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General Anxiety / Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) General Anxiety or Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). Please also read this Website page: Anxiety
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Old 14-01-19, 17:28
elik elik is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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severe anxiety with close friends

I feel sick to my stomach. I can't breathe properly and every muscle in my body is tense. Over the last 1 to 2 years I have not been able to act normally in any way shape or form with my friends - I am a complete act. I am terrified of people and I have become so used to feeling this way that I can't find my way back to being my version of 'natural'. I act up to what I should be and cannot wait for the situation to be over with. Rarely do I enjoy my time. I am careful in what I say and do and what repercussions this might have and my goal is always to make myself seem less appealing to the other person in the hope that they'll be less bothered about seeing me. This makes me feel gut wrenchingly awful. I do not want to talk about it with them because then that'll make them feel closer to me which I don't want (I feel like a couple of my friendships have been speedy boarded into being closer purely because of my illness and meaning I HAVE to tell people which opens up a deeper insight and connections, etc etc which I HATE because I am not an open person so feel this is not by choice). I do not want to feel guilty of or burdening people with my issues as well as that I always feel like I need to owe them something back. People find it very easy to be themselves around me, they open up, they just do what they need to do and I am there but I feel so opposite that it just feels so wrong and a waste of time for them. I honestly hate me so much I can't breathe. I don't know why I am so strange. Why is everything so complex - I use so many strategies, I have had so much therapy, I am on meds - what is left? I feel so close to exploding and more angry than I ever feel which scares me - I feel like my life is out of control and I have to oblige and do things I do not want to do and do not see how its possible to lead my life again. I have taught myself to be so much better at saying no but this comes with such heart wrenching guilt that makes it feel not worthwhile and it doesn't stop people pushing me into doing things so I just feel difficult and awful. SO, now I am resentful of some of my closest friends - I just honestly want to tell them to leave me alone and there would be no double meaning to it - just plain and simple, go and do your life and please just leave me be, I cannot offer you anything - everything I give to you is from disgust and guilt within myself and not pure in anyway. However, that is not an option because I would never live with myself. Meanwhile I will just have to carry on this miserable existence where everything is uncomfortable, meaningless, fearful and dreaded. I have about five friends that see me potentially as their BEST friend. Unlike other people, this makes me want to throw up with despair. I can't handle this responsibility - the requirements they have. Then I feel so ridiculously guilty because I don't feel the same way back and I just feel like all I ever do is desperately find ways to not upset them or make them feel they aren't special but all the while I feel I can't do any of it, I feel it shouldn't be this hard and I am a vile person for finding it so so so difficult. I am drowning under this inbuilt pressure system. I can't talk about it because as I said before, they will see this as bonding. I need out. Its the most bizarre feeling. I just don't know how people lead their lives alongside others without feeling they are being pulled about and their own life suffers to do so. Some will say that I need to be assertive and express my needs and concerns but then I am stumped into a feeling of being so self absorbed and I know I would feel indebted to them for doing that. I heavily resent myself for opening up to some even when I had no choice (panic attack scenario etc) because it feels like I have become good friends with people out of default because my issues made them pour out theirs which I loved at the time but now I am wishing I could take it back because I feel I have so much commitment because I 'know' people and people like that reassurance. I don't have the resources or energy to please all these people - I can't keep doing two hour journeys like I am now to see people because they know I will and if I dare put a slight hint that I can't, throw out a 'i hope you make time for me'. That is just for me so much pressure when its so off the cusp for the other person. And because they have been great friends in the past when I allowed them to be, I am never allowed to drift from them. Not even my best friend knows me as well anymore. She does in character and somewhat how my mind works but my actual life and what I want is always overshadowed in my need to prove myself - I've tried so god damn hard this past year to try and 'be' but I just feel guilt and this heavy weight that I am being so self indulgent and so dismissive of others (Which I am, because I am petrified of anyone else daring to get close to me because I have no room). I am useless to others, I feel so cold and so not like me but I am doing it to save people from me. I am so closed down. This is so scary, so unbelievably scary - I haven't a hope. My life is programmed. I am not a real person anymore - I am totally robotic and every time I try to loosen the reins a bit I feel out of control - completely indebted to everyone and I go into a state of collapse where I can't handle how messy everything feels and how disappointing I must be to anyone that isn't getting my usual 'perfect' responses and actions. I can't do it anymore. PLEASE help with any advice or similar circumstances, I am so lost for what I can do from here. Thank you.
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anxiety, close, due, failing, friends, friendships, severe


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