head basically exploded with a mental breakdown style panic attack which lead to two weeks of intense DPDR, but what came after is far worse. It is like I am living in an altered existential state where my mind has become completely triggered by time and fearful of the very nature of concioussness, I feel locked in and suffer horrible existential thoughts and notions amd sensations all day long. I have this very strange phenomonen where my memories feel disconnected, like they are grey and lifeless or belonging to someone else, I am obsessed by this feeling and how surreal it has all been, so disturbing I don't believe I'll ever be able to feel like I did before. The worst of it is how isolated and cut off I feel, for example I just met with a friend but my mind is just disturbed that that event was now in the past which doesn't exist.

I want nothing more than to find my way out of this hell, and am looking for anyone who has similar existential experiences who can share some insights. It is so bad I have been regularly suicidal although I know deep down I would never act on it. Will I ever be the same again?