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Thread: I don't think I will ever get better......

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    57

    I don't think I will ever get better......

    Hi everyone,
    I haven't posted in a while but for those of you who don't know I have pure-o/Depersonalization and derealization. I just feel like i'm never ever going to get better, I have good days but they aren't even good! they are shit. I've been feeling like this since last July and it just feels like it never ends.

    I feel like I have completely changed as a person. before I was a pretty calm and rational person, now i'm just one big neurotic mess and it scares me, I don't want to be like this forever. I just want to be 'normal' again, like i'm sure all of you lot do. If anyone say's anything to me like ''just snap out of it'' or ''you can't carry on like this anymore'' it hits me hard and it makes me feel so hopeless.

    My brain never shuts the hell up, intrusive thoughts all the time about hurting myself (which I would never do), feelings of dp/dr, constantly wondering why i'm here. I'm seeing a CBT therapist but she doesn't treat OCD specifically so it's not working to great. I don't know who to ask for help or where I go to get proper treatment for OCD in England. Could anyone give me some advice? or has anyone been where i am now and got out of it? Does anyone know where you can get treatment from an OCD specialist in England?

    Sorry it's a bit jumbled and long, just needed to vent, thank you to anyone who replies!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    197

    Re: I don't think I will ever get better......

    I'm afraid I don't have any information about who to see, but just want you to know I can relate to the DP/DR symptoms are how horrible it can be. I lived with derealization the majority of the time for quite a few months on end. It did run its course though, and now I get it sometimes during panic attacks but I am mostly free of it. Just so you know it can and does go away, even though it feels like it never will.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    191

    Re: I don't think I will ever get better......

    Hi,

    I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I can totally relate to how you're feeling as I too, like many others on this forum have been through the exact same thing.

    I have learnt many things whilst dealing with pure O and one thing that I cannot stress enough, is that these thoughts, as much as they may seem it are NOT real. Pure O thoughts have a tendency to pick up on your worst fears and put them into action, making you question and doubt yourself, thus causing anxiety and depression.

    Always remember, what came first? The thought or the anxiety? The thought 99.9% of the time ALWAYS comes first, slowly incorporating anxiety and depression due to the guilt of the thought, pure O's best friends so to speak.

    I have attached a copy of my blog as per below regarding pure O thoughts and thought it may be useful to you. Maybe also seeking medical help would be a good idea also if these thoughts are becoming too much to bare. Please, remember, that no matter what the thought is, it is not reality and it is only a thought.

    What is pure “O” ?

    Purely Obsessional Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (also called Pure Obsessional OCD, Pure-O, OCD without overt compulsions or Primarily Obsessional OCD)[1] is a lesser-known form or manifestation of OCD. For people with Purely Obsessional OCD, there are usually no observable compulsions, such as those commonly seen in those with the typical form of OCD (checking, counting, hand-washing, etc.). While ritualizing and neutralizing behaviors do take place, they are almost entirely in the form of excessive mental rumination

    As per above, pure O is basically a thought which consists of pure obsession. So for example, person A may have a pure obsessional thought about their fidelity in their relationship, person B may have a pure obsessional thought about their appearance, and person C may have a pure obsessional thought about harm.

    Pure O thoughts are generically focused on worrying, fear, doubt, anxiety without or with little compulsions. The pure O thought can stem from anything at all and ANYONE whether they have been diagnosed with a mental health issue or not can suffer from them and they can cause extreme discomfort, confusion and upset.

    Personally, I’ve been suffering from pure O thoughts for quite a while now and as much as you try to rid yourself of them, they don’t seem to disappear, hence the term obsessional thoughts. Once one of these thoughts come into your head, you begin to doubt and question everything. The anxiety sets in with the obsessional thought which then triggers the “fight or flight” response. This basically means that the brain is stimulated by a fear that has been caused by the though, which then triggers your heart to race and your mind to get crammed and crammed until your head feels like it should EXPLODE!

    The key thing to remember with these thoughts is that, they’re actually okay to be there? As odd as this seems, everyone, every second of everyday have these negative thoughts, but because of the anxiety we experience it makes us feel as if the thoughts are crawling through our bodies and manipulating your mind into thinking that your worst nightmare are going to come to life, and at the present time when dealing with an obsessional thought the effects can be devastating as you truly believe that’s who you are, even if you strongly disagree with these thoughts.

    The best way to channel these thoughts is remember what came first, did the thought come first and then the doubt? Or the doubt and then the thought… If the thought came first, followed by the doubt then you KNOW it’s an irrational way of thinking. It’s a vicious cycle that everyone gets themselves into and it can make people very upset and angry at what’s going on.

    Remember the following process in order to focus on the current reality:

    Relabel
    Re-evaluate
    Rationalize
    LET GO.

    and also:

    In this post, we’re going to focus primarily on rationalizing negative/obsessive thoughts.

    So, what came first? The chicken or the egg? That question is a highly debatable one throughout all of the world. But let me ask you this, if you were to think of it as “What came first? The thought or the anxiety?” the answer to that it already so, so clear.

    With obsessive thoughts accompanied by anxiety, usually you’ll realize that the negative thought came first, thus allowing you to doubt your actions or feelings regarding that particular thought. For example, false memories. You’re driving down the road, you then have a thought that you’ve hit a pedestrian, then the anxiety kicks in due to this fault and you feel the need to check over things to make sure that you didn’t complete this action, thus allowing the anxiety and obsessive nature to grow.

    People often suffer intrusive, unwanted, obsessive thoughts and let me tell you, as a fellow sufferer myself, they’re really not pleasant at all. You have these horrible thoughts and then the anxiety and adrenaline rises up through your system, thus causing you to believe that you’ve committed this thought or that you may commit it in the near future.

    The thing that you always need to bare in mind, is that if the thought came first accompanied by the anxiety and you doubt yourself as to whether it’s true or false, is that if you really HAD done something, you would be able to remember and the anxiety accompanied by the thought can give off feelings of guilt, shame, self worthlessness or self pity. If the thoughts are literally too much to bare and you’re unable to cope with them and literally ridden with fear, then speak to someone close to you and confide in them about your issues. They’ll be able to provide a clearer perspective for you.

    Rationalizing thoughts is a skill in itself for people who suffer with negative/obsessive/unwanted thoughts. You will be able to grasp it in no time. But let me ask you this – what came first? The chicken or the egg? What came first? The thought or the anxiety?

    These are all from my own perspective, hand written so to speak by me at www.beckybowerenspiller.wordpress.com

    If you need anything else, give me a shout.

    All the best,
    Becky
    __________________
    Never give up; there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    168

    Re: I don't think I will ever get better......

    This sight is why you should never give up , so much help ad new ways of dealing with these disorders are coming out all the time. Hold on tight it is very hard but there is help.

  5. #5

    Re: I don't think I will ever get better......

    Sorry to hear you feel that way. I'm sorry, I don't know what DP and DR are, but I can relate to the OCD. I don't have pure OCD (I think) I have to act on my obsessions and I just walked around a big ASDA store having to read the last sentence of every label on food items. It dawned on me that I have no idea what its like to be 'normal' anymore and everyday has challenges which Im guessing your average person would never have to worry about.

    It's easy to sink into despair about what life has given us. I've become a thin-skinned, paranoid and anxious person to the point where when good things happen to me, my worries drain all the pleasure out of them. I get uncomfortable going to the cinema or going to a restaurant because not just anxiety sets off my OCD but excitement too and it sucks a lot of the joy out of the things which come my way.

    But everyday I give myself a pat on the back. It's not easy being us is it? I try and enjoy the things which I get done -- even the simple things like getting the damn washing in the washing machine without having to take it all out and check my socks aren't rumpled up again and again. I try to appreciate every time I conquer an anxiety, and accept that a new one will probably pop in its place.

    I don't see good days and bad days anymore - because like you said - good days aren't really whole good days! I celebrate every little battle I win instead, because they are usually figuratively bloody! Yeah that's right, I didn't go back and read that damn wrapper writing on the pavement, and I still managed to fight off a debilitating illness!! I felt sick to my stomach for ten minutes though!

    Just don't be hard on yourself, your brain throws you curve balls everyday and we can't always just push aside our fears. But were still living, and we're winning battles everyday. If we can do a little something to get ourselves a little closer to being better, then even if we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, we know we tried. Nevermind being a multi-billionaire tycoon, or getting a Nobel prize, the day I don't get any obsessions or have to carry out any compulsions I will be my own ultimate winner!

    Don't give up hope!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    57

    Re: I don't think I will ever get better......

    Thank You so much for all your replies! and thank you Becky for your advice it really does help and you are right it does get better! for the past two days I have started driving again which i haven't done in 10 months because of this and started enjoying life a bit more, i hope i'm on the road to somewhere a bit better now! Hope you're all doing ok.....

  7. #7

    Re: I don't think I will ever get better......

    Yeaaah! You're winning!

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